Chapter one: my life…

Fiction By Candace // 1/12/2015

Aaron ran through the camp blowing his horn, it was time for the men to come and eat their supper. This was Aaron’s favorite time of day, for then Jidda, his grandmother would tell them a story. Aaron’s father had died in Israel; he had been stoned by the leaders of his family’s village. Aaron’s relatives believed the teachings of Jesus and so were persecuted by all leaders in their homeland. Aaron never understood why the others (As I will call surrounding countries who don’t like Christians) didn’t like Christians; couldn’t they all get along in peace?
The men had come in from tending the sheep and were now calling their families to dinner; after the prayer Jidda would tell them a story.
Her story today was about Abraham; Aaron loved the story of Abraham, he told me so himself. I should probably introduce myself now; I am Aaron cousin, Miriam.
Aaron loved the story of Abraham because he felt if applied to himself, being called to move from his homeland. Though we moved for a different reason; religious freedom, and it went the other way, we were leaving the Promised Land.
That night as I settled down to sleep, Aaron came and asked me if I would like to ride Ali tomorrow. Ali was the tallest of our horses and was only used for riding; the children would take turns riding him. I was surprised that Aaron would give up his turn.
My heart leapt when he asked me, I loved horses. I felt so strong and mighty atop a horse.
“Yes, I would,” I told him in reply. “I would love to, but don’t you want to?”
“I do, but Grandfather said I must help with the flocks today. It is hard work driving sheep and they needed an extra helper.” He said this with a high and mighty voice he loved to remind me he was almost a man at every chance.
“I will see if my father allows. Say goodnight to Sarah for me, please.”
The next morning since my father allowed, Aaron helped me onto Ali and handed me my satchel of clothing. Sarah decided to walk next to me today instead of with her family. Sarah was a quiet girl, she didn’t talk much, actually I had never heard her talk, but she often didn’t need to, her eyes would talk for her.
I would often get bored up on Ali so I would turn around and see what was behind me, I saw Aaron and waved, he saw me but was too busy to wave back. Since there was nothing to do I decided to ask of my father some of the scriptures to read, so I dug my heels into Ali’s sides and made my way to the back of the train of people. It took me a little while for him to come over so while I was waiting I tried to find Luke, my future (We basically were, but we hadn't had a ceremony) betrothed. *I know you are probably thinking it is weird that I am already betrothed, but betrothals can last a few years and like I said we weren’t officially betrothed. This betrothal was much different than some in our community, we already knew each other and were friends, I was very grateful for that! When I found him I waved and smiled, he smiled and waved back, he was working with Aaron herding sheep. Luke would often have to cover for Aaron since he couldn’t keep all his sheep in line; it was quite funny to watch.
Aaron will get it someday; he still has time till his Bar Mitzvah.
Finally Father came over to me and asked what I needed, “Would I be allowed to read some of the Scriptures while riding?”
“Which book would like?”
“I think I would like to read Exodus again, if I may, that is.”
“Of course my dearest Miriam, it is your book is it not?” He said with a laugh, his laugh sounded like bells I heard once.
“Toda Rabah, Abba!” he liked it so very much when I used Hebrew, the common language was Aramaic, it means thank you, Father)
“Bevakasha!” (You are welcome)
Soon I had settled into a comfortable position and was reading Exodus while guiding Ali. it isn’t as hard as it sounds, plus I had Sarah to help me from running into things. I had just finished chapter 12 when Ali came to an abrupt halt; I tried to see what the holdup was but there was too much in front of me. Then I heard it, the sound that would haunt me for the rest of my life, the battle cry of raiders. They were all around us, how they got there without us knowing I have no idea. I guess they thought that a caravan of our size would be carrying gold, well unless there was a horde I knew about then, well we didn’t have anything worth a raid. The raiders came at us from all sides; I panicked and in doing so let go of Ali’s reins, which was a bad idea, as soon as he felt the slack he bolted, I flew from the saddle straight into the waiting arms of a raider!

Comments

Very nice! I really enjoyed

Very nice! I really enjoyed reading this. It is very well-written and extremely enjoyable. The only thing I have to point out is that the last couple of sentences were a little bit confusing (not like I couldn't understand what was going on), and I think maybe it was because you used several run-on sentences and not very much punctuation. I think I recognized that because I tend to use lots of run-on sentences but I go to the far side of using way to many commas. :) I have to edit my work carefully. :)
Welcome to Apricot Pie! I can't wait to see more of your works!
Most of the girls on here call me Damari, and you are quite welcome to do the same! ;)
God bless you!
In Christ,
Damaris

Damaris Ann | Tue, 01/13/2015

"It is the small temptations which undermine integrity unless we watch and pray and never think them too trivial to be resisted."
-Luisa May Alcott

Thanks for the tips Damari!

Thanks for the tips Damari! :)

Candace | Wed, 01/14/2015

Thanks for the tips Damari!

Thanks for the tips Damari! :)

Candace | Wed, 01/14/2015

No problem! I read the last

No problem! I read the last paragraph over ('cause I saw that you had edited) and it was much better! It's amazing how good punctuation will make a story more readable. :)

Damaris Ann | Wed, 01/14/2015

"It is the small temptations which undermine integrity unless we watch and pray and never think them too trivial to be resisted."
-Luisa May Alcott

That was really well done,

That was really well done, Candace. I enjoyed it :)
Welcome to Apricot Pie, by the way! :)

Aredhel Írissë | Fri, 04/24/2015

Hello Candace :)

Hello Candace! Welcome to ApricotPie! I apologize for somehow missing your lovely little story! This story has a lot of potential and I hope you continue to write it! Allow me to introduce myself: I’m Wings of Eternity and I’ve been on AP for a few years now! I am a homeschool college graduate. I have been writing stories and poetry all of my life. You story reminds me of many of the daring/suspenseful stories I wrote when I was your age! I sincerely hope you continue to write and don’t give up!

As for your story, Damari has pointed out some important points: like watching for run-on sentences. I noticed that run-on sentences and punctuation are your biggest two problems with this story. That is nothing to get discouraged about though! I still struggle sometimes with run-on sentences and comma problems! I also am notorious for using the word “you” too many times in my writing! It is such a big weakness for me that in editing, I do a re-read just for my use of the word “you”!

I am going to point out in your story where you have some punctuation problems. While it may seem like there are a lot, it is ok! I am doing this not to discourage you, but to instead help you to see where you have a tendency to make some punctuation mistakes. This will help you to grow in your writing by knowing where you need to be more careful. Someone did this once for me, and it was quite helpful! I am going to break this up into a few separate comments, or else it will be way too long to read at once!

Wings of Eternity | Sat, 04/25/2015

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Part 1

“I am Aaron cousin, Miriam.” – You want to put an apostrophe s after Aaron to read “I am Aaron’s cousin, Miriam.”

“Sarah was a quiet girl, she didn’t talk much, actually I had never heard her talk, but she often didn’t need to, her eyes would talk for her.” – I just love this part! There are a few things to point out here. You mention that Sarah was a quiet girl, so you don’t need to say she didn’t talk much. That’s a bit of repetition. I would put a period after “Sarah was a quiet girl.” Then you could continue with “Actually, I had never heard her talk, but she didn’t need to. Her eyes would talk for her.” Or “Actually, I had never heard her talk. She didn’t need to, because her eyes would talk for her.” This would eliminate the run-on sentence here.

“I would often get bored up on Ali so I would turn around and see what was behind me, I saw Aaron and waved, he saw me but was too busy to wave back.” – This is an example of a run-on sentence, where you actually still need commas. “I would often get bored up on Ali, so I would turn around and see what was behind me. I saw Aaron and waved. He saw me, but was too busy to wave back.” You want to take out the commas where there should be periods to end each of the sentences; however, you also want to add commas before you use a contradictory phrases like so, but, yet, etc.

“Since there was nothing to do I decided to ask of my father some of the scriptures to read, so I dug my heels into Ali’s sides and made my way to the back of the train of people.” – The word “since” at the beginning of a sentence signals an introductory phrase. This means that after that phrase is done, you want to use a comma. It will instead read like this “Since there was nothing to do, I decided to ask . . .” You will know when to put this type of comma if you read the sentence out loud. If you naturally pause at the end of a phrase, you will want to use a comma. In the first sentence here, you don’t need to use the word “of”. Instead, you want to use the word “for”. In this sentence, Miriam is asking her father “for” the scriptures to read, not asking “of” her father for some scriptures to read. Also, this sentence is a run-on sentence as well, so you will want to put a period before “so”. You can also remove the word “so” if you do that. It should read something like this: “Since there was nothing to do, I decided to ask my father for some of the scriptures to read. I dug my heels into Ali’s sides and made my way to the back of the train of people.”

Wings of Eternity | Sat, 04/25/2015

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Part 2

“It took me a little while for him to come over so while I was waiting I tried to find Luke, my future (We basically were, but we hadn't had a ceremony) betrothed. *I know you are probably thinking it is weird that I am already betrothed, but betrothals can last a few years and like I said we weren’t officially betrothed.” – This section is a little confusing because of the repetition. I understand from these sentences that you want to stress the strangeness of being betrothed with the reader. You can safely remove the words in parentheses from this because you mention that you aren’t officially betrothed soon after. Also, most fiction stories do not have parentheses in them because it breaks the reader out of your story. It breaks their reading flow and concentration. The same can be said for the asterisk (*). I recommend not using it for side notes, with the exception of clarifying what is being said in a foreign language (more on that a little later on). Again, there are a couple run-on sentences here. During the first sentence, I would clarify that you are still looking for your father. Instead of using the word “him”, I would say “my father”. Also, you don’t need the word “me” in the first sentence. It should read something like “It took a little while for my father to come over. While I was waiting, I tried to find Luke, my future betrothed.” I would reword the next sentence and eliminate the asterisk. An example might be “It may seem strange to think of me being betrothed, but I wasn’t betrothed officially yet.”

“This betrothal was much different than some in our community, we already knew each other and were friends, I was very grateful for that!” – You can put a period between “friends” and “I”. Also, a semicolon would be better than a comma between “community” and “we”. This is because you are explaining the sentence before, yet still keeping the same meaning/description of the previous sentence. “This betrothal was much different than some in our community; we already knew each other and were friends. I was very grateful for that!”

“and waved back, he was working with Aaron herding sheep.” – Just take out the comma here and put in a period. “and waved back. He was working with Aaron herding sheep.”

He said with a laugh, his laugh sounded like bells I heard once. –Again, just a period in place of a comma. “he said with a laugh. His laugh sounded like bells I heard once.”

““Toda Rabah, Abba!” he liked it so very much when I used Hebrew, the common language was Aramaic, it means thank you, Father)
“Bevakasha!” (You are welcome)” – This is the case in which an asterisk would be helpful. Right after you use any words in a foreign language (or any language that you feel your reader may not know or understand), use an asterisk and then put the translation. While I can honestly admit I don’t know the exact proper way of using the asterisk, you could do something like “Toda Rabah, Abba!*Thank you, Father!*” or

““Toda Rabah, Abba!*”
*Thank you, Father!
He liked it so very much when I used Hebrew.”

Also, this is another time you can use either a semicolon or a period for the sentence about the Hebrew. “He liked it so very much when I used Hebrew; the common language was Aramaic.” Or “He liked it so very much when I used Hebrew. The common language was Aramaic.”

Wings of Eternity | Sat, 04/25/2015

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Part 3

“it isn’t as hard as it sounds,” - A capital I here and a period after sounds so you don’t have a run-on sentence. “It isn’t as hard as it sounds.”
“I had just finished chapter 12 when Ali came to an abrupt halt; I tried to see what the holdup was but there was too much in front of me.” – You want to use a period here instead of a semi-colon.

“Then I heard it, the sound that would haunt me for the rest of my life, the battle cry of raiders.” – Since your emphasis is on the sound of the raiders, you would want to make that emphasis by using a colon. It should read like this “Then I heard it, the sound that would haunt me for the rest of my life: the battle cry of raiders.”

“They were all around us, how they got there without us knowing I have no idea.” – Period here instead of a comma. Also, I would add a comma after “knowing”. “They were all around us. How they got there without us knowing, I have no idea.”

“I guess they thought that a caravan of our size would be carrying gold, well unless there was a horde I knew about then, well we didn’t have anything worth a raid.” – Another run-on sentence here. I would put a period at the first comma, but keep the second comma. Take out the words “well” too because they don’t sound right in this sentence. You are attempting to show the seriousness of the situation, but also the strangeness of the raiders attacking. You accomplish that well without the words “well” in there. Also, I think you meant to put the word “nothing” in there, but it is missing. “I guess they thought that a caravan of our size would be carrying gold. Unless there was a horde I knew nothing about, then we didn’t have anything worth a raid.”

“The raiders came at us from all sides; I panicked and in doing so let go of Ali’s reins, which was a bad idea, as soon as he felt the slack he bolted, I flew from the saddle straight into the waiting arms of a raider!” –A run-on sentence here. No semicolon is needed in the first part of the sentence, use a period instead. I also would say you should put a period after “panicked”, but there are two ways to write this sentence. “I panicked. In doing so, I let go of Ali’s reins. That was a bad idea because as soon as he felt the slack, he bolted.” Or “I panicked, and in doing so, I let go of Ali’s reins.” After the word “bolted” either way you choose to right it (or even if you re-write it a completely different way), put a period. “I flew from the saddle straight into the arms of a raider!”

Well I know that is a huge amount of info to take it! I sincerely hope this helped you instead of scared you! I think you will make a wonderful writer! The entire time I was typing this edit, I was wondering what happens next to Miriam! Keep up the writing Candace! Welcome again to ApricotPie!

Wings of Eternity | Sat, 04/25/2015

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

Wings of Eternity PLEASE do

Wings of Eternity PLEASE do this for me! ;) wow, I got a lot out of that and it wasn't even my story.

Damaris Ann | Sat, 04/25/2015

"It is the small temptations which undermine integrity unless we watch and pray and never think them too trivial to be resisted."
-Luisa May Alcott

Damari :)

Damari,
Which one of your works would you like me to look at? I am kinda under the weather right now, so I figured when I did this critique for Candace, I would be doing something productive instead of staring at the ceiling haha! I cannot guarantee I will get to it right away, but I'd be happy to take a look at some of your works more closely. Let me know which ones :)

Wings of Eternity | Sat, 04/25/2015

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

I was thinking of future

I was thinking of future posts, but I would like for you to look over "Greater Love" if you have the time. :)

Damaris Ann | Sat, 04/25/2015

"It is the small temptations which undermine integrity unless we watch and pray and never think them too trivial to be resisted."
-Luisa May Alcott

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