The Successful Villain’s Guide to Effectively Taking Over the World

Fiction By Anna // 10/26/2008

How to Use This Handbook

This Guide is to be taken seriously. I have compiled these tips from experience.
The Guide will show you everything you need to know about being an Arch-Villain, from donning a cape to mercilessly crushing those who rise against you. I promise you- with a 100% money back guarantee- that if you follow this book step-by-step, you’ll never mess up.*
*Promise not to be honored under certain circumstances; e.g., your death or mine.

Introduction: Why choose evil?

Why choose evil? Because evil is fun. Mwahahahaha!!!
Note: Being evil often results in death, torture on the inside, paranoia, and loss of beauty and/or hair.

Part One: Getting Started

1. Personal hygiene and sense of style: Figuring out your "look"

What are you going for in your appearance- deceptively charming, or scary and intimidating? We can perfect that.
I feel the need, first, to point out that both these looks are overused, and often, exaggerated- which could be dangerous! Besides the danger which results from burning yourself on a hair straightener, poisoning yourself on toothpaste, or dying from lack of wash, there is also the danger of overdoing it completely, and ruining not only your "look" but your big chance. I lump fashion horrors, fatalities, and clichés together in this section of the Guide as big NO-NO’s.
Look A (I like to call it the "Captain Hook"):
This look is scary and impressive.
First, you need a well-groomed mustache. Resist the urge to wax or curl it. That only looks silly.
Secondly, your hair must be clean. This look is nothing with greasy hair. Do you have any idea how many villains have lost their respect and good looks just because they didn’t shower?! I trust you will not make the same mistake.
Go with striking clothes. Bright colors, like red or gold, work best. But try to match, or you’ll end up looking like a clown. (Even though clowns can freak the heck out of people. Just don’t do it.) Especially if you haven’t followed my instructions about mustaches and hair-styling.
This last bit is optional, but very popular. A hat. Tricorns with voluminous feathers are the most popular.
One last warning… I call this the "Captain Hook", but I recommend you don’t actually do the hook. It hurts. And despite all you see, it’s really much easier to kill someone with real hands. Hands have thumbs. Hooks don’t. I’d go with a sword.
Look B (The "Mysteria"):
For this one, it really doesn’t matter what your face looks like, because it won’t be seen.
The catch-phrase of this look is "You can’t see me." It’s all about shadow. A dark cape, with a dark hood, and dark clothing. Your hood should shadow most of your face, if not all. The cape should be long and swirly- though the danger of this is making it far too long, which often results in death. (See Edna Mode’s ABSOLUTELY NO CAPES!, listed at the end of the Guide.)
As for the cloak itself, you have complete creative license. You want to go for Weather-beaten Traveler? Go for it. Do you prefer a clean cape? So do I.
Look C ("Prince Charming"): This look is all about imitating the good guys. Looking all too innocent and good to be a villain. You don’t really need any help with this. Beware, though; if you make yourself too perfect, people will suspect something’s up. And, worse, you might find yourself chased by fangirls. If the latter happens, I sincerely pity you. There is no escape. You’re basically hosed.
Disclaimer: All these guises attract attention in one way or another. You may want to tone yours down a bit.
What does personal hygiene have to do with all this? I’ll tell you- Always brush your teeth. Trust me, yellow teeth doesn’t even do anything for the scary look. Unless you want to fell people with your breath, always brush your teeth.

2. Avoiding suspicion

This early in your dastardly career, you don’t want anyone to know your intentions. That can be hard, especially if you’ve chosen an evil "look". Try to act innocent, if at all possible. This can be crucial in the next step.

3. Enlisting help

You are going to need some faithful servants if you are going to take over the world properly. It’s best if these first ones are willing and loyal, instead of forced. It’s a good idea to rescue them out of terrible circumstances so that they’ll be devoted to you for life, like dogs.
Now, there is a long, sad tradition of Super-Villains having stupid henchmen. That is not a smart thing to do! Look all those great villains you know. Cruella DeVil- ruined because of Jasper and Horis. Count Rugen- ruined because of the Albino. The Wicked Witch of the West- ruined because of her guards and flying monkeys.
Okay, so maybe it was partly their fault too. But the matter stands.
If you don’t want to fall into this dangerous trap, just how smart should your henchmen be? If they’re too intelligent, they might get ideas of their own. But too dumb, and they’re good for nothing. We suggest servants of medium intelligence- smart enough to get the job done right, but no smarter.

Part Two: Once You’ve Gained a Small Portion (or Large) of the World

Maybe you’re wondering, how was I supposed to do gain a small portion of the world? You never told me! Don’t worry, you’ll find a way.

1. Ruling through fear

Ah, fear. People can be manipulated to do almost anything if you play on their fears. Example: In The Princess Bride, Buttercup agreed to marry Prince Humperdinck in return for her beloved’s safety. She was afraid for him.
Fear is a great motivator. But often fear for a loved one is even greater. This is useful knowledge in the case of taking hostages, and cases like the one above.
But watch out. The fact that fear for a loved one is powerful has two-fold meaning. While you can use a thing like love to your advantage, it can also be used against you. Be careful never to attach yourself to anyone of anything lest that should happen.

2. An iron hand

Rule number one (or actually number two): Never show mercy. Give ‘em an inch, and they walk all over you. You got to show your subjects who’s boss.
Just don’t make them so angry that they kill you. That’s not a good idea.

3. Maintaining loyalties

This is the maybe hardest part of the Successful Villain’s job. But the Guide is here to help!
How do you maintain loyalties, exactly? Keeping your right-hand men well-paid is one way. But that can go awry. Much better is giving them more perishable things- like food. Doughnuts, for instance. I know you’re thinking, have you ever heard of evil ruler paying in doughnuts? But let me ask you this- have you ever heard of a man who’s tried kill someone who gives him doughnuts all the time? I think not. Pizza is another good one.
Now you may ask, why pizza or doughnuts when you could just give something like a cruise to the Bahamas? Think about it. How many people do you know that buy a cruise to the Bahamas every week? Now how many people do you know that buy a pizza or box of doughnuts every week? My point exactly.
Still not convinced? That’s your problem. Have fun with all those revolts among even those deepest in your evil counsels! Which brings us to our next point.

4. Repressing rebellions

Repressing peasant rebellions is one of the other hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Because peasants get the worst of your treatment. How do we fix it? Not by treating them worse, the way the Unsuccessful Villains do!
But you ask, isn’t treating them better a violation of the Villain Code? Yes, a clear violation. But I’m not talking about treating them better, or worse. And to all you pyromaniacs, no, I’m also not talking about blowing them up. I’m talking about occasionally pleasing them in small things and not being cruel just to spite them. Now, I know it can be fun. But you don’t have to please them all the time. Just on and off, see?
Again, the doughnut-and-pizza thing could work here.

5. Never tell everything to any one person

Good villains are secretive. Mysterious. But it’s hard to be that when someone knows everything about you.
If you have a right-hand man, never, never, never, NEVER tell him all your plans or everything about you. Often right-hand men are also super-villain wanna-be’s with their own plans to take over the world. And if that means using things you’ve told them against you, they’ll do it.
This is where the paranoia I mentioned earlier comes in. Not everyone you meet is trying to kill you. But if you’re evil, probably, most people are.
Try to sleep tonight with that in your mind.

Part Three: The Ways of the Enemy

1. Why "good" always wins

This section is about counteracting the moves of a hero by knowing what’s coming next.
Heroes can be very predictable. But the tricky thing about them is that they’re always thinking of new ways to do the same thing. That’s what’ll trip you up.
Good always wins because- frankly- it’s good. Honorable. It does the right thing and uses the best judgment.
So if you’re ever in a battle with a Hero and drop your sword, the Hero will most likely let you pick it up before resuming the fight. If he finds you defenseless, he probably won’t kill you on the spot.
Give no such quarter.
Know the nature of "good". Study it. But be careful- it may draw you in.

2. Never underestimate "Good"

With such an apparent weakness as the one mentioned above, it can be easy to underestimate your opponent. Don’t.
A warning against carelessness: Never leave the job half done. Demolish your opponent completely. If you do not make sure the enemy is dead they will likely return! Sometimes even if you do make sure they’re dead, they return. (See Beware Miracle Men: Killing isn’t Always Enough by Count Tyrone Rugen and Prince Humperdinck, listed at the end of the Guide.) I suggest cremation. It works best.

Closing Remarks and Final Instructions You Will Need

1. Don’t destroy yourself

Power, as the name suggests, is a powerful thing. But it is also fickle.
The danger of power is the greed and desire that comes with it. Don’t let it control you. It will destroy you if you don’t master it. You don’t want to cause your own downfall!

2. Don’t get a big head

Never overestimate yourself. You may be strong, but you aren’t strong enough. You may have a big army, but it’s not big enough. You may think you have everything under control, but you don’t.
Be on your guard. Relaxing leads to death.
Kind of makes you feel insignificant, doesn’t it?

Other Choice Books on the Subject

2. Beware Miracle Men: Killing isn’t Always Enough by Count Tyrone Rugen and Prince Humperdinck
3. Don’t Fall in Love by Maestro Forte
4. Things Just Ain’t Been Right Since That House Fell on My Sister by the Wicked Witch of the West
5. Who Knew Spots Could Ruin Your Life? by Cruella De Vil
6. I’m Dreaming of a White No-Christmas by Jadis, the White Witch
7. Tick Tick Tick: The Living Nightmare by Captain Hook
8. Advice on Advisors by the Lord Protector Miraz

About the Author:
Anna is a pitiless tyrant who continually exercises her cruelty by mercilessly slaughtering and torturing her characters; and also her readers, who she leaves hanging off the edge of cliffs. "I model my villains after myself," Anna says.
Anna watches movies to cheer for the bad guys and goes to the park to laugh when kids fall down. She has been described as depressing, too cruel, a drama queen, loud, critical, insensitive, mean, cold, hopeless, and often, insane.
Note: I don’t actually go to the park to laugh when kids fall down. That is obviously a joke. (At least, I would hope it’s obvious that it’s a joke.) Everything else is true.


Remember, though, I'm not a Villain.

Perhaps my brother Ezra is; I'm trying to keep him in line. Anna, I might point out, is the one who has advocated villainry. Now, she's left this world and entered another through a portal. To do what? I suspect to evily dominate another world! Thus, she must be followed and stopped. And my brother Ezra is, indeed, a mad scientist. So he has the means. And as for his cliches, well, that's just a personality glitch. Take my word for it.
One more thing: Is anyone going to take me up on my ancestory/denomination challenge? I'll break my rule and give one hint: by ancestory, I mean that inherited through the paternal line.

James | Mon, 10/27/2008

"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

I'm not leaving yet, of

I'm not leaving yet, of course! There are at least two books left in the world that I desperately want to read (one happens to be an Artemis Fowl book, as a matter of fact), so I'm at least staying long enough to get those. And if I do go to my secret world anytime before I finish SOL, I'll be taking the internet with me.
As for a postcard with a cat... I'll see. :)
Ezra: Ha! Read MY mind? You could never. And supposing you could, you wouldn't understand it. Trust me. It's much too complicated; half the time even I can't make sense of it! I bet you don't even know my name in MSP (My Secret Place).
And as for my plans in that world, they are secrets.
There are Elves, though. And I'm sorry, Heather; if I brought you, then it wouldn't truly be MSP.
"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

Anna | Mon, 10/27/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Bother again! Anna, the

Bother again!

Anna, the complications of your mind just crashed my villainous super-computer. It's going to take a while to get it back on line

Ezra | Mon, 10/27/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]


Are you guys Irish or Scottish? I'm almost positive you're one of the two...
Cliches being a personality glitch, huh? :0D Nice.
The successful writer of a Fairy Story makes a Secondary World which your mind can enter
~JRR Tolkien

Heather | Mon, 10/27/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

That doesn't count as a guess

A guess constitutes:
1. Ancestory
2. Denomination

The reason I bring this up is simple. Suppose the only way to stop the Dunn World Domination is to crack a password within 100 seconds -- you have roughly ten seconds for each try, and then the room you're in will self-destruct. This is purely hypothetical, of course, and I would be to benevolent to blow up my opponents like that (though I'm not sure what my brother would do). The thing you do know is that the password is Ancestory+Denomination. But that's it. The timer is ticking.

James | Tue, 10/28/2008

"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

Aww, fine! :0) 1: Irish,

Aww, fine! :0)
1: Irish, Baptist. Right or wrong?

Heather | Tue, 10/28/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"


All I can say is, congratulations. You have successfully avoided being blown up by my brother's antics. I warned him not to underestimate the Smiths.

James | Tue, 10/28/2008

"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

James - I told you it

James - I told you it would be to easy. We got pwned.

Ezra | Tue, 10/28/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

Tsk, Tsk.

Never underestimate an Irish Protestant. We're in good shape.

James | Tue, 10/28/2008

"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle


Haha, Ezra just said pwned. That made me laugh =D

Tamerah | Tue, 10/28/2008


I avoided being blown up, huh? Nice...I always knew it was in me to be a hacker! Maybe I should've taken up that instead of villainy...So I suppose that means I now have access to all your little secrets, Ezra. Heeheehee! World domination, here I come!

Heather | Tue, 10/28/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

Oh, btw...Irish, huh? Very

Oh, btw...Irish, huh? Very cool. Join the club. My dad's part Irish. My mom's full Norwegian, which is pretty cool too.
I figured you guys were Irish when on Ezra and Nate's profiles it mentioned enjoying Celtic music. Everyone else I know who loves Celtic music is at least partly Irish, so I figured that or Scottish was a good first guess.
As for denomination...shot in the dark on my part.

Heather | Tue, 10/28/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

You too!

You're Norwegian too! Vikings! You know that means our ancestors killed and raided ever body?! It's clear that if anyone were going to take over the world it would have to be us. After all, thats what we do.........? Maybe not. I'm kind of a wimp...


The Brit | Tue, 10/28/2008

Oh yeah! I saw that on your

Oh yeah! I saw that on your profile and meant to drop you a note. That's cool! So are you 100% Norwegian? If so that's pretty sweet.

Heather | Tue, 10/28/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"


No, I'm not 100%, but I have the history of my great grandparents coming to America. So I still am very strongley connected. I have a lot of German in me too. But yeah, we might be Jewish, but we're not sure. A lot of my great grandparents came directly from thier original countries. Yeah, it's really cool. We have a lot of Norwegian cooking stuff past down to us that we do on special occasions (mainly Christmas). It's funny; all my ancestors fought against all my other ancestors.


The Brit | Wed, 10/29/2008

Yeah, I have Norwegian from

Yeah, I have Norwegian from my mom's side and German, Dutch, Irish, and French from my dad's side. I don't look Norwegian, I look French and Irish. :0)
We have tons of traditional Norwegian recipes too! Do you guys do krumkake and lefse?

Heather | Wed, 10/29/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

I can relate

I'm Irish, too, well, at least 5% or so. I'm also Polish, Czech, German, Hungarian, Scottish, English, Dutch, and maybe French. Pretty much, I'm a European mutt with blood from all countries except the Viking nations, Italy, Turkey, Greece, Romania, Bulgaria, Lithuania, and Russia. My family came over around 1603 from the motherland of various European countries. I know, this predates Jamestown by about four years, but that just makes me more qualitifed for world domination (I was here first!!!). Once here, families intermarried with the various ethnic groups coming from Europe during the early history of the American colonies and after the war with Brittian. So yeah, that's me.

As far as family always fighting each other, I can relate. There is a story on my mom's side of two brothers fighting on opposite sides of the Civil War. I think I might even have had a few rebels fighting against family during the Revolutionary War, but I'm not sure (and I don't claim them if it's true!)

I also love celtic music. It makes me feel connected to a people group, something America desperately lacks. Celtic Thunder is one of my favorites. I wrote an essay about the importance of knowing your geneology and ethnic background a few months ago. I'll post it sometime.


Taylor | Wed, 10/29/2008

I think I'm like a quarter

I think I'm like a quarter Norwegian, and then the rest of me is mostly German, I'm not sure what else I am though, I don't think I have any Irish in me, but I could be wrong. However I do really like celtic music, and I like Celtic Thunder as well, I saw them on PBS a while back and thought they were really good. I listen to Celtic Woman as well.

Tamerah | Wed, 10/29/2008

We do krumkake and sandkake

We do krumkake and sandkake (sun-ku-ga). We also make a lot of cakes and breads and things. That's sooo cool about your Dad's side. I'm a tiny bit Irish, but not very much. Dutch and German? Then your very Northern European. I am so glad I was born with all my different nationalities, it actually makes me sad to think of being anything else. French? So what does that make you look like? Short hair? Any particular style of clothing?
Tall? What? I don't really know what French/Irish looks like. Do you have very black hair?


The Brit | Wed, 10/29/2008

That's cool, Tamerah and

That's cool, Tamerah and Taylor...yeah Taylor I'm kinda a mutt too... :0) We call my dad Heinz 57.
TheBrit: Never heard of Sandkake! Cool! W do these cookies called sandbakkel, though. I love Norwegian foods...but have you ever tried lutefisk? I haven't...not sure if I want to!
I wish I had black hair. It's actually medium brown, with some gold highlights, red highlights in the summer, and this tendency to look like I dusted it with gold glitter under fluorescent lighting. It's long, about mid-back, though I style it with layers and half-bangs.
Clothing...I dunno what clothing style I have. It's a weird mix...I love bell sleeves but have almost nothing with them, wear flare jeans that are too long, and my favorite shirts are all pullover t-shirts or long sleeve shirts. And hoodies. And Converses. And I usually wear bright colors, except for I wear black every now and then.
And no I'm not tall--I'm actually rather short, in fact I'm the shortest person in my family and my circle of close friends.
I think it's mainly cause I have the olivey, Mediterranean skin tone that my dad says I'm French. And he says I'm Irish b/c my temper would better fit red hair, and my love of dancing, celtic music, and celtic jewelry. :0)

Heather | Thu, 10/30/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

I love how you describe your

I love how you describe your hair.. "dusted with gold"...
Whoa, your style in clothing is like exactly like mine. Weird. Go us! Only I like coats. Old fashioned coats with big round buttons. :)

I'm mostly Polish, Italian, and English, but I'm also a tiny bit Dutch and German. I am not the least bit Irish or Scottish, something I am greatly sad about.

"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

Anna | Thu, 10/30/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief


English! That's great! I think you all know by now how I feel about the English. As for coats with big buttons, your so right. I like it if the coat comes down a few inches before my knees. I never had one like that, but I want to get one for this winter.


The Brit | Thu, 10/30/2008

What is lutefisk.

Is that a kind of fish? It sounds really familiar. What was your mom's Norwegian name? My grandmother's name was Hansen. That's my brother's middle name, except that he likes to change it around and make it Handsome. My great grandfather's first name was Knud (ku-nude). Do you have any Norwegian names in your family?


The Brit | Thu, 10/30/2008

This is Heather-being-too-lazy-to-sign-in

Sweet...Anna, I looked at your profile explanation of your pic and I totally agree. Comfy jeans, sneakers, book, notebook, large purse, mp3 player. Oh yeah! Those are essentials in my life. Well, and my pocketknife, and I'm good to travel anywhere!
I have one peacoat like you guys are describing, and I wear it all winter...but if I wear an actual coat my favorite has to be my old leather bomber jacket or the peacoat.

Anonymous | Thu, 10/30/2008

Me again....

Lutefisk--dried cod soaked in lye, then baked. Gag!
Mom's Norwegian name is Larson. My grandma's maiden name was Holt. My brother also carries on my grandma's maiden name as his middle name too! That's cool! Holt used to be his nickname for a while.
Mmmmm...I don't know about Norwegian names, necessarily. My grandpa's first name is Luther, and I had a great-great-uncle Ivan...

Anonymous | Thu, 10/30/2008

I also love flats and

I also love flats and ribbons and long, flowing skirts and dresses... Ribbons ON skirts and dresses especially, and sometimes on shoes...
"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

Anna | Thu, 10/30/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

To Heather

That fish sounds like something you would use to poison someone. Not an enjoyable thing.
Holt and Larson? Hm? There is a woman here who's name is Holt. I wonder if she is Scandinavian? I like the name Luther. It sounds very European. Probably because it is. Larson doesn't sound Norwegian, but I guess it must be.
To Anna: what do you mean by ribbons.
Hey, did anyone see the new Idiana Jones? I thought it was kind of stupid, but the Russian lady was cool (even though she was a psychic).
Good grief, I ask a lot of questions!! You can tell me to shut up if you want to.


The Brit | Thu, 10/30/2008

Oh, just ribbons. Is there

Oh, just ribbons. Is there more than one kind? I like silk ribbons the best, and I like them to be very colorful... red, purple, bright blue, rainbow... I've seen some shoes that use ribbons as laces, not to mention ballet shoes (my friend has a pair of black pointes with long, gorgeous silk ribbons, and it is beautiful).

No. I did not see the Indiana Jones movie. Wasn't the Russian lady (isn't she the bad guy?) played by Cate Blanchett?

"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

Anna | Thu, 10/30/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

I'm still confused about the

I'm still confused about the whole ribbon thing, but whatever. However, black points are great.
Yes she is the bad guy, and yes she is played by Cate Blanchett. I still think she's cool. She has cool hair, and very military cut, gray colored clothes that just look good.
I am going to paint my room. Should I do green or gray? If I do it with gray, I would mix in red and black. If I did it with green, I mix it with white and some, yet unknown, color. What do you think (any of you, I like to have a wide range of opinions)?


The Brit | Thu, 10/30/2008

By the way, who here likes

By the way, who here likes the Muppets? Raise your hand....wait?...Alright then, we'll have to try something else. I know, say (or type) "I"., you..Okay, we have a good groop of Muppet fans then. Would anybody like to express thier feelings about thier relationship with the Muppets?....anyone...?


The Brit | Fri, 10/31/2008


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