My Life Through Music Part Six: Demons

An Essay By Damaris Ann // 1/22/2019

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

The year that I turned 19 was the darkest year of my life. Not the hardest; the darkest. I was still reeling from my breakup the previous year, and I was stuck in a deep slough of murky depression. The fog was so thick that on most days I felt like I was suffocating. Drowning, even.
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I was thrown into this mindset that all men were horrible people, and I couldn’t trust anyone in my life. I hid my depression, keeping it close to my chest. I was wary and weary as well. And fragile. I was oh, so fragile. I remember countless nights of crying quietly over one well-meant comment that tore at my heartstrings because of past hurts and memories. Everything was slowly tearing me down.
I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

I hid my depression for almost an entire year. But then I remember one Sunday when I was feeling especially broken and weary. My pastor greeted me, and I felt like he looked right into my soul when he asked how I was doing. “Well,” I hesitated, but suddenly I felt like I would collapse if I didn’t tell him. “I’m really struggling with depression right now.”
That’s the first time I remember telling anyone about it. I started being a little more open with my family about my struggles. It was SO hard, and I was terrified of being seen as a broken person. I was terrified of what they would think of me.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

I felt like there was so much going on under the surface of the mask I was wearing on a daily basis, and I willed everyone around me to understand. But after hiding something for so long, it’s difficult to shed a light on it all at once. So I kept most of my demons on a leash, waiting in the shadows until I trusted enough to let them loose.
When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

In the late summer of my 19th year, I spent two and a half weeks in Georgia with my grandparents. My grandma had just had a pacemaker put in the week before, so my grandparents did a lot of napping and resting. Which meant that I had several hours during the day with nothing to do. I read three full novels in four days, and then I looked around helplessly for something else to do. I found the neighborhood gym and gated swimming pool, and that’s where I spent my afternoons each day. I battled my demons while doing as many pushups, squats, wall sits, planks, bridges, and shoulder stands as I could, and then I ran as fast and long as I could stand to. Then, when I was as mentally and physically exhausted as could be, I’d jump in the pool and just sit there, letting the sunlight and water minister to my soul.
Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth

But the nights were still lonely. I missed the fellowship I had at home. So I spent my late nights writing and journaling. And I FaceTimed my little sister. I found myself opening up to her more and more. I told her a little bit about my demons, too.
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When I finally went home I kept up with my exercising daily. I was walking several miles a day, as well as doing cardio workouts and lifting weights. I was stronger than ever before, and my mind was getting stronger, too. There were less demons lurking in the shadows of my eyes than there had been before, and I had days sprinkled throughout my months where I felt happy. Actually happy.
They were little moments. Like walking in the rain and seeing a burst of sunshine. Or cuddling my little nephews. Or talking to a friend. They were little moments, but they were big to me.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

But I still wasn’t completely open with how much I was still hurting. How much I was still struggling. Still broken.
It is my firm belief that I myself didn’t even understand how broken I was. I was in denial.
They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

But I was better, and I think that is what mattered most. My faith was stronger, I had a deeper love for my family, and I was slowly starting to trust again.
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes

So although I was still depressed, I was growing. And my 19th year ended on that high note.
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Part Seven: If...

Comments

Very Deep!

It's amazing how you interspersed your own struggles with your personal demons between the lines of a popular, surprisingly deep song about doing so (one of my favorites, actually). Your story follows the rising intensity of the song and comes to a beautiful conclusion as you reach the end of the song, which I find really amazing (I should stop saying amazing).

Anna Sabine | Tue, 01/22/2019

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

<3

Thank you!! This song is definitely a favorite of mine as well. :) Thank you for your comment!
And hey, I’m not going to complain about your (hypothetical) overuse of the word “amazing”, especially given its context. ;)

Damaris Ann | Tue, 01/22/2019

I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.

This is beautiful! You were

This is beautiful! You were so brave to share with your pastor, and you're so brave to share with us now ❤

Sarah Bethany | Tue, 01/22/2019

<3

Thank you, Love. ❤️

Damaris Ann | Tue, 01/22/2019

I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.

Wow, Damaris. This is so

Wow, Damaris. This is so powerful. It touched my heart. <3

Libby | Wed, 01/23/2019

“The gospel alone is the power of God unto salvation.
Therefore, suffer, yes. Be misunderstood, yes. Be shamed, yes. But do not be ashamed. For the joy set before you, take up your cross, follow Jesus, be shamed and despise the shame!" -- John Piper

:)

Thank you, dear. <3

Damaris Ann | Wed, 01/23/2019

I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.

Wow Damaris. This is so

Wow Damaris. This is so touching and such a deep reflection of yourself. Your openness is so powerful. It can help someone else who is hurting to expel their own demons and recognize the truth. Keep on growing through the pain! It is overcoming the hardest times that refine our character and gives us all the more things to celebrate about!

Lucy Anne | Fri, 01/25/2019

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

<3

Thank you, Megan! That is my hope: to encourage others who are struggling. :)

Damaris Ann | Fri, 01/25/2019

I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.

Wow, Damaris. I admire how

Wow, Damaris. I admire how honest you are about this. It's so inspiring!

Madalyn Clare | Sun, 01/27/2019

Introverts unite!
Separately!
From the comfort of your own homes!

<3

Thank you, Maddy! You’re so kind.

Damaris Ann | Sun, 01/27/2019

I don’t thrive off of chaos: chaos thrives off of me.

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