Mystery of the Old House (Chapters 3-4)

Fiction By Aredhel Írissë // 5/15/2012

Chapter III Back to the old house
They laughed, and walked on, with Abigail trudging behind, as June ran up ahead of them all. Abigail was two blocks behind Lucy and Victoria and June when they reached school. She decided to run so she wouldn't be late for school. She went inside, and saw Kayla behind her school desk, chin in hands. She looked up to see Abigail standing in front of her desk. “Hello, Abby,” she said smiling.
“Hi, Kayla,” They began talking, but the teacher soon quieted every one down. “Good morning, class,” She smiled.
After class, the teacher dismissed them all to go home. The class walked out excitedly, talking. Finally! No more school for the rest of the summer! Abby and Kayla caught up with with a girl who looked like she could be no more than twelve.
“Hi, I assume either one, you just got out of another grade and are now in this one, or two, your new to this school. Which one?” Abigail asked.
“New,” Holly replied.
"Name?" Abby asked, smiling.
"Holly," she said, with a note of annoyance on her voice.
“Welcome to our school. Like it so far?” Kayla asked.
“I barely know a thing about it! I'm new, stupid!” She walked off.
Kayla said, “Whew! She's awfully rude!”
"You can say that again!” Abby said. "Wanna go back to the old house tonight?" She asked.
“When?” Kayla asked.
“Around 11:30. That okay?” Abigail answered.
“Sure,” Kayla smiled. “I gotta get home now, but I'll see you later,” She said. “Okay, Kayla, bye!” At nine-thirty p.m., Abigail laid down on the couch, so she could hear Kayla when she knocked, thinking she might as well sleep while she could. It seemed like only minutes later when she heard a soft rap on the door. She put on her robe, and went to the door. Looking out the door window told her it was Kayla at the door.
She opened it, and Kayla whispered, “Ready?”
“Just a minute,” Kayla waited out side in the cool breeze, while Abigail went up the stairs to her bedroom, changed, put on a jacket, and went down stairs. “Now I am,” she smiled.
“Okay, come on.” They walked, until they reached the old house. Walking around the tiny pond, they opened the door.

Chapter IV Robbers!
“Look!” Kayla said. “Someone—other than us—has been in here recently.” “How do you know?”
“Look over there, the old beautiful painting done by Maria herself is gone, and also, there,” Kayla pointed to a spot where dust laid. “Footprints,” She said. “Sure those aren't ours from the other day?”
“I know they're not, because our feet aren't that big! whether they stole the painting or not, though, someone would have had to move it for it not be where it was before. And I'll bet that they did steal it. That picture could be worth a lot of money.”
“Oh, of course,” Abigail said. “Wearing a watch?” She asked.
“Sure, it's 11:07, I got to your house about three or so minutes late.”
A cold breeze swept in through a partly broken window.
“Brr,” Abby said.
They continued looking around. Suddenly Abby stopped short.
“Holy crow! Kayla! Do you hear what I hear?”
“I think, if you hear footsteps.” Kayla lowered her voice. “Come on, Abby! What are we waiting for? Let's get out of here before we get spotted!” They ran out the door and hid behind the bushes. Only moments later, they saw a man—or person, but they could not tell if it was man or woman because of the black mask over his face—he was carrying what looked like a frame, maybe the one they had seen missing. He was also carrying a bag that made a very quiet jingle, as though something medal was inside it, like money. And he also had a beautiful, old porcelain doll, that Maria had owned. “Look!” Abigail whispered. “That might be the painting that was miss--”
“Shh!” Kayla whispered, putting a finger to her lips. “He's headed this way!” They lay low, not making a sound. They thought he was headed for a car, because they saw one at the curb of the road.
“That's strange,” Kayla whispered, “that car wasn't there before, was it?" "Search me. If it was, I didn't see it," Abby replied.
"I suppose it's someone else who is ganged up with this thief. That's probably a getaway car, and he just got here to pick up his pal. Sure do hope they don't see us!” Heart pounding, Kayla looked through the bush. He was almost right in front of it! To Kayla's relief, though, he wasn't looking their way. Motioning Abigail to follow, Kayla crept from behind the bush, keeping as low as possible. She and Abby got behind the house just as he was turning his head! Backs pressed against the house, they waited. He was looking right in their direction, but they were concealed in the houses big, looming shadows. Finally, when he thought no one was looking, he went to the car and got in. He definitely wasn't the driver. He got in the back of the car. When the car was out of sight in the distance, Kayla sighed, relieved. “Holy smokes! That was that close! Too close!” Abby said, “You can say that again!”
“Oh, me! It's almost twelve o'clock!” Kayla exclaimed.
“That late?”
“Yeah, wanna go back in now?” Kayla asked.
“No! There could be more bandits in there!” “I doubt it. The getaway cars already gone.”
“So? I think we should play safe.”
“Alright, lets go home, then,” Kayla agreed ruefully.


This is very good!!But, it

This is very good!!But, it would have been even better if you made a different paragraph whenever a different person spoke. That is a very important rule, and I would highly reccomend you to apply it into your writing. In the fourth chapter, I noticed you wrote, 'their' instead of 'they're'. But otherwise, you are a very young girl to be writing extremely well! :)

Lucy Anne | Wed, 05/23/2012

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thankyou! I'll try that :)

Thankyou! I'll try that :)

Aredhel Írissë | Wed, 05/23/2012

Nice. I like how you're

Nice. I like how you're making the girls seem strong, but vulnerable. I also agree with Lucy Anne. It is confusing because I can't understand uses speaking and who isn't.

j. Glen pollard | Sat, 07/06/2013

"The trip is a difficult one. I will not be myself when I reach you."-When I Reach Me.

Thanks :) I'll edit it

Thanks :) I'll edit it someday...Probably ;)

Aredhel Írissë | Mon, 07/08/2013