Mirkwood...the Crazy

An Essay By Bernadette // 12/25/2008

Mirkwood…The Crazy

(This is a thing that Stephanie, Elizabeth, and I did)

You probably would ask me ‘why do you call Mirkwood crazy’? Well, it is a long story, and I suppose I will start from the beginning: It is the fourth age in Middle Earth, and Eomer and Aragorn are kings of Rohan and Gondor. Faramir is the steward, and Eowyn the stewardess; and Boromir is alive (I have no idea why he is not dead, but it does make me happy to know that he is alive; but he will not come into this story; he is always doing something else (who knows what, but the only thing I do know is it has to do with Gondor’s forces because he is the overall commander of Gondor’s military forces.) Arwen is the queen of Gondor, and she has seven daughters and one son. Eowyn has two sons, Elboron and Barahir and, one daughter named Freawine. Eomer has a wife named Lothloriel (daughter of Imrahil), a son named Elfwine, and a daughter named Lauren (who is a crazy tiny baby who can do about anything). Sam and Frodo live in Bag End. Sam has a wife named Rosie, and fourteen children (I am not naming them all), Merry Brandybuck has a wife (I forget her name), and a son named Eomer. Merry lives in Rohan half the time, more then half actually, because he is a knight of Rohan and Eomer the king will not give him a vacation. Pippin has a wife named Diamond, and a son named Faramir. Pip is in the same situation as Merry, except Pippin is in Gondor. Well, I guess there is not much more to say, so you will catch up on everything else. Now I will tell the story of why Mirkwood is crazy:

Eomer is always saying to Merry and Pippin that they all have to go to Mirkwood. The reason why they have to go is because many people (important people) are disappearing and for some reason they all go to Mirkwood. I will give you the latest story of how Eomer, Merry, and Pippin got to Mirkwood:

It was a rare time when Merry and Pippin had a vacation, and it was promised to be three weeks long (it had only been three days), Merry and Pippin were in their homes (which are the same Hobbit Homes), smoking their pipes. Merry then came around the bend (still smoking), when Pippin was sitting on a table also smoking his pipe.

“Pip,” Merry said in a quiet full voice.

“What?” Pippin said.

“They say that a giant is coming through the shire.” Then something hammered at Merry’s door. It was the whole shire!! Well, mostly, only some did not come. They were all terrified of the giant, and knowing Merry and Pippin to be great warriors, they went to them for safety. Merry let them in, and everyone went into the back room. Pippin locked the room. Then, after a little while, something hammered at Merry’s door again. The two brave Hobbits both grabbed their swords (still smoking their pipes), and went over to the doors. Merry peaked out his door and Pippin out of his peak hole. It was only the mailman. Both of the Hobbits put their whole heads (pipes, swords and all), out of the door and peak hole. The mailman gave them their mail, and they both said thanks in muffled voices. (Remember they had their pipes.) Then Merry said:

“You know there is a giant roaming they shire.”

“Yep,” Pip said.

“I don’t care,” the mailman replied. Searching through his other letters and going away he quoted:

“Not snow, nor rain, nor hail, nor sleet…” (Yes ‘Hannah W.’ even the mailman in the shire reads your poems.) Merry and Pip then went back into their holes and placed their mail upon their tables. They then heard a tape record of them singing, so they started to skip around their Hobbit home until the music stopped. (They did so with the swords and pipes.) Then they heard a thumping outside. They both heard a baby scream as one of Sam’s children ran right through Merry’s door. Merry put him in the backroom and locked the door again. They still heard the thumping. Merry and Pippin both jumped down unto the floor. (swords and pipes) I guess I should tell you the setup of the part of the house we are looking at. If you look from above and the house is see-through, you find that the part you are looking at is the shape of a U with at square at the bottom. The square at the bottom is a Hobbit conference room with three Hobbit stools. One side of the U is Merry’s, the other side (the song ‘Other Side’ goes through my head every time I hear or say those two words) belongs to Pippin. As you know a U has a gap in the middle. The gap in the middle is like a very short alley. Merry was lying on his stomach on his side of the U. His sword was in his right hand, and he was smoking his pipe. Pippin did the same. Merry and Pippin kept looking at each other through the only
see-through bottom of the wall if you are in the inside. Something knocked upon Merry’s door. The two Hobbits looked at each other. Their eyes said: “It’s the giant”. Hearing no answer, he went to Pip’s door. Nothing happened.

“Merry, Pippin,” the giant sternly said. (His voice was nothing like a giants) “I know you are in there,” it was Eomer. The Hobbits looked at each other and smiled a mischievous smile. Eomer, the giant, went to Merry’s door again. Merry poked his head out and pulled it back in as quickly as lightning. As he did so, he said:

“Hello,” then he went back to his spot. The giant went to Pippin’s door. He knocked upon it; Pippin did the same thing as Merry. Eomer tried to break down the doors, but it was impossible. Then they played a game of hide-in-go-seek, trying to tear down the Hobbit home. Merry and Pippin were having much fun, and half the time they were giggling silently.

“Merry, Pippin. I need to tell you something,” Eomer said, getting annoyed.

“Then tell us,” the two Hobbits said, getting back unto their table and chair.

“Then let me in,”

“No.” A conversation about letting Eomer in went on for a good amount of time, when finally Merry let him in. Then they said to him to sit down on one of the stools (pipes and swords). I will tell you the size of the stools now; they are about a foot long, and a half and a quarter of a foot tall.

“We have to go to Mirkwood,” Eomer said. Merry and Pippin stopped smoking and looked at him with unbelieving eyes. They still had their pipes in their mouths)

“Why?” Merry asked pulling out his pipe and sticking it back in.

“Because a lot of people are missing. ” Again a conversation went on another good amount of time. Then Merry and Pippin said that they would get their ponies ready to go on the long trip to Rohan, and then (dreaded music playing) Mirkwood.

“We will get our horses ready” said Merry.

“No, you are going to ride one of my horses I brought with me,” says Eomer. Merry and Pippin once again stared at him in disbelief (remember, they are only three foot nine and eight.)

“They travel quicker. I will go get the horses ready,” said Eomer. Merry and Pippin started to pack up. They got their and belts (they still have their pipes and swords), and then they put sacks that have some food in them on the belts. (I guess I will tell you the food: Pippin had Doritos and Merry had Crispy Wheaties), then a horrible thing happened: Merry’s Pipe broke.

“Oh dear,” Pippin said.

“Great. And that’s my only pipe,” Merry said.

“Well, if you don’t have one, I don’t have one.” So Pippin threw his pipe aside. Then they put on their capes and gloves, and they set off out the door. Eomer was already on his horse when the two Hobbits came outside. There were only two horses.

“Who is going to ride in front?” asked Pippin.

“Me,” said Merry. So they mounted and rode off. Since I am not sure of the order of the events that are coming next, I will just tell you what I think. They rode on, and on, and on. Pippin then turned his head to look back and saw…

“Um... There are wargs behind us,” said Pippin. Then Merry and Eomer whacked the side of their horses with their legs (Merry’s sounded a bit odd. It made a hollow sound as if banging against wood. ) Then the horses bolted. They were riding for a long time.

“I think my Doritos are getting squished,” Pippin said, half laughing (or at least it sounded.) Merry and Pippin looked as though they were being thrown around on the horse. Since they were being jolted around because of the high speed (the wargs were pretty close to them), Pippin flew off.

“Get back on Pippin!” Merry shouted not stopping the horse. Pippin then ran and leapt back on into the jolting way. Pippin, I think, fell off two times more until they lost the wargs and their riders. Then Eomer said that Pippin should keep a watch out, so he turned around. Something worse was now coming:

“Carcharoth is behind us!” said Pippin (before I go on, I will tell you what Carcharoth is: he is like a Warg, but HUGE! When I say huge I mean HUGE!!! His teeth and claws are poisonous and that’s him), then Pippin turned around again. Pippins forehead kept banging into Merry’s back, while Merry’s back kept banging into Pippin’s forehead. After a little while of the painful riding, someone came (no, Morgoth did not come from behind a tree: remember they are still in the Shire), Lauren came flying unto Eomer’s lap!

“Hi Daddy,” said she. (I can say she for she is the only she.)

“Lauren,” Eomer quoth.

“Yes,” she said.

“Do you think you can take care of Carcharoth?”

“I’ll try.”

“Good,” then Eomer threw her after Carcharoth. She screamed a war cry as she flew through the air. Therefore, since they got rid of Carcharoth, they began to ride peacefully; but that wouldn’t last long. Then they heard the chilling screech of the Nazgul. Merry’s arm started to turn cold (he was stabbed by the Nazgul), and he fainted. Then, since they had to bolt, Pippin took hold of the reins. As they rode on a little bit longer, Merry woke up and took hold of the reins. The ride was much bumpier for Merry and Pippin. There were many groans and grunts in that ride from Merry and Pippin.

“Ah! Something stabbed my foot!” yelled Merry as they rode, looking down upon his foot. Pippin looked down at Merry’s foot.

“Oh dear,” said Pippin, and looked in the front of him. Then they lost the Nazgul, and they where out of the Shire. But…there was still trouble ahead of them. (Think when I say, ‘AHEAD’),

“I think we should get off the horses,” said Eomer.

“Why?” said Merry.

“Because the horses might sink with all the weight.”

“But Bill did it. Why can’t they?”

“Yah, with perfect ease,” pointed out Pippin.

“Well, he’s a pony, and anyways, you weren’t riding him.”

“True,” said Pippin.

“Alright, we will get off,” Merry said. Therefore, they dismounted and began their journey through The Midgewater Marshes. After awhile, they stopped to eat and sleep. Merry and Pippin plopped down on a heap of moss, and groaned. Then, after laying down awhile, and Eomer was looking at them, they sat up and started to eat their chips.

“Eomer, why don’t you sit down?” said Merry.

“Yah, and eat something,” Pippin said.

“Alright, I’ll sit down,” the king said. “But I am not going to eat.”

“You are strange,” the Took said.

“Well, first of all, look at my Doritos,” He pulled out his Doritos, behold! They where merely crumbs.

“Wow,” said Merry, slowly.

“I see,” said Pippin. (Also slowly.)

“Eomer,” said Merry, stuffing a chip in his mouth.

“Yah?” said the king of Rohan.

“Are we going to stop at Edoras?”

“I think we should just go straight to Mirkwood; it will make it quicker,”

“Yah,” said Pippin, sounding sleepy. Then they all went to sleep.

As the morning sun awoke, the three travelers also rose from their sleep. Then they went on for another day, until it was a little time before dinner. When they stopped, they decided to make a tent for the night. Since Pip never made the tents, they sent him to find the material to build it. When he came back, Eomer had gone to go scout, and Merry began to build the tent. Then when it was done, he stuck three chairs in it. (I don’t know were they got them), and they went into the tent. After a little while, Pippin’s Elf came along with dinner for him. (You are probably wondering what ‘Pippin’s Elf’ is. Well, they help him whenever he is in danger (almost all the time) and bring him meals.) The elf gave the dinner to Pip and went away. The dinner was Macaroni and Cheese. Therefore, Pip began to eat his dinner while they talked. Then, when Pippin’s dinner was done, Merry’s Elf came along with their dinner. It was the same thing Pippin had.

“What took you so long?” asked Merry, to his elf.

“I got stuck in traffic,” replied the elf.

“What traffic?”

“Just orcs, and that happened really bad to Eomer’s Elf,” said Merry’s Elf. Then the elf left. Merry and Pip stared at each other, for orcs always caused them problems. Then Eomer came back, and Merry gave him his food. So they ate silently, and when they where done, Merry said:

“Eomer, take up the dishes,” he said, handing him his dish. Eomer heaved a sigh, and took the dishes and stood.

“Does anybody want a cookie?” he asked.

“Nope,” Merry and Pippin answered. Therefore, Eomer crawled out of the tent, and went away. When he came back, he had two cookies for himself. When he was eating, Merry and Pip just stared at him.

“You are sure you don’t want one?” he asked them.

“Yep,” the hobbits answered. I think Eomer really thought that Pippin wanted the cookie, but Pip refused every time. Then when Eomer had eaten all the cookies, he said:

“I wonder where Lauren is.”

“Who knows,” said Pippin.

“Why don’t you go and find her?”

“Alright.” Therefore, Pip crawled out of the tent; he came back in a few seconds with a sleeping Lauren. He gave her to Eomer, and Eomer wrapped her in the folds of his cloak. Then Lauren yawned, woke up and said:

“Hi Daddy,”

“Hello Lauren,” he answered. “How did you get rid of Carcharoth?”

“Well, I climbed on him, and then I bit his ear, then bit his paw, and climbed all over him screaming, so I made him mad, and he ran away.”

“Good job, Lauren. Well, you better go,” he said.

“Bye Daddy.” He kissed her on the brow and threw her out of the tent. They looked to see where she landed; they laughed, because she landed in a sitting position on a rock that looked like a couch.

“Well, we better start moving,” said Eomer.

“Yah,” said the two Hobbits standing up. Therefore, they got out of the tent and tore it down, so no one would know that they were there. Then they got back to the horses and started to lead them through The Midgewater Marshes. Then the Nazgul came; they leapt on their horses, and bolted. Then a tragic thing happened: the ground fell beneath them! Merry, Eomer, and Pippin fell down a hole. And this is how they landed: Merry landed first, then Pip on top of him, and last was Eomer. The opening to the hole closed, and they lay in a dark tunnel. Merry and Pippin groaned; Eomer got off, Pip just rolled off, and Merry just lay there.

“Eomer, where are we?” whispered Pippin.

“I don’t know, but we are probably in an orc tunnel.”

“Oh dear.” Then Merry sat up. They all got their swords out and knelt (the roof was low as a Hobbit hole), in a triangle (the closest thing to back-to-back). I do not really know what happened in the orc tunnel, but I will give you a brief telling of what happened. (This may be impossible) Something happened to Merry that was very odd; he was sleeping (maybe), and he was almost fighting Eomer and Pippin, and they had to hold him down. They wondered if he could be a faker*. When he woke up, they told him what he had done, and he said: “What do you mean?” Then, after a little while, they scattered, and Pippin’s sword broke when he was terrified by an orc that came out of nowhere. They made a bunch of orcs come, because an orc made them touch a lantern that glowed red, and if you touched it, a bunch of orcs would come. Then, they got out, with the help of Lauren. They lay in the sun, with all energy taken from them.

They made it to Mirkwood without anything interesting happening to them. Then, with Eomer at the head, Merry, and then Pippin (they where all clasping shoulders) went into a pitch black Mirkwood. They separated with few whispered words, and they went into Mirkwood the Crazy.

Now, you can finally know why Mirkwood is crazy. I will tell you clips of things that happened, so you will get the idea: Pippin was walking in Mirkwood, and he fell face down on a spider-web. Pip lay there for a while, when he heard the screech of the Nazgul. It came closer to him (the Nazgul), until it was on the spider-web. He then flipped the petrified Pippin over, and he moved his sword ever nearer to his chest; then, when Pippin (he was still stuck in the spider-web), was just about to be killed, an elf came to the rescue! (Pippin’s elf) The Nazgul fell over, but his sword still got him, even though it was only on the leg (a lot better then Elfwine, who was stabbed on the head, but that is a different story.) Pip was knocked out, but the elf came, healed him, and got him unstuck. Pip woke up, and ran into the woods. Another story is this: Merry and Pippin were running/crawling from a orc in Mirkwood, and they were also screaming. Then they lost the orc. They had knocked down a whole bunch of trees, so they lay in a glade that they themselves had made. Then they scrambled behind a boulder at the sound of Gimli’s sighing:

“La de da de da de! Bum bum bum- bum bum-bum!” he sang. “Who knocked down all the trees!!!????” he shouted. “Probably Merry and Pippin.” He grumbled and started to pick up the trees.

And here is another story! Pippin was walking through Mirkwood when he found somebody standing against a tree.

“Who are you?” he whispered, pointing his sword to the person that was not evil. The person answered in a language that he could not understand.

“Talk in the common speech!” Still, the person kept talking in that way.

“I repeat! Talk normally!” This went on for a while, when finally the person laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Pippin asked, being very grumpy for a Hobbit.

“I’m Eowyn!” said the person. Pippin made a very mad face at Eowyn and said:

“Oh you!” and left. Another tale is this: Legolas was walking through the woods when he saw Sauron. He made Legolas tip over unconsciously. Gimli found him after a while and freaked out.

“Legolas! Wake up, buddy old pal.” However, he did not. Then he got some Valar to get him back together. And another story is this one: (it is very short) Pippin was merely walking through Mirkwood when he came to a point where he had to squish through a tree and a person. Therefore, Pippin squished through. After a little while of walking on, and hearing some noises behind him, he realized that the person was Sauron. This is another story: Elfwine (when he was two) was walking through Mirkwood when he saw a Nazgul. He just sat there and screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then the Nazgul stabbed him and walked away. Another story is this: Elfwine (at two) was hiding in a corner when Merry found him; it was Merry’s job to get Elfwine out of Mirkwood, so he began leading Elfwine out of Mirkwood. Elfwine held on very tight to his hand, and then Merry said:

“Ow! Loosen your grip.” Elfwine did not listen. Another one is this: Pippin was caught on a spider-web that was connected to a boulder. Eomer was fighting an orc when the orc and he fell on the boulder that the Hobbit was stuck on. They started to fight on Pippin, while the Hobbit was trying to say to Eomer that they where stepping on him. Then the king and orc went away, leaving a squished Pip. Here is another tale: Pippin was with Gimli while he was picking up trees that had fallen. Pippin was on a desperate search for Merry. They where standing next to a slope, and the top of the slope was very dark, so anything could be hiding up there.

“Maybe he is up there,” said Pip.

“No harm in trying,” said Gimli, sticking a tree back up. Therefore, Pip began to walk up the slope, when something darted a little closer to him that was on the top. Pippin ran down, and said:

“That was not Merry,”

“Go find out what it is then,” said the dwarf.

“Oh fine.” So Pip went up the slope and the very same thing happened. Then he went up again, and a different thing happened: he went closer to the thing, and instead of running down, he leapt off the slope and landed 9ft away from where he jumped (and next to Gimli who was a little shocked.) Then Pip tried again, and the thing thundered down the slope. Pip ran into the woods never knowing what the thing was. Another tale is this:
Faramir was running from Carcharoth and Sauron when he met Huan.

“A word of advice,” the hound of the Valar said. Then Faramir leapt onto Huan, and they ran. Here is another one: Gimli was picking up trees when he saw a Nazgul. He gasped and cried:

“LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in a voice very loud.

“I’m right here,” said the elf, stepping out of the shadows. It turned out that there was no Nazgul. Then the dwarf said:

“Why do you do that to me?”

“Because,” he answered.

Here is the last whole tale I am going to give you: Merry was walking through Mirkwood when he ran into his wife.

“What are you doing here?” Merry demanded, whispering.

“I was looking for flowers,” she answered. Merry scowled, and then he said to an elf in the trees to take her home.

People are always getting caught in spider webs (no elves or Gimli), running into the worst evils, knocking down trees, almost killing themselves, screaming, running, hiding, looking for people, getting captured, trying to figure out who a person is, running into fakers, and a lot more.

Well, that’s Mirkwood. And, I warn you: if you go there, be prepared!

*a faker is an evil man, or orc that is dressed up as someone good. They talk, act, and look like that person. Sometimes there is one difference between the real one and the fake one.


Ha ha! That was hilarious,

Ha ha! That was hilarious, Bernadette!! It reminds me of the "Shortcut to Mushrooms" we did, and "The Riders of Rohan"; I always laugh every time I think of us rolling off the couch, screaming. :D
I miss you guys.
"Elves and Dragons! Cabbages and potatoes are better for me and you. Don't go getting mixed up in the business of your betters, or you'll land in trouble too big for you." — Hamfast Gamgee (the Gaffer)

Clare Marie | Fri, 12/26/2008

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." -Bilbo Baggins [The Lord of the Rings]


I should write one of those.
(BTW, I think Merry's wife is named Estella. A Bolger, I believe.)
So as soon as the door of 27 closed on Mr. and Mrs. Darling there was a commotion in the firmament, and the smallest of all the stars in the Milky Way screamed out:
"Now, Peter!"
-J.M. Barrie

Anna | Fri, 12/26/2008

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief


I love this! I can just see all of you in your basement... ha.
And yay for the Shire's mailman!
I miss you!

** ** ** ** ** **
"Do you know why swallows build their nests in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories."
--Peter Pan

Hannah W. | Sat, 12/27/2008


This was too funny!!! It makes me laugh!!! Good Job!!! Awesome!!

Elizabeth | Sun, 12/28/2008


The Holy Spirit is the quiet guest of our soul." -St. Augustine


This reminds me of a LOTR spoof movie my friends and I did, aptly named "Bord of the Rings". Maybe I should revise the script as a short story and post it on here. :0)
Good job!
The leprechauns made me do it!!

Heather | Mon, 12/29/2008

And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"


thanks every one!! :) :D

"Well you praticly did, making google eyes at me for two years, oh Walter," Cary Grant,
His Girl Friday

Bernadette | Fri, 01/02/2009


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