Consumed

A Poem By Erin // 11/14/2014

You are completely consuming my mind.
I want you out now, I want you gone.
I hate it when I feel the impending dread in my chest,
Sinking & plowing down through my organs.
Your exit is nearer than I am prepared for,
I need to see you but I can’t seem clingy—
But I am, I’m clinging, I‘m clinging for dear life,
On the edge, it’s so precarious, and you are so close.
Why did you have to make these changes so abruptly?
I’ve just gotten to the point where I think, “Yes, maybe.”
It’s taken nearly two years but I’m here, I’ve arrived.
Every time I have feelings for anyone, they leave—
They get engaged, they go overseas, and now they join the military.
I know I’m getting out in a few months anyway,
But at least where I’m going we could keep in touch.
I’m checking my phone every five minutes,
Hoping you’ll call or text or explain,
“I was just messing with you, I’m staying right here.”
It’s an alternate reality that has become an impossibility
I’ll get used to it at some point, but I’m wishing I could erase
When I forced it out of you, the why, what, and how,
The sad, expectant smile on your face because you knew
Exactly what I would think.
All the dots have connected since then, the stars have aligned
You’ve slowly distanced yourself from me these past couple of months
Less hand grabbing and shoulder brushing
You told me all the boys would chase me in college,
But you didn’t say anything about yourself.
You’ve been saying a gentle goodbye, even if we won’t really part
For another six months, ideally—
I have so many questions and so many things to say
Because I’m at my point, my almost two-year mark;
How long it takes for me to start to fall, head first.
I always take this passive policy when it comes to “love”
“I wouldn’t say no to him, but I’m not going to ask, either.”
I’m sick of it, a life without risks…
But when I see you I’m probably just going to hug a little tighter,
A little longer,
I will be discontent with my quiet defeat.
Angry with myself for being so scared of truth, commitment,
And the rejection that comes with putting myself out there—
But at least I will get to say my platonic “I love yous.”

Comments

This has good rhythm, Erin!

This has good rhythm, Erin! Very nice.

Damaris Ann | Sat, 11/15/2014

"It is the small temptations which undermine integrity unless we watch and pray and never think them too trivial to be resisted."
-Luisa May Alcott

Thank you, Damari! (I heard

Thank you, Damari! (I heard that's your new nickname :))

Erin | Sun, 11/16/2014

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Yep it is, and I LOVE it! I

Yep it is, and I LOVE it! I feel like I'm finally part of the AP family! :)

Damaris Ann | Sun, 11/16/2014

"It is the small temptations which undermine integrity unless we watch and pray and never think them too trivial to be resisted."
-Luisa May Alcott

Wow! You should be proud,

Wow! You should be proud, extremely proud!!! This is incredible and the way you can portray and share this so bravely is inspiring! I love this! I can't say I've been in your exact position, but I do not a little bit of how that feels and it SUCKS!!! I really hope it all works out for you! I'm sorry you have to go through this drama.
Incredible poetry though! So, so, so well done!'

Kassady | Mon, 11/17/2014

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Erin | Tue, 11/18/2014

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

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