The Masked Murderer

Fiction By Damaris Ann // 7/31/2017

Kirsten flew through my front door, hardly stopping to slam it shut behind her. Her hair was a crazy mess; streaming all around her, and she looked like she'd been flying through rain clouds without a helmet on.
"Wha-whatever happens; whoever comes knocking, I've been here for at least half an hour."
She had a death grip on my side table while she gasped for breath. I raised an eyebrow at her and folded my arms. "I can do better than that. How many minutes do we have before someone shows up to ask?"
"Approximately ten."
"Perfect," I said. "Come with me."
I led her into my bedroom, and tossed her some mismatched pajamas and a pair of fuzzy socks.
"Put those on," I said, "and put your wet clothes in my washing machine with the load that's already going. Don't forget to start it up again. And when you're done, come back into the living room. Thank God it's dark out!"
I shuffled into my own pajamas and ducked my head under the faucet, grabbing a jar of hair curlers before I dashed into the living room. I remember grabbing the first half of BBC's Pride and Prejudice, fast-forwarding it until it was over have way through. Kirsten came back in and plopped down on the couch, still wheezing and gasping for breath.
"Put this moisturizer mask on, and then put half of your hair in curlers. Quick! I've got to get the popcorn. And for Pete's sake try to stop gasping for breath."
I made a huge bowl of popcorn, grabbed a half-eaten container of ice cream, and a few theatre box candies, spreading it all haphazardly around my coffee table. I had just taken over Kirsten's hair curlers when the cops knocked.
I flopped my Batman plush throw around my shoulders and made sure to be carrying a hair curler and a few Bobby pins in one hand while I opened the door with the other.
I opened my eyes wide and gasped when Danny held up a badge.
"Police. We need to ask you a few questions."
"Oh, Danny!"
He ducked his eyes and whispered intensely. "I'm on duty, Bailey, so you can't call me by name."
"I-I, of course. Come in, Officer."
"Thanks," he mouthed, and then he stepped inside, his senior officer following behind.
"Have you seen anyone in a black cape and mask running through your neighborhood? Someone who looks like this?" He held up a rough sketch.
"No, I've never seen anyone like it. What, that is, what are they wanted for? Is it for murder? Oh my word, I'm going to be killed in my sleep by a masked murderer!! You have to do something! Please don't leave me!" I frantically clutched at the cops arm, literally crying. The dumb blonde move always works, even in real life.
He soothingly patted my arm, only looking slightly uncomfortable and extremely awkward.
"There there. We have several of our finest officers on patrol in your neighborhood. You'll be safe, ma'am." He winked when he said the word "finest". "Here," he took a card out of his pocket. "If you see anything suspicious, anything at all, just give me a call and I'll be here to protect you."
He handed me his card, and I tried to look slightly embarrassed while dabbing at my wet eyes.
"Oh, thank you," I breathed. "I feel so much safer with you nearby."
"Any time, ma'am. You might want to keep a weapon near your bed tonight, just in case."
"Okay. Okay, I think I have some pepper spray I can use. Thank you again, Officer. I hope you catch your perp."
He stepped out the door, tipping his hat to me. The senior officer was close behind him. His face was pretty close to those statues you see in a memorial museum; hard and serious.
"Me too, Miss, me too."
I shut the door behind them, and then walked back to where Kirsten was waiting for me on the couch. I shook my head, and she grinned.
"Kirsten, you're hilarious. Why didn't you let me in on this before?"
"Because I knew that you and Danny are pretty tight, and I didn't want to take a chance on you blowing my cover. Besides, wasn't that fun?"
"I suppose it was, but one of these days you're going to get yourself into trouble. And besides, isn't this the second brother that you've pranked in such a way? If I remember correctly, you did this to Carl on his first night shift as a rookie way back when."
"You're right, I did. But there's not much else to do for fun in the small town, and your brothers deserve this for all the pranks they played on us growing up."
I laughed. "How are you gonna keep this from Danny? Didn't he just propose to you this morning?"
She blushed and smiled, ducking her head slightly. "Yes, and that multiplies the fun by a hundred."
I gave her a big hug.
"Alright, you masked murderer, you. Let's start this movie back at the beginning."