Narcissa's Julian

Fiction By Anna // 10/19/2009

They have offered me my life for my love.
They will kill us all- unless we surrender lovely Julian.
He is more than what he seems. He is the chosen one; I see that now.
How could anyone do this to him? And how can he not do it? He is too noble to let them kill us all.
They will hand him over, and he will go.
Lovely Julian!
They have offered our lives for my love.

Behold, he speaks!
He says he will go. He will betray himself to death to save lives. If it will save lives. This he has determined to do, and he will not turn back.
He tells us that all they have said is true: he is the chosen, and they want him. And, for him or against him, many will die.
Will we fight? Will we try once more?
He looks at me. He looks as if I struck him with the words I said. They are not mine, Julian. I only carried the doom, beloved.
Beloved- I dare not call you that aloud, only in my thoughts. There you must always remain beloved.
A lord you are- a childlike lord! You speak with the voice of a mortal, younger and frailer than my own brother, who now holds me close and still- yet your words are those of a king. Strange, how you command so- childlike love. Like a child, you are both flawed and pure. My heart used to thrill when you spoke. Now it throbs. Soon you might speak no more.
They have offered our freedom for Julian, my Julian.
They may as well have asked me to carve out my heart. I cannot live without a heart, and Julian cannot give me a stone to replace it.
They have offered me my life for my love, and thus my life for my life. They have nothing to offer. Nothing to take.
But he looks at me, and his face says again that he will go. He does not want more to be murdered- for him. I pierced his heart when I sobbed that they wanted him, that we would die if we did not hand him over.
If it were only me to save or kill, I would not let him go. I have nothing I can lose that he is not. But the others do not love him.
Will they give over "the boy"?
"The boy!" They spit it out as if he were a curse, a disease, or an animal. He is not. He is chosen, and he is lovely. He would be lovely even if he were not chosen!
I made you laugh, once, Julian. Now do you weep? I wish I could make you laugh again. It was so easy when you were just another boy. So easy to like and be liked, to sit together and- and laugh. Just laugh. Will you or I ever laugh again? You look as if you will always weep. If you do weep, do not waste tears on me, who brought your doom, and thus, my own.
You laughed for me. Tonight and continuing, I cry for you, and for myself.
Shall I always cry? Forever, until a broken soul kills me?
"Narcissa," you say.
I had forgotten my own name. Did you know, Julian, that you brought the narcissus out of her self-centered shell and taught her to love, without conceit or arrogance?
"Narcissa…"
No. I am Narcissa no more. Until you return, my name is Sorrow. Oh, Julian…

*I know it’s kind of clunky and confusing. I don’t know how to make it a story, but there ‘tis. If someone else was to  write it into something longer and post it here, I would be very excited. But I know the effort isn't really worth it.*

 

Comments

Oh, Anna...

*sigh* This is beautiful. I want to know what happens! Your language and phrasing is--maybe a bit unpolished--but lovely and graceful. 

I didn't think it was clunky at all. The only thing that was a little off was that she's a bit...sappy? Not really, but the "oh my beloved" stuff is kinda thick. But I loved it anyway--it fit. This is a wonderful idea--you really ought to flesh it out more. What has he been chosen for? Who wants him? Will they really kill him, or use him for their own purposes? How did she get released to carry the message, and how do "they" plan to carry out the murders if he's not handed over?

There are so many questions--Trust me, it would definately be worth the effort.

OK, I'll stop mooning over this piece now and go bug someone else. LOL

LoriAnn | Mon, 10/19/2009

First it's sappy, then it

First it's sappy, then it fits anyway- should I change it or not? lol :)
It made perfect sense in my head, but that's mostly because I wrote it in the middle of the night after watching a movie. I liked it then, but now I just kind of groan, because it's so low-quality. I really posted it for lack of something better. If it's not elegant, it's sappy, and I only like sappiness for humor. I'm writing another story where a main character is a bookish romantic and constantly calls his sweetheart by silly, affectionate titles- I personally find that hilarious, because that's the type of story. Here, it should sound elegant, or begone. Blech.

Anna | Mon, 10/19/2009

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

I have to echo Lori Ann's

I have to echo Lori Ann's sigh...*Sigh* So beautiful! I can tell you wrote this after watching a movie...it was like watching a movie. Such imagery...many beautiful words...the feelings...the pains...the heartbreak.....Ohhhhhhhhhhh *breaks into song* I feel happy! Oh so happy!

Ok sorry, but anyway, it really was wonderful!

Ariel | Mon, 10/19/2009

*****************************************
"To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme. No great and enduring volume can ever be written on the flea, though many there be that have tried it." -- Herman Melville

Sappy can sometimes be good,

Sappy can sometimes be good, but maybe it was a bit too thick? I'm not really a good judge, I guess...I think that, as is, this would work well--maybe reworked as a tragic ballad? As a story, maybe play down the romance a bit, unless it's a romance story.

does that help any? Like I said, I really love it, and if you hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

LoriAnn | Tue, 10/20/2009

WOW! *takes deep breath* WOW!...*repeat* :0)

Yeah, it kinda sounds little choppy, like a story idea. However, you put SO MUCH emotion into this piece...really, it just about made me cry. You really throw yourself into the stuff you write, Anna. Makes me jealous!...I tend to pull back from my writing to remain emotionally distanced and apathetic, but more and more your writing is showing me that pouring my emotions into a work is a good idea. :0)

It actually reminded me a lot of a dream I had once...but completely different at the same time.

And it was a bit sappy, but I think it kind of fit the type of girl Narcissa seemed to be...I could be wrong, since it was a short little bit about her, but it seemed fine to me.

Heather | Tue, 10/20/2009

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

Yeah, it is pretty confusing,

Yeah, it is pretty confusing, but I think you might be able to make a story of it. However it sounds kind of silly to say that Julian is 'lovely' :-) It kind of puts a girlish picture in my mind, and I think he's supposed to sound more manly, right? ----Laura Elizabeth

Anonymous | Tue, 10/20/2009

Thanks for the input! I'm

Thanks for the input! I'm writing a second draft, which I plan to be posting separately soon. I'd like to see which one you think is better. :)

Anna | Wed, 10/21/2009

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Amazing

Wow! Yes, there's a longer story hiding there, but I don't have time to find it. Chosen for what?

Julie | Wed, 10/21/2009

Formerly Kestrel

Oh, Anna!!! Write more,

Oh, Anna!!! Write more, please! I was tearing up, dying see if dear Julian died or not, and it ended! I will be very angry with you if you don't continue! Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Okay, okay, I'm such a romancist that I didn't notice the sappiness until just now, but it all fits, and is wonderful. Man, that was great.

Sorry, I'm rambling now! Lol.....

Erin | Fri, 10/23/2009

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

I'm thinking about writing

I'm thinking about writing more... I'm so swamped with stories that I'm not sure how I'll keep them straight, though.

I'm almost done with the second draft. It's a bit less thick and sappy, hopefully.

Thanks for being so helpful!

Anna | Sat, 10/24/2009

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Ah, I understand the swamped

Ah, I understand the swamped feeling......Now I need ideas! Lol. I can't wait to read the second draft!

Erin | Sat, 10/24/2009

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Laura: I'm glad this comment

Laura: I'm glad this comment came up! I am writing a longer story now-- or trying-- and now I'm considering your thoughts on the word lovely.

Actually, Julian isn't particularly manly (at least not at the start). First of all, he's rather young, and his build is more elfin than muscular. Hmm..

Anna | Mon, 11/30/2009

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

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