Out of Time: One

Fiction By Anna // 9/1/2011

1
Do you see that man walking down the street? No, the other one, from whom your eyes naturally pull away. Hard to focus on, isn’t he?
You won’t remember his face after you blink, but you’ve probably seen him before. Maybe you saw him getting his caricature drawn, but can you remember the exaggerated features? (Hint: His ears and nose are already atrocious.) Did he give you a blue balloon when you were little? Or you once saw him running next to the highway in the rain, his black trench coat billowing behind him. Before that, you could have waited behind him in line while he got a triple scoop of strawberry ice creams.
But you don’t remember. The circumstances, perhaps, but the faces never match or focus. That’s because the man is out of his time and doesn’t stick well in yours.
Maybe my chronicle will make a difference. Next time you meet him, remember these words. But since you’ll probably dismiss it as fiction, it seems rather pointless.
But…I refuse to forget a moment I spend with him. Fortunately, I can remember every study I stole, every unimportant and wonderful bump in our road.
Because the man is my dad, and I’m out of my time too.

Comments

Answers:

I didn't notice any grammar errors whatsoever, but I'm terrible with grammar so don't bet on that.

NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

This story is pure epicness strained, concentrated, and typed into words. Seriously.

Um......YES. I'm sitting here DYING!!!! This sounds utterly amazing!!!

Maybe a little bit...I can tell you worked REALLY hard on this small portion! This part: (Hint: His ears and nose are already atrocious.) seems a little unnecesary.

I think that for the beginning, telling works better than showing. You did fabulously.

 

I am a terrible critic, I apoligize. I really did find it THAT awesome, though!

Clare | Thu, 09/01/2011

:o)

Read it the first time, and a second time to get a better understanding of things. The second time over I was able to peice everything together. I liked this bit: 

Maybe you saw him getting his caricature drawn, but can you remember the exaggerated features? (Hint: His ears and nose are already atrocious.)

No issues, as far as I can tell. I'm not the best to ask. I don't even proofread unless it's absolutely neccessary! :P

Oh! This one sentence. Not quite sure that I'm right but: 

I’m out of my time too.

Should it be: 

I’m out of my time, too.

Not sure, like I said! But I did like this, it's very interesting, and I most certaintly would like to read more. Hope I don't sound too unenthusiastic, but I'm being all professional. ;) I could also say: 

IT'S SO GOOD!!! YOU MUST POST MORE!!! 

There! Does that work? I'm excited to see more! 

Madeline | Thu, 09/01/2011

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

Ah

It makes me think of the Doctor. Anything about time travel does--the Doctor, or maybe Henry from the Time Traveler's Wife

Julie | Thu, 09/01/2011

Formerly Kestrel

 I didn't notice anything,

 I didn't notice anything, either. 
Showing vs. telling - The only place I feel like you could do more is when our eyes pull away from him. 
It definitely catches my attention; there's so many puzzles behind it and it pulls the reader in by making them immediately involved. 

Kyleigh | Thu, 09/01/2011

......

Nicely done, Anna! This is a very, very good piece and I am very excited to read more! I love the way the beginning of the story grabs you and makes you listen to what the writer is saying. The language of the story is neither cheezy, nor too wordy so as to slow down the story; it was very to the point. I love the characters that you have painted here; I love the dad already.

     I think there are only two things that I have found that you may want to work on....

Hard to focus on, isn’t he?

(I think this should be: It is Hard to focus on him, isn't it?)

Or you once saw him running next to the highway in the rain, his black trench coat billowing behind him

(I think this is inconsistent to the other two questions that you ask the reader because this is not a question, it is a statement. To make it right, I think you may only need to add a "did" before the "you" in the beginning of the sentence, and "saw to "see".)

I love this story, Anna! Write on and let your writing shine with God's glory!

Elizabeth | Thu, 09/01/2011

************

The Holy Spirit is the quiet guest of our soul." -St. Augustine

I'm so intrigued by this, I

I'm so intrigued by this, I already love it! I don't have any critiques at all, I think it's great the way it is. I read through it three times trying to pick apart things I thought should be changed and I genuinely couldn't find anything. I know that's not very helpful!

Tamerah | Fri, 09/02/2011

Thank you all for the quick responses!

Clare: Oh no, you're not terrible at all. Okay, maybe as a critic, but it's still gold to hear you're dying for more. (Do you need some medicine...?) 

HomeschoolGirl: Not sure about the comma, but it can't hurt to add it. :) I like the tad of enthusiasm, yeah. I'm pretty enthusiastic about it myself. :D

Kestrel: I'm walking a fine line by using Christopher Eccleston as inspiration... When I came up with this (at a rollercoaster park) it was going to be a fanfiction, and the next day I thought about it and said, "Waaaait." I hope to cut out more Doctor Who elements as I go. Never seen/read The Time Traveler's Wife, though... Is it good?

Kyleigh: Now you know what I've been working on. :) Hmm, I'll have to think over that spot and find something to say. Do you mean more description of him, or more description of the reader trying to see him?

Elizabeth: I'm interested to see what you think of the characters after... well, part 4 especially. No more spoilers, though. :) Thanks for the two style comments - I'll clean those up.

Tamerah: Not particularly helpful, no, but I'm so glad you like it.  Next part should be up next week. :D

Anna | Fri, 09/02/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

 More description of the

 More description of the reader trying to see him, though I'd love more description of him, too. 

Kyleigh | Fri, 09/02/2011

   What kind of story do you

 

 What kind of story do you think this is? Does this short beginning catch your attention? Does it make you want more? What rephrasing, rearranging, or expansion would improve it and make it more grabbing?

What kind of story do you think this is? A very interesting one. I'm not sure, but it does have my attention, and that is what matters.

Does this short beginning catch your attention? Yes! I love short beginnings. I think that it is better to start off a story with a less-is-more approach.

Does it make you want more? Absolutely! I am highly intrigued.

What rephrasing, rearranging, or expansion would improve it and make it more grabbing? Nothing except for perhaps the caricature comment (Hint: his ears and nose are already atrocious) which I could have done without. 

How could I show you more versus telling? I think that the telling fits in this particular section. Since it's an introduction, it works well to show less.

I normally don't like it when stories break off into the "This man is my dad," rather dramatic introduction, as I find it cheesy. But, looking over your piece again, it really didn't bother me. It fits very well.

Can't wait to see more!

Erin | Mon, 09/05/2011

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

By the way, I love your

By the way, I love your profile picture. It's gorgeous!

Erin | Mon, 09/05/2011

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Erin: Yeah, my narrator is a

Erin: Yeah, my narrator is a teenager and a rather melodramatic person. She likes to try to make an impression, since she usually can't.

Thanks! LoriAnn made it for me because she's great at it and she's nice and I begged her to. :D

So, people. Two people suggest removing this paranthesis:

(Hint: his ears and nose are already atrocious.)

One person likes it. Vote on keeping, please?

Anna | Mon, 09/05/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Good peice.

I really like this. The begining is very grabbing. Very. I am split though on the paranthesies part. I vote yea and nay. I also really like the line: But since you’ll probably dismiss it as fiction, it seems rather pointless.  

It is very good. Keep on writing!

Bernadette | Wed, 09/07/2011

Changes

Bernadette: Thanks. :)

Here's an idea for more showing in the opener, as well as a new paranthesis:

Do you see that man walking down the street? No, the other one, from whom your eyes naturally pull away. You might have better luck if you try to spot his atrocious nose and open-shutter ears. Even now that you’ve found him, he’s hard to focus on. Don’t blink.
Too late! What were we talking about?
You don’t remember his face anymore, but you’ve probably seen it before. Maybe you saw him getting his caricature drawn, but can you remember the exaggerated features? (Aforementioned nose and ears.)

Anna | Thu, 09/08/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Wow.

This reminded for some reason of "The Bourne Identity" movie with Matt Daemon (Or Damon? How do you spell his name?), it was the mystery and the questions that reminded me of it.

I see books in movie form while I read (does anybody else do that?), and with this first part, I had that good effect that movies have of those white flashes and certain scenes occuring. Its a wonderful effect! Where the sounds are mutted and you hear eccoing whispers, or children laughter. And the color is mostly grey, or the surrounds are dark and foggy.

That's how I pictured all of this for some reason... If I made any sense! LOL. It was incredable! I loved the intensity of it. The questions, the feel that it gave the reader. A good...mystery feeling book. The ones that you know will be unpredictable! LOVE those stories! Wonderful! Absolutely Wonderful! Sounds like a good storyline!

No, I think you should keep the begining just the way it is! Its MUCH better, it has more of a mystic feeling to it, if you just add the ears and nose to that part, it would mess it up!  I like the line! Yae! Keep it!

Yes, the "He's my father" was a bit... cheesy. But I'm one to talk! LOL!

I loved it! And could find little mistakes at all in it!

Wonderful! PLEASE continue with the story!

Write on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kassady | Sun, 09/18/2011

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

NEW NEW BEGINNING

Okay, so I tried to work the "cheesy" bit in more unobtrusively, as well as modify that troublesome thing about his ears and nose. I do have reasons for that: I'm trying to show you how he looks!

1
Do you see that man walking down the street? No, the other one, from whom your eyes naturally pull away. Even now that you’ve found him, he’s hard to focus on. Don’t blink.
Too late! What were we talking about?
You don’t remember his face anymore, but you’ve probably seen it before. Maybe you saw him getting his caricature drawn, but can you remember the exaggerated features? You might have had better luck seeing him earlier if you had focused on his atrocious nose and open-shutter ears. Did he give you a blue balloon when you were little? Or did you once see him running next to the highway in the rain, hisblack trench coat billowing behind him? Before that, you could have waited behind him in line while he got a triple scoop of strawberry ice creams.
But you don’t remember. The circumstances, perhaps, but the faces never match or focus. That’s because the man is out of his time and doesn’t stick well in yours.
Maybe my chronicle will make a difference. Next time you meet him, remember these words. But since you’ll probably dismiss it as fiction, it seems rather pointless.
But…I refuse to forget a moment I spend with my dad. Fortunately, I can remember every study I steal, every unimportant and wonderful bump in our road.

Because I’m out of my time, too.

Anna | Tue, 09/20/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

:) Ooh!

I liked it! I personally liked the original begining of the begining better, but I did like the it from:

"But you don’t remember. The circumstances, perhaps, but the faces never match or focus. That’s because the man is out of his time and doesn’t stick well in yours.
Maybe my chronicle will make a difference. Next time you meet him, remember these words. But since you’ll probably dismiss it as fiction, it seems rather pointless.
But…I refuse to forget a moment I spend with my dad. Fortunately, I can remember every study I steal, every unimportant and wonderful bump in our road.

Because I’m out of my time, too."

I really liked that part! I liked how you fit in the father thing without it sounding "cheesy", absolutely BRILLIANT! Keep everything else before then though! please, it has a better feel to it! 

How about you try:

"Maybe you saw is Caricature drawn, and tried not to notice the already atrocious nose and ears." Maybe? Its not exactly a question is it?  But that might  not be as smooth as all the others! Just a suggestion! I like anything you do!

Wonderful! 

Write on!

Kassady | Tue, 09/20/2011

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

 I have to agree with Kassady

 I have to agree with Kassady - I like the second half better now but the first half better before. The "Don't blink!" was effective, but I didn't really like the "what were we talking about?" - it was a bit jarring - but maybe that's what you're going for. 

Kyleigh | Wed, 09/21/2011

Thank goodness I have enough comments for this.

Success in eliminating cheesiness! I'll try the first half again. I could keep the original thing as it was, but I was trying to show a little more. So:

1
Do you see that man walking down the street? No, the other one, from whom your eyes naturally pull away. Even now that you’ve found him, he’s hard to focus on. Don’t blink. Too late!
You don’t remember his face anymore, but you’ve probably seen it before. Maybe you saw a caricaturist draw it, but can you remember how the caricature exaggerated his already atrocious nose and open-shutter ears? Did he give you a blue balloon when you were little? Or did you once see him running next to the highway in the rain, hisblack trench coat billowing behind him? Before that, you could have waited behind him in line while he got a triple scoop of strawberry ice creams.
But you don’t remember. The circumstances, perhaps, but the faces never match or focus. That’s because the man is out of his time and doesn’t stick well in yours.

Anna | Wed, 09/21/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Okay!

Love it! That was really good! I like that! and it seems to fit together well! Good!

 

Kassady | Wed, 09/21/2011

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

:)

 Yes! :)

Kyleigh | Thu, 09/22/2011

I'm going to read this. I

I'm going to read this. I like the beginning and I think the revision you did in your last comment on this page was much better than the first.

I'm going to read this! Very intriguing!

Lucy Anne | Fri, 05/11/2012

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you. I thought so too.

Thank you. I thought so too. :) I hope you like the rest!

Anna | Sun, 05/13/2012

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

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