The Successful Villain’s Guide to Effectively Taking Over the World

Fiction By Anna // 10/26/2008

How to Use This Handbook

This Guide is to be taken seriously. I have compiled these tips from experience.
The Guide will show you everything you need to know about being an Arch-Villain, from donning a cape to mercilessly crushing those who rise against you. I promise you- with a 100% money back guarantee- that if you follow this book step-by-step, you’ll never mess up.*
*Promise not to be honored under certain circumstances; e.g., your death or mine.

Introduction: Why choose evil?

Why choose evil? Because evil is fun. Mwahahahaha!!!
Note: Being evil often results in death, torture on the inside, paranoia, and loss of beauty and/or hair.

Part One: Getting Started

1. Personal hygiene and sense of style: Figuring out your "look"

What are you going for in your appearance- deceptively charming, or scary and intimidating? We can perfect that.
I feel the need, first, to point out that both these looks are overused, and often, exaggerated- which could be dangerous! Besides the danger which results from burning yourself on a hair straightener, poisoning yourself on toothpaste, or dying from lack of wash, there is also the danger of overdoing it completely, and ruining not only your "look" but your big chance. I lump fashion horrors, fatalities, and clichés together in this section of the Guide as big NO-NO’s.
Look A (I like to call it the "Captain Hook"):
This look is scary and impressive.
First, you need a well-groomed mustache. Resist the urge to wax or curl it. That only looks silly.
Secondly, your hair must be clean. This look is nothing with greasy hair. Do you have any idea how many villains have lost their respect and good looks just because they didn’t shower?! I trust you will not make the same mistake.
Go with striking clothes. Bright colors, like red or gold, work best. But try to match, or you’ll end up looking like a clown. (Even though clowns can freak the heck out of people. Just don’t do it.) Especially if you haven’t followed my instructions about mustaches and hair-styling.
This last bit is optional, but very popular. A hat. Tricorns with voluminous feathers are the most popular.
One last warning… I call this the "Captain Hook", but I recommend you don’t actually do the hook. It hurts. And despite all you see, it’s really much easier to kill someone with real hands. Hands have thumbs. Hooks don’t. I’d go with a sword.
Look B (The "Mysteria"):
For this one, it really doesn’t matter what your face looks like, because it won’t be seen.
The catch-phrase of this look is "You can’t see me." It’s all about shadow. A dark cape, with a dark hood, and dark clothing. Your hood should shadow most of your face, if not all. The cape should be long and swirly- though the danger of this is making it far too long, which often results in death. (See Edna Mode’s ABSOLUTELY NO CAPES!, listed at the end of the Guide.)
As for the cloak itself, you have complete creative license. You want to go for Weather-beaten Traveler? Go for it. Do you prefer a clean cape? So do I.
Look C ("Prince Charming"): This look is all about imitating the good guys. Looking all too innocent and good to be a villain. You don’t really need any help with this. Beware, though; if you make yourself too perfect, people will suspect something’s up. And, worse, you might find yourself chased by fangirls. If the latter happens, I sincerely pity you. There is no escape. You’re basically hosed.
Disclaimer: All these guises attract attention in one way or another. You may want to tone yours down a bit.
What does personal hygiene have to do with all this? I’ll tell you- Always brush your teeth. Trust me, yellow teeth doesn’t even do anything for the scary look. Unless you want to fell people with your breath, always brush your teeth.

2. Avoiding suspicion

This early in your dastardly career, you don’t want anyone to know your intentions. That can be hard, especially if you’ve chosen an evil "look". Try to act innocent, if at all possible. This can be crucial in the next step.

3. Enlisting help

You are going to need some faithful servants if you are going to take over the world properly. It’s best if these first ones are willing and loyal, instead of forced. It’s a good idea to rescue them out of terrible circumstances so that they’ll be devoted to you for life, like dogs.
Now, there is a long, sad tradition of Super-Villains having stupid henchmen. That is not a smart thing to do! Look all those great villains you know. Cruella DeVil- ruined because of Jasper and Horis. Count Rugen- ruined because of the Albino. The Wicked Witch of the West- ruined because of her guards and flying monkeys.
Okay, so maybe it was partly their fault too. But the matter stands.
If you don’t want to fall into this dangerous trap, just how smart should your henchmen be? If they’re too intelligent, they might get ideas of their own. But too dumb, and they’re good for nothing. We suggest servants of medium intelligence- smart enough to get the job done right, but no smarter.

Part Two: Once You’ve Gained a Small Portion (or Large) of the World

Maybe you’re wondering, how was I supposed to do gain a small portion of the world? You never told me! Don’t worry, you’ll find a way.

1. Ruling through fear

Ah, fear. People can be manipulated to do almost anything if you play on their fears. Example: In The Princess Bride, Buttercup agreed to marry Prince Humperdinck in return for her beloved’s safety. She was afraid for him.
Fear is a great motivator. But often fear for a loved one is even greater. This is useful knowledge in the case of taking hostages, and cases like the one above.
But watch out. The fact that fear for a loved one is powerful has two-fold meaning. While you can use a thing like love to your advantage, it can also be used against you. Be careful never to attach yourself to anyone of anything lest that should happen.

2. An iron hand

Rule number one (or actually number two): Never show mercy. Give ‘em an inch, and they walk all over you. You got to show your subjects who’s boss.
Just don’t make them so angry that they kill you. That’s not a good idea.

3. Maintaining loyalties

This is the maybe hardest part of the Successful Villain’s job. But the Guide is here to help!
How do you maintain loyalties, exactly? Keeping your right-hand men well-paid is one way. But that can go awry. Much better is giving them more perishable things- like food. Doughnuts, for instance. I know you’re thinking, have you ever heard of evil ruler paying in doughnuts? But let me ask you this- have you ever heard of a man who’s tried kill someone who gives him doughnuts all the time? I think not. Pizza is another good one.
Now you may ask, why pizza or doughnuts when you could just give something like a cruise to the Bahamas? Think about it. How many people do you know that buy a cruise to the Bahamas every week? Now how many people do you know that buy a pizza or box of doughnuts every week? My point exactly.
Still not convinced? That’s your problem. Have fun with all those revolts among even those deepest in your evil counsels! Which brings us to our next point.

4. Repressing rebellions

Repressing peasant rebellions is one of the other hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Because peasants get the worst of your treatment. How do we fix it? Not by treating them worse, the way the Unsuccessful Villains do!
But you ask, isn’t treating them better a violation of the Villain Code? Yes, a clear violation. But I’m not talking about treating them better, or worse. And to all you pyromaniacs, no, I’m also not talking about blowing them up. I’m talking about occasionally pleasing them in small things and not being cruel just to spite them. Now, I know it can be fun. But you don’t have to please them all the time. Just on and off, see?
Again, the doughnut-and-pizza thing could work here.

5. Never tell everything to any one person

Good villains are secretive. Mysterious. But it’s hard to be that when someone knows everything about you.
If you have a right-hand man, never, never, never, NEVER tell him all your plans or everything about you. Often right-hand men are also super-villain wanna-be’s with their own plans to take over the world. And if that means using things you’ve told them against you, they’ll do it.
This is where the paranoia I mentioned earlier comes in. Not everyone you meet is trying to kill you. But if you’re evil, probably, most people are.
Try to sleep tonight with that in your mind.

Part Three: The Ways of the Enemy

1. Why "good" always wins

This section is about counteracting the moves of a hero by knowing what’s coming next.
Heroes can be very predictable. But the tricky thing about them is that they’re always thinking of new ways to do the same thing. That’s what’ll trip you up.
Good always wins because- frankly- it’s good. Honorable. It does the right thing and uses the best judgment.
So if you’re ever in a battle with a Hero and drop your sword, the Hero will most likely let you pick it up before resuming the fight. If he finds you defenseless, he probably won’t kill you on the spot.
Give no such quarter.
Know the nature of "good". Study it. But be careful- it may draw you in.

2. Never underestimate "Good"

With such an apparent weakness as the one mentioned above, it can be easy to underestimate your opponent. Don’t.
A warning against carelessness: Never leave the job half done. Demolish your opponent completely. If you do not make sure the enemy is dead they will likely return! Sometimes even if you do make sure they’re dead, they return. (See Beware Miracle Men: Killing isn’t Always Enough by Count Tyrone Rugen and Prince Humperdinck, listed at the end of the Guide.) I suggest cremation. It works best.

Closing Remarks and Final Instructions You Will Need

1. Don’t destroy yourself

Power, as the name suggests, is a powerful thing. But it is also fickle.
The danger of power is the greed and desire that comes with it. Don’t let it control you. It will destroy you if you don’t master it. You don’t want to cause your own downfall!

2. Don’t get a big head

Never overestimate yourself. You may be strong, but you aren’t strong enough. You may have a big army, but it’s not big enough. You may think you have everything under control, but you don’t.
Be on your guard. Relaxing leads to death.
Kind of makes you feel insignificant, doesn’t it?

Other Choice Books on the Subject

1. ABSOLUTELY NO CAPES! by Edna Mode
2. Beware Miracle Men: Killing isn’t Always Enough by Count Tyrone Rugen and Prince Humperdinck
3. Don’t Fall in Love by Maestro Forte
4. Things Just Ain’t Been Right Since That House Fell on My Sister by the Wicked Witch of the West
5. Who Knew Spots Could Ruin Your Life? by Cruella De Vil
6. I’m Dreaming of a White No-Christmas by Jadis, the White Witch
7. Tick Tick Tick: The Living Nightmare by Captain Hook
8. Advice on Advisors by the Lord Protector Miraz

About the Author:
Anna is a pitiless tyrant who continually exercises her cruelty by mercilessly slaughtering and torturing her characters; and also her readers, who she leaves hanging off the edge of cliffs. "I model my villains after myself," Anna says.
Anna watches movies to cheer for the bad guys and goes to the park to laugh when kids fall down. She has been described as depressing, too cruel, a drama queen, loud, critical, insensitive, mean, cold, hopeless, and often, insane.
Note: I don’t actually go to the park to laugh when kids fall down. That is obviously a joke. (At least, I would hope it’s obvious that it’s a joke.) Everything else is true.

Comments

I can't believe I've been doing it wrong all this time!

This guide has been most helpful, I'm printing it out right now and shall keep at least three copies on me at all times from now on. World domination, here I come!

Tamerah | Sun, 10/26/2008

Sorry

Sorry Anna, Tamerah. The simple truth is the Dunn family has been planning world domination for many years now. I would like to encourage you in your pursuit, but I feel it would only be raising false hopes. If all goes right, the world will be a de facto Dunn dictatorship by the year 2037. I could give you all local rolls in the governance if you are interested, though.

Ezra | Sun, 10/26/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

Morbid.

Simply Morbid.
I hope you realize the risk you are taking by publishing your strategy where a noble heroic mind may, perchance, read it.

James | Sun, 10/26/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

A Dunn dictatorship, eh?

A Dunn dictatorship, eh? Good luck with that, but unfortunately for you the Andersons outnumber the Dunns by quite a lot. You have little to no chance of success. See, the thing is, we've been ruling the world for centuries, and you've just never noticed. Sorry to crush your dreams so mercilessly, but it comes with the territory of being a super villain.

Tamerah | Sun, 10/26/2008

Sorry for both of you. The

Sorry for both of you. The Herberts and the Rileys are far more numerous that the Dunns or the Andersons. Watch for a fantastically beautiful dictator who rules with an iron fist. Mwahahahahaha!
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Abstract, random thoughts flit through my mind,
manisfesting themselves in meaningless doodles.............................

Sarah | Sun, 10/26/2008

"Sometimes even to live is courage."
-Seneca

Blogging away!
busyscribbler.wordpress.com

I'm sorry, but I have to

I'm sorry, but I have to differ with you there, because resources online say that the last name Anderson is within the top ten ranking of last names, which means we do, in fact, outnumber you.

=)

Tamerah | Sun, 10/26/2008

True, true

The whole stupid henchmen thing has always held me back. Hopefully, with your help, I will chose only relitve, but not completely stupid henchmen that will help me to crush peace and happiness.

The Brit | Sun, 10/26/2008

Here's to the hope that you

Here's to the hope that you guys will be so busy fighting amongst yourselves you won't notice sneaky little me setting up my throne of world domination. And maybe, just maybe, you all will do away with yourselves...and then my job will be done. *evil grin*
Congrats, Anna. ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?...Morons."
-Vizzini

Clare Marie | Sun, 10/26/2008

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." -Bilbo Baggins [The Lord of the Rings]

Tamerah,It may be in my

Tamerah,

It may be in my interest to allow you to continue to feel comfortable with you villainy. The truth, however, is that evil dictatorship is not measured in numbers, but in the shear dastardliness of its diabolical ways. There are, in fact, eight brilliant minds - no more, no less - that will be in secret control of world events by the year 2037, and they will all have the last name Dunn! Things have been set in motion which no one, however powerful, has the capacity to stop!

Ah hahahhahahaha!

*Thunder, lightning and other generally villainous sound effects*

Nat, back me up here...

Ezra | Sun, 10/26/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

War!

I'll have you know you just started a war...my sister read this and instantly began taking tyrannical action. I however, on the side of 'good' am now armed with the secret knowledge of the enemy. She shall not prevail!

lol!

All joking aside, this was a wonderfully entertaining read. Well written, and very fun! Thank you for sharing your writing with us! Always a pleasure to read. :-)

Raine

Anonymous | Sun, 10/26/2008

Eight brilliant minds? Only

Eight brilliant minds? Only eight? Do you realize each Anderson living and breathing on planet earth (and other places besides) are both brilliant and dastardly? No matter, I'll allow you to remain falsely secure in your 2037-secretly-take-over-the-world-plan, at least it will be keeping you occupied for a while.

Tamerah | Mon, 10/27/2008

Ho-hum

*leans back in chair in secret lair*

Ho-hum. Brilliant and dastardly are nice - if you're into small time villainy!

But just to be fair, I should let you know a small fraction of what you are up against. The eight unsurpassably brilliant persons that I mentioned are already in command of legions upon legions of the most fiendish, vicious, savage, barbaric minions that an accomplished super villain could ever want. And the most sinister, diabolical part of the whole thing is - well, never mind - I can't tell you that, it would ruin the master plan.

Bother. You got me monologuing again. That's the Achilles heal of every accomplished super villain.

Ezra | Mon, 10/27/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

Look out.

I'm afraid Ezra's right. He's been quietly planning to take over the world since, well, before he was born (yes, his mind is that brilliant). And I was planning, of course, before him, since I'm older.
At ages six and eight, both Ezra and I practically ran the state of Idaho (from Moscow), before we got bored and let it go.

James | Mon, 10/27/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

Hmmmm...I hate to break it

Hmmmm...I hate to break it to you, Tamerah, but Smith beats out even Anderson. Every Smith out there is hyper-intelligent and has been asked to join MENSA, along with such villains as Boingo, who's demise is chronicled by the movie Hoodwinked (although I must admit I didn't loose any sleep over him, since he was beginning to encroach upon my territory).
I am poised on the brink of conquering the world, and have been aware of yours and Ezra's schemes for quite some time. In fact, that's why I joined Apricotpie, to keep an eye on you two (and Sarah) to make sure your plans of world domination did not surpass mine.
Anna, thanks for the tips. I figured out the "smart" henchman thing a long time ago, and discovered my own antidote. Pair a smart henchman with a dumb one, and they negate each other to make a team that has just the right intelligence level. I've been steadily building such a group for years.
Ahhh, monologue...as you said Ezra it is a typical villain thing to do. We should all probably learn from our friend Syndrome, but it's so much fun!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The successful writer of a Fairy Story makes a Secondary World which your mind can enter
~JRR Tolkien

Heather | Mon, 10/27/2008

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

Multiple personality problems...

Multiple personality problems are responsible for the differences between last comment and this one.
Aha! At last I have found it!!!! The evil villain's handbook! Now I shall know all your nasty little secrets! I shall now be able to save the world and have a movie and comic books made about me!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The successful writer of a Fairy Story makes a Secondary World which your mind can enter
~JRR Tolkien

Heather | Mon, 10/27/2008

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

Heather, So you took the

Heather,

So you took the bait... good. I don't mind who conquers the world. Because we will control it on everly level, which is far more diabolical!

P.S. MENSA is for the little leauges...

Ezra | Mon, 10/27/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

Council of Very Smart Villians Release New Anti-Monolouging Drug

Dear villanous messirs and madames,

I am happy to report that the Council of Very Smart Villians has recently released a new drug that, I think, will excite you all: an anti-monolouging drug which, as its name suggests, retards the craving I know you all feel to ramble on and on about . . . yourself. I know, revolutionary, but it has been long past due. Prescriptions are very affordably priced, even for the most humble of villians.

Yours most villanously,

Doctor Geiger J. Zhavex
University of Sussex
Department of Villanthropy
Sussex, England

Taylor | Mon, 10/27/2008

Hmmm...

Methinks Dr. Geiger is up to something. Ezra, my advice: don't take the drug. As for me, I don't need it, as I'm technically not a villain; my control over the world will be benevolent, of course.
By the way, something that can only help power figures (like the Dunn clan) is the fact that we are unpredictable. There's nothing wrong with steriotypes, but we nevertheless break them. As proof of this, just try to guess (within ten guesses) our ancestery (dutch, scottish, norwegian, etc.) and our denomination. Being secret, of course, we will not give you any hints (like no, guess again) until there have been ten guesses or someone guesses correctly.

James | Mon, 10/27/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

So much fun to read! Thanks

So much fun to read! Thanks for posting it Anna!

Christa | Mon, 10/27/2008

Sorry, I lack the time to

Sorry, I lack the time to reply to each of you personally, the way I usually do. (Glad y'all liked it, though!)
And as for the domination of Earth & Surrounding Planets, you can knock eachother out (literally). My gryphon, dragon, and I are blowing this popsicle stand for a nice alternate universe and closing the portal behind us. Have fun with world domination! I'll send y'all postcards!
**********
"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

Anna | Mon, 10/27/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Bother! Minion, get me a

Bother!

Minion, get me a portal, fast!

Ezra | Mon, 10/27/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

What?? No!!!

You can't leave, Anna! You haven't finished Stars Over Lloria yet! No!!! Come Back!!!

James | Mon, 10/27/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

Very good! It reminds me of

Very good! It reminds me of "Artemis Fowl" if you've ever read that. I like it ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie
-Lord Of The Rings

marie (not verified) | Mon, 10/27/2008

Anna! You're not leaving are

Anna! You're not leaving are you, we would miss you!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie
-Lord Of The Rings

marie (not verified) | Mon, 10/27/2008

James: So I guess "no hints"

James: So I guess "no hints" means you won't answer this; do you guys have mixed ancestry? I had to take you up on this b/c I'm fascinated w/ people's ancestry.
Ezra: So you think. Maybe I'll just let you conquer the world first and then carefully take you over on the inside.
Taylor: that's great! Provided the drug actually works and you don't plan to take over the world while we'll all reeling from some mind-numbing stuff you put into the drug! :0)
Anna: How do you come up with some of this stuff? :0)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The successful writer of a Fairy Story makes a Secondary World which your mind can enter
~JRR Tolkien

Heather | Mon, 10/27/2008

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

Oh yeah...

Seriously, Anna, can you just delay your departure until SOL is done? Or figure out a way to send it to us via some portal? :0) And can I go with you? I'd rather rule over some elves...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The successful writer of a Fairy Story makes a Secondary World which your mind can enter
~JRR Tolkien

Heather | Mon, 10/27/2008

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

Just a note, brother

Alternate worlds tend to be created by people from this one. Anna has doubtless created one to her own specifications, some of which we would have to know in order to create a portal to the same world; the highest levels of portal technology will not enable us to follow her.
Unless, of course, one has the ability to read her mind...

James | Mon, 10/27/2008

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

But remember, James, I'm not

But remember, James, I'm not just a super villain, I'm a mad scientist (hence the annoying, evil laugh). And I have spent the past 20 years of my life developing electromagnetic brain wave technologies - including a little something that I like to call electromagnetic wave forensics. It doesn't matter where you are, or even if you don't exist any more - I can know the exact thoughts that anyone has had from the moment that they were born. It's brilliant! It's diabolical! And no one can stop us!

*Count Dracula style thunder and lightning in the background*

Ezra | Mon, 10/27/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

You're slipping into

You're slipping into cliches, super villain/mad scientist Ezra. I believe the Guide advises avoiding them.

Heather | Mon, 10/27/2008

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

I'm not the least worried

I'm not the least worried about any of you evil villains taking over the world, because I will do whatever I have to to stop you, including turning good and reaching victory in that way, and as the guide pointed out, good always wins.
And Anna, can my postcard have a cat on it? I like cats.

Tamerah | Mon, 10/27/2008

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