The Successful Villain’s Guide to Effectively Taking Over the World

Fiction By Anna // 10/26/2008

How to Use This Handbook

This Guide is to be taken seriously. I have compiled these tips from experience.
The Guide will show you everything you need to know about being an Arch-Villain, from donning a cape to mercilessly crushing those who rise against you. I promise you- with a 100% money back guarantee- that if you follow this book step-by-step, you’ll never mess up.*
*Promise not to be honored under certain circumstances; e.g., your death or mine.

Introduction: Why choose evil?

Why choose evil? Because evil is fun. Mwahahahaha!!!
Note: Being evil often results in death, torture on the inside, paranoia, and loss of beauty and/or hair.

Part One: Getting Started

1. Personal hygiene and sense of style: Figuring out your "look"

What are you going for in your appearance- deceptively charming, or scary and intimidating? We can perfect that.
I feel the need, first, to point out that both these looks are overused, and often, exaggerated- which could be dangerous! Besides the danger which results from burning yourself on a hair straightener, poisoning yourself on toothpaste, or dying from lack of wash, there is also the danger of overdoing it completely, and ruining not only your "look" but your big chance. I lump fashion horrors, fatalities, and clichés together in this section of the Guide as big NO-NO’s.
Look A (I like to call it the "Captain Hook"):
This look is scary and impressive.
First, you need a well-groomed mustache. Resist the urge to wax or curl it. That only looks silly.
Secondly, your hair must be clean. This look is nothing with greasy hair. Do you have any idea how many villains have lost their respect and good looks just because they didn’t shower?! I trust you will not make the same mistake.
Go with striking clothes. Bright colors, like red or gold, work best. But try to match, or you’ll end up looking like a clown. (Even though clowns can freak the heck out of people. Just don’t do it.) Especially if you haven’t followed my instructions about mustaches and hair-styling.
This last bit is optional, but very popular. A hat. Tricorns with voluminous feathers are the most popular.
One last warning… I call this the "Captain Hook", but I recommend you don’t actually do the hook. It hurts. And despite all you see, it’s really much easier to kill someone with real hands. Hands have thumbs. Hooks don’t. I’d go with a sword.
Look B (The "Mysteria"):
For this one, it really doesn’t matter what your face looks like, because it won’t be seen.
The catch-phrase of this look is "You can’t see me." It’s all about shadow. A dark cape, with a dark hood, and dark clothing. Your hood should shadow most of your face, if not all. The cape should be long and swirly- though the danger of this is making it far too long, which often results in death. (See Edna Mode’s ABSOLUTELY NO CAPES!, listed at the end of the Guide.)
As for the cloak itself, you have complete creative license. You want to go for Weather-beaten Traveler? Go for it. Do you prefer a clean cape? So do I.
Look C ("Prince Charming"): This look is all about imitating the good guys. Looking all too innocent and good to be a villain. You don’t really need any help with this. Beware, though; if you make yourself too perfect, people will suspect something’s up. And, worse, you might find yourself chased by fangirls. If the latter happens, I sincerely pity you. There is no escape. You’re basically hosed.
Disclaimer: All these guises attract attention in one way or another. You may want to tone yours down a bit.
What does personal hygiene have to do with all this? I’ll tell you- Always brush your teeth. Trust me, yellow teeth doesn’t even do anything for the scary look. Unless you want to fell people with your breath, always brush your teeth.

2. Avoiding suspicion

This early in your dastardly career, you don’t want anyone to know your intentions. That can be hard, especially if you’ve chosen an evil "look". Try to act innocent, if at all possible. This can be crucial in the next step.

3. Enlisting help

You are going to need some faithful servants if you are going to take over the world properly. It’s best if these first ones are willing and loyal, instead of forced. It’s a good idea to rescue them out of terrible circumstances so that they’ll be devoted to you for life, like dogs.
Now, there is a long, sad tradition of Super-Villains having stupid henchmen. That is not a smart thing to do! Look all those great villains you know. Cruella DeVil- ruined because of Jasper and Horis. Count Rugen- ruined because of the Albino. The Wicked Witch of the West- ruined because of her guards and flying monkeys.
Okay, so maybe it was partly their fault too. But the matter stands.
If you don’t want to fall into this dangerous trap, just how smart should your henchmen be? If they’re too intelligent, they might get ideas of their own. But too dumb, and they’re good for nothing. We suggest servants of medium intelligence- smart enough to get the job done right, but no smarter.

Part Two: Once You’ve Gained a Small Portion (or Large) of the World

Maybe you’re wondering, how was I supposed to do gain a small portion of the world? You never told me! Don’t worry, you’ll find a way.

1. Ruling through fear

Ah, fear. People can be manipulated to do almost anything if you play on their fears. Example: In The Princess Bride, Buttercup agreed to marry Prince Humperdinck in return for her beloved’s safety. She was afraid for him.
Fear is a great motivator. But often fear for a loved one is even greater. This is useful knowledge in the case of taking hostages, and cases like the one above.
But watch out. The fact that fear for a loved one is powerful has two-fold meaning. While you can use a thing like love to your advantage, it can also be used against you. Be careful never to attach yourself to anyone of anything lest that should happen.

2. An iron hand

Rule number one (or actually number two): Never show mercy. Give ‘em an inch, and they walk all over you. You got to show your subjects who’s boss.
Just don’t make them so angry that they kill you. That’s not a good idea.

3. Maintaining loyalties

This is the maybe hardest part of the Successful Villain’s job. But the Guide is here to help!
How do you maintain loyalties, exactly? Keeping your right-hand men well-paid is one way. But that can go awry. Much better is giving them more perishable things- like food. Doughnuts, for instance. I know you’re thinking, have you ever heard of evil ruler paying in doughnuts? But let me ask you this- have you ever heard of a man who’s tried kill someone who gives him doughnuts all the time? I think not. Pizza is another good one.
Now you may ask, why pizza or doughnuts when you could just give something like a cruise to the Bahamas? Think about it. How many people do you know that buy a cruise to the Bahamas every week? Now how many people do you know that buy a pizza or box of doughnuts every week? My point exactly.
Still not convinced? That’s your problem. Have fun with all those revolts among even those deepest in your evil counsels! Which brings us to our next point.

4. Repressing rebellions

Repressing peasant rebellions is one of the other hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Because peasants get the worst of your treatment. How do we fix it? Not by treating them worse, the way the Unsuccessful Villains do!
But you ask, isn’t treating them better a violation of the Villain Code? Yes, a clear violation. But I’m not talking about treating them better, or worse. And to all you pyromaniacs, no, I’m also not talking about blowing them up. I’m talking about occasionally pleasing them in small things and not being cruel just to spite them. Now, I know it can be fun. But you don’t have to please them all the time. Just on and off, see?
Again, the doughnut-and-pizza thing could work here.

5. Never tell everything to any one person

Good villains are secretive. Mysterious. But it’s hard to be that when someone knows everything about you.
If you have a right-hand man, never, never, never, NEVER tell him all your plans or everything about you. Often right-hand men are also super-villain wanna-be’s with their own plans to take over the world. And if that means using things you’ve told them against you, they’ll do it.
This is where the paranoia I mentioned earlier comes in. Not everyone you meet is trying to kill you. But if you’re evil, probably, most people are.
Try to sleep tonight with that in your mind.

Part Three: The Ways of the Enemy

1. Why "good" always wins

This section is about counteracting the moves of a hero by knowing what’s coming next.
Heroes can be very predictable. But the tricky thing about them is that they’re always thinking of new ways to do the same thing. That’s what’ll trip you up.
Good always wins because- frankly- it’s good. Honorable. It does the right thing and uses the best judgment.
So if you’re ever in a battle with a Hero and drop your sword, the Hero will most likely let you pick it up before resuming the fight. If he finds you defenseless, he probably won’t kill you on the spot.
Give no such quarter.
Know the nature of "good". Study it. But be careful- it may draw you in.

2. Never underestimate "Good"

With such an apparent weakness as the one mentioned above, it can be easy to underestimate your opponent. Don’t.
A warning against carelessness: Never leave the job half done. Demolish your opponent completely. If you do not make sure the enemy is dead they will likely return! Sometimes even if you do make sure they’re dead, they return. (See Beware Miracle Men: Killing isn’t Always Enough by Count Tyrone Rugen and Prince Humperdinck, listed at the end of the Guide.) I suggest cremation. It works best.

Closing Remarks and Final Instructions You Will Need

1. Don’t destroy yourself

Power, as the name suggests, is a powerful thing. But it is also fickle.
The danger of power is the greed and desire that comes with it. Don’t let it control you. It will destroy you if you don’t master it. You don’t want to cause your own downfall!

2. Don’t get a big head

Never overestimate yourself. You may be strong, but you aren’t strong enough. You may have a big army, but it’s not big enough. You may think you have everything under control, but you don’t.
Be on your guard. Relaxing leads to death.
Kind of makes you feel insignificant, doesn’t it?

Other Choice Books on the Subject

1. ABSOLUTELY NO CAPES! by Edna Mode
2. Beware Miracle Men: Killing isn’t Always Enough by Count Tyrone Rugen and Prince Humperdinck
3. Don’t Fall in Love by Maestro Forte
4. Things Just Ain’t Been Right Since That House Fell on My Sister by the Wicked Witch of the West
5. Who Knew Spots Could Ruin Your Life? by Cruella De Vil
6. I’m Dreaming of a White No-Christmas by Jadis, the White Witch
7. Tick Tick Tick: The Living Nightmare by Captain Hook
8. Advice on Advisors by the Lord Protector Miraz

About the Author:
Anna is a pitiless tyrant who continually exercises her cruelty by mercilessly slaughtering and torturing her characters; and also her readers, who she leaves hanging off the edge of cliffs. "I model my villains after myself," Anna says.
Anna watches movies to cheer for the bad guys and goes to the park to laugh when kids fall down. She has been described as depressing, too cruel, a drama queen, loud, critical, insensitive, mean, cold, hopeless, and often, insane.
Note: I don’t actually go to the park to laugh when kids fall down. That is obviously a joke. (At least, I would hope it’s obvious that it’s a joke.) Everything else is true.

Comments

What confuses you about the

What confuses you about the ribbons?

I think green would be better than grey, but then I've never seen your room.

If you read my profile, you'll know I love the Muppet Show. I've learned like all the songs. :D "I!"
**********
"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

Anna | Fri, 10/31/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

....

I don't know, but after I wrote that I got the whole ribbon thing. No I'm not a blonde.
I thought green was nice too, but I still really like grey. No offense, but I think I'm going to do grey.
I can't believe I didn't remember you liked the Muppets! My favorite one, is the guy who plays the saxophone. I also like Ralf the Dog and of course Kermit. Who is your favorite?

"Oh. Oh, yeah. It sounded like an absolute BURK asking a lot of dumb questions." 101 Dalmatians (Horris)

The Brit | Fri, 10/31/2008

None taken. It's your room.

None taken. It's your room. :)

Ralph, Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Sweetums. I heart Sweetums, yesss preciousss. :)
**********
"Weddings? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" -Jack Sparrow

Anna | Fri, 10/31/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

.....

I love Sweetums! Let's elect him President!

"Oh. Oh, yeah. It sounded like an absolute BURK asking a lot of dumb questions." 101 Dalmatians (Horris)

The Brit | Fri, 10/31/2008

Hey everybody, I just looked

Hey everybody, I just looked at the comments board, and I'm doing all thalking! Either I need to talk lees, or you guys need to talk more! I think that all you people need to talk more. Hello? Is anybody out there that feels like talking?

"Oh. Oh, yeah. It sounded like an absolute BURK asking a lot of dumb questions." 101 Dalmatians (Horris)

The Brit | Sat, 11/01/2008

Uhhhh.........

Hi! I'll talk..........BTW, I was just wondering how this conversation came from world domination to colors of paint? Here's my bestie Micki!

Hey, this is Falling Leaves's friend, Micki. I'm also planning my world domination. I like dark colors and apparently scare people [tho idk how, I'm a very bright and cheerful person]. I was planning to paint my room grey also, but I'm going with electric lime green and electric light blue, kinda after my fav band Hadouken! [u've never heard of them buz they awesome UK band]. They don't have the best morals... but who cares!!!! Ok, I'm gone. BYE!!!! Wait, also Flyleaf is awesome, it funny cuz my bro [15, i'm 13] can't stand I'm so sick cuz it has "girl screamo". Ok, BYE PEOPLEZ

-Falling Leaves

"I'm not that complicated...My complications come out in my songs. All you you have to do to be my friend is like me...And listen." -Taylor Swift (one of the best musical artists ever!)

Erin | Fri, 11/07/2008

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Okay. That was completely

Okay. That was completely weired.... My sister is planning to paint her room green and puple. It will be interesting (yeah, like walk into the room and fall over dead, kind of interesting).

Okay, let us get back to world domination and crushing peace and happieness, that always fun. I think the Cruel Ella Devil is really the best style for a villian. She shows that you can be stylish and be the bad guy at the same time. I don't sea what was bad about her, except for the fact that she stole everything (that's sarcasm). I like furs don't you? Ahh, another great villian--The White Witch. Very good character. Nice lady, good with kids. Or Malificent from Sleeping Beauty. I think she is cool. Or the lady from the new Indiana Jones. So cool.

Yes, there are so many wonderful villians. I'm sure that we will never be out of villian-roll-models. (My finger hurts. I smashed it between two rocks. Only geniuses do that kind of intelligent thing)

"....So we're all men of our word, really, except Elizabeth who is in fact a woman." Captain Jack Sparrow

The Brit | Fri, 11/07/2008

Top Five Villians

Literature:

1) Professor Moriarty (Sherlock Holmes)
2) Madame Therese Defarge (A Tale of Two Cities)
3) Big Brother (1984)
4) Sauron (LOTR)
5) The Emperor (SW)

History:

1) Adolph Hitler
2) Joseph Stalin
3) Mao Zedong
4) Napoleon
5) Ghengis Kahn

Ezra | Sat, 11/08/2008

"There are no great men of God. There are only pitiful, sorry men whose God is great beyond measure." - Paul Washer [originally Jonathan Edwards]

I like Ghengis Kahn. You

I like Ghengis Kahn. You know he poored hot silver in someone's eyes and ears as a punishment. I know; it just makes you uuuhhh, and rub your ear into your shoulder...

"....So we're all men of our word, really, except Elizabeth who is in fact a woman." Captain Jack Sparrow

The Brit | Sat, 11/08/2008

Haha

Lol

-Falling Leaves

"I'm not that complicated...My complications come out in my songs. All you you have to do to be my friend is like me...And listen." -Taylor Swift (one of the best musical artists ever!)

Erin | Mon, 11/10/2008

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

yikes.......*shudders* ~.~.~.

yikes.......*shudders*
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Abstract, random thoughts flit through my mind,
manisfesting themselves in meaningless doodles.............................

Sarah | Mon, 11/10/2008

"Sometimes even to live is courage."
-Seneca

Blogging away!
busyscribbler.wordpress.com

LOL

Simply Put: Hilarious.

Anonymous | Mon, 11/24/2008

Thanks for all the ideas!

Thanks for all the ideas! Am now buying my dark, mysterious cloak, and doing my best menacing impression. Prepare to be dominated!

"The meek tyrannosaurus, victim of an innocent misunderstanding, tears like heck across the prehistoric valley." - Calvin and Hobbes

Bridget | Mon, 03/23/2009

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question." - Harun Yahya

Perfect

I shall now enslave the world, thanks to you.
BTW, here's another fun thing..rats, can't find it. It was called "For lack of a minion, the bad guys lost the war..."
---
The Word is alive/and it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless/and afraid...

~"The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns

May my words be a light that guides others to the True Light and Word.

Julie | Mon, 05/04/2009

Formerly Kestrel

Perfect

I shall now enslave the world, thanks to you.
BTW, here's another fun thing..rats, can't find it. It was called "For lack of a minion, the bad guys lost the war..."
---
The Word is alive/and it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless/and afraid...

~"The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns

May my words be a light that guides others to the True Light and Word.

Julie | Mon, 05/04/2009

Formerly Kestrel

Just to bring it back

Dunns dominate.........end of story!!! Remember the year 2037 and don't forget it.

We are waiting for the long-promised invasion.
So are the fishes. ~ Winston Churchill

Nathanael | Wed, 05/20/2009

We are waiting for the long-promised invasion.
So are the fishes. ~ Winston Churchill

tsk tsk tsk all so deceived

I am sorry to crush everyone's hopes and dreams and cruelness, but the Ulrike family has been secretly taking over the world years. The only reason you haven't noticed, is because you are trying to decide which one you is going to take over. But you are all wrong, it will be none of you. And making things go more quickly, our italian family is helping the german side; and as we are quite large we should have the world by 2020. So sorry to crush everyone but the truth would come out eventually and its always better to know ahead of time.

"Here are the beauties which pierce like swords or burn like cold iron." C.S.Lewis

airlia | Thu, 05/21/2009

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God such men lived."
General George S. Patton

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