[this has been redacted for possible publication. I will repost if it doesn't get into the college lit mag.]
Wow. Seriously: wow. This may be the best thing you've ever written, which is saying a lot! It was so wonderfully honest and the wording here was exquisite.
the road reflects the moon now
a misshapen orb when
translated to our dampened earth
That is so potent.
I’m threadbare, like the patches in my jeans
you have put your fingers there and
felt around just enough
to make me squirm
I love that so, so much.
This whole poem is something to be savored! It's melodic, soothing, bright and content. I'm trying to think of the right word to describe this, but I can't! This is simply amazing!
(One thing--right here, typo: even you callused hands and eloquent words)
everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way
Thank you so, so much! I'm proud of this one. It just kind of spilled out without me having to edit, so I'm glad it translated well.
"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond
This is a beautiful work, Erin. I can tell it pours from your soul. I love the images, and it sounds like you're sharing something very close to you from your life. I could read this a couple times and try to think about the different meanings of it - it's not a simple poem. :)
"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thank you so much! I always appreciate your comments. :)
This is definitely one of your best works ever. It's so beautiful and like Megan said, so very close to your heart/soul. I love the words, especially threadbare and callused.
Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh
I liked the feel of this. Your words were very well chosen! ... except one! I know what you meant, but this line "that acts as a distorted fun mirror" struck me as out of place because of the word "fun." Everything else is so eloquent and then "fun." I think you're right to differentiate it from just a normal mirror distorting things, but I don't know if those mirrors have another name!
Thank you both so much! And thank you, Kyleigh, for bringing that up! That was something that I debated taking out. I was curious to see if anyone else found it to be out of place. I probably will end up removing it since my first instincts told me it was awkward anyway. Thank you for your input!
I see what Kyleigh means! Didn't catch that on my first readthrough. Maybe circus? They are traditionally circus mirrors, aren't they? Agh! I don't know...haha. Don't listen to me!
That might work! I'll play around with it. I may just take it out completely, since distorted mirror kind of gives you an idea, but I wanted to be clear about the kind of mirror I'm talking about. Thanks for the suggestion! :)
This is beautiful Erin! I can tell how heartfelt it is! These types of poems (the ones that come from nowhere to you in their entirety) are the best kind! I love the imagery and the mood. It was quite lovely! Thanks for sharing it!
P.S. I agree with removing the word "fun". It did seem to break me a bit out of the glorious trance I was in while reading this wonderful poem!
"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12
Thank you so much! Yes, I will definitely take it out. I'm heading to edit it now. :)
This really is quite extraordinary Erin! Wow... I absolutely loved the wording and the almost... hmm... "damp night" feel to it. Imagery was fabulous, and I have to disagree with everyone, I actually thought that the "fun mirror" was great, I didn't notice it contradicting the poem, because I think it fits... It's very a well rounded poem! Lovely, lovely, lovely! I honestly don't know what else to say!
"Here's looking at you, Kid"
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