Excerpt from New Novel (will not be posting)

Fiction By Erin // 11/12/2009

Hey, I won't be posting all of this. I'm entering a novel writing competition (check out www.bookartsbash.com!! ) and this is an excerpt from a novel I'm considering. PLEASE, I LOVE CONSTRUCTIVE CRIT.!! Thanks!

 
 
 
Chapter One
 
      Swish, swish, swish. Whirr, whirr, whirr. Puff, puff, puff.
            Ahead of me is a huge tree, a live oak, right in the center of the side walk. Most people would run right into it, but I’m used to maneuvering it. I shift my weight to the other side of my bike, and smoothly glide around it. No one knows why the neighborhood keeps it there. Dad says it’s because they think it’s funny when people run into it. Mom says it’s because it’s some sort of historical landmark. Ruby, my sister, says it’s because The Great Fire Spirit sends his mighty fire ant army to torture people inside, so that the neighborhood can keep its population down.
            Ahead of me I see an old, Asian man. I’ve never seen him before, and I assure you that no one ever leaves Elemental End, my town. I pull up my bike as I get closer, which probably isn’t smart. But he’s looking at me. It’s not friendly, creepy or angry. He’s just watching.
            “Are you a newcomer?” I ask. He looks even older up close. His eyes are brown and his skin is tan and wrinkled. He has a long mustache and a bald head. Intriguing.
            “Jakob?” he asks with a Japanese accent. He stares intently at me. I glance rather nervously behind me, where the neighborhood pool is.
            “Er…..Yeah,” I say unsurely.
            “Good, good,” he mumbles, looking down as he nods. He’s bent over in age.
            There’s a pause.
            “Um, and you are?” I say. I don’t know if this is rude or not, but the man doesn’t seem to take offense to it. He looks back up, his brown eyes dancing.
            “Tsubasa,” he says, smiling.
            “Tut-zoo-bassa?” I ask slowly.
            “Tuh-su-bah-suh,” he says slowly, still smiling. “Jakob?”
            I wonder if he’s senile. I nod. “Yes, I am Jakob,” I say politely.
            “Jakob follow Tsubasa?”
            I look warily. But I can see that unless he is a freakish alien in disguise, he means very well. I nod. “Jakob follow Tsubasa,” I say.
            Tsubasa grins and gestures forward. He walks faster than expected, and I actually have to peddle my bike to keep up. Wind blows strangely behind him as he walks.
            He stops at a tree. I almost run into him, he’s so sudden about it. I look to the side, and the tree is right beside the abandoned Peterson house. It’s an old Victorian home, and it looks at though some sort of witchcraft must go on here.
            “Jakob trust Tsubasa?” asks the little man all of a sudden.
            I look at his face and nod. I trust him.
            “Jakob forgive Tsubasa?”
            I look at him quizzically but still nod. Is he kidnapping me, like Mr. Tumnus had done in Narnia that I had read when I was young?
            “Then we go.”
            All of a sudden I am off my bike and sinking far below the earth, screaming.

Comments

That's not fair, to not post

That's not fair, to not post the whole thing!  Will there be any way to see it when it's done?
I'm not sure about the first line.  The whole 'swish swish' thing is kinda strange.  But it's really good other than that.

Bridget | Thu, 11/12/2009

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question." - Harun Yahya

Okay, thanks! Yeah, I'll

Okay, thanks! Yeah, I'll probably be doing a lot of editing once I'm done, so I'll make sure to fix that :-D

Erin | Fri, 11/13/2009

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

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