Counted worthy

Fiction By Caroline // 4/12/2013

I hope y'all like this. I wouldn't exactly call this a fiction, because, even though if is not a real story, it is not a fantasy I guess I'm trying to say. So anyways, please critique! It's not that long so it doesn't take that long. I got the inspiration and wrote it in about ten minutes. Give me ideas though, please. If there's something that ought to be changed I will do it. (You can edit these after they're posted, right?) anyways, I hope you enjoy.

Suffering of the body was the thing I had escaped from. But the agony of mind, of my conscience was far worse. I had thought I knew myself better. But in the face of the king of terrors, with the thought of an agonizing death, I had cowed in fear, and after three long fearful weeks, I had renounced all I had ever stood for. Now I was free. But from what? My torment seemed so much the greater. My thoughts were for suicide. I had held the very tool with which to kill myself, when I realized that my suffering was nothing compared to my saviors. How I wanted to be accepted among the flock again and looked over by the shepherd. But doubt was ever before me. How could I come back? I had run from the shepherd in the very time I needed him most. I had betrayed those that had loved me and encouraged me. But, ever in my mind, before my eyes, on the pages of the book I held, I saw the words, again and again 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee' (Hebrews 13:5) my eyes watered and the words multiplied and filled the pages, and I begged God for forgiveness. So it was, that in another month, my faith was tried, and with a prayer in my heart, I went to my death rejoicing that I was counted worthy to suffer for his name. (Acts 5:41) and the suffering on earth was but a moment in the presence of a holy and perfect God.

Comments

Beautiful

Caroline,
Welcome to ApricotPie! I enjoyed reading this. Even though it is short, it very powerfully expresses how Christ's love for us can never be overcome and how it helps us to stand in time of severe trial and persecution.
I look forward to reading more of your writing.

James | Tue, 04/23/2013

<><~~~~~~~~~~~~><>
"The idea that we should approach science without a philosophy is itself a philosophy... and a bad one, because it is self-refuting." -- Dr. Jason Lisle

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your encouraging comment! I look forward to writing more and reading all of the stories and poems written by all the talented authors here. Thank you for the welcome as well. I really think that the story of the death and resurrection of Christ is very amazing. I thank God for what he has done for us in sending his son.
God bless,
Caroline

Caroline | Tue, 04/23/2013

Welcome to ApricotPie!

This is wonderful - the wording and the message. I really like this. Thank you for writing this!

You said critique. So, I must say that half of this piece is filled with passive sentences. You will know it's passive if there are these words in a sentence: am, is, are, was, were, be, been, being.

It is much like the example: The cake is what I baked.

You really want to use more active sentences vs. passive sentences because it's more direct and more clear and it's more concise. There ARE some times you do use passiveness (you can use it for variety or for more sober sentences), but it shouldn't be in your majority of sentences.

So, how do you fix it?

I baked a cake. You notice that the noun comes first before the verb and that makes it active.

I'll point out two of your sentences that were passive.

Suffering of the body was the thing I had escaped from. But the agony of mind, of my conscience was far worse. I actually think that these two sentences should be kept passive and the other sentences fixed. It's really up to you which ones are better passive and active.

Overall, this is a lovely piece.
God bless you. - Megan (my real name is Megan)

Lucy Anne | Wed, 04/24/2013

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh thank you! A great price

Oh thank you! A great price of advice! I will edit this as soon as I get the chance. Things have been kind of busy lately and I haven't had time to do any more writing. I am planning on writing a longer story soon, perhaps chapters? Well, I shall see when I begin it. Once more, I thank you for your wonderful input. Thank you also for the welcome, it is very much appreciated.
God bless,
Caroline

Caroline | Wed, 04/24/2013

Welcome to AP!

Hi Caroline! Welcome to AP!
This is really great, and powerful. The wording is fabulous and (after reading your bio) I am mortified to think that you consider yourself in any use of the term "a bad writer"
Very well done.
Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Looking forward to reading more from you :)

Kassady | Wed, 04/24/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Navigation

User login

Please read this before creating a new account.