Several The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit crack-fics I wrote
Tauriel: You like killing things, orc? You like death? Well then let me give it to you! *Lops orcs head off*
Tauriel: Something the matter?
Thranduel: I was going to question that orc!
Tauriel: And then what? Kill it? You couldn’t have gotten anything out of him…except lies.
Thranduel: *Indignant* Believe it or not, pointy-eared she-elf, orcs don't lie.
Tauriel: Says who?
Thranduel: Says me.
Tauriel: You! Ha! *Laughs an evil elf laugh*
Tauriel: Legolas, tell your dad orcs lie!
Thranduel: Tell her they don't!
Legolas: I don't go out talking to orcs on a regular basis and them go and see if they're telling the truth.
Tauriel: *Rolls eyes* They do lie, King Thranduel!
Thranduel: I am really mad at you right now, young lady!
Legolas: Um…this is getting really fierce, dad.
Thranduel: It’s true! She killed my orc, and I’m very mad!
Legolas: You rhymed with the last word I said. And it wasn’t your orc. It was Sauron’s orc.
Aragorn: Go kill them, then!
Legolas: I'm not sure I can do this...
Frodo: I'll help!
Aragorn: What are you doing here, Frodo? You're supposed to be taking the Ring to Mordor!
Frodo: It was too hard, so I decided to come here and help you kill oliphaunts.
Legolas: Okay. C'mon, Shorty! Up you go! *Lifts Frodo onto back*
Aragorn: Legolas! Come back here! Frodo's not supposed to be here!
Legolas: *Ignores Aragorn and keeps on going* There's one! *Points*
Frodo: There's lots, Prince Obvious.
Legolas: What did you call me?
Frodo: Oh, nothing.
Legolas: *Shrugs* Whatever... *Comes up to oliphaunt and starts climbing arrows* Don't you fall, Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: I won't!
*Arrow breaks and down they fall*
Legolas: *After the hit the ground* Frodo, how much do you weigh? Last time I killed an oliphaunt I climbed the arrows fine.
Frodo: Well, when I left the shire, I was about seventy pounds, but I've probably lost about ten since then.
Legolas: You mean you're like sixty pounds!
Frodo: Is that a lot?
Legolas: Are you kidding?! Such a short little fella like yourself weighs so much! I'd hate to know how much your dad weighed (No offense)
Frodo: How much... do you weigh?
Legolas: Five. *Is proud*
Frodo: Five what? Tons? *Laughs*
Legolas: *Rolls eyes* Pounds. All elves are just naturally thin.
Frodo: What about Haldir? He’s fat.
Legolas: It’s because he ate an oliphaunt for supper.
Frodo: *Popeyes* Legolas, look out!
Oliphaunt: *Puts foot right above them*
Frodo and Legolas: *Rolls out of the way*
Frodo: That was close!
Legolas: You'd better let me kill this oliphaunt, Frodo!
Frodo: Not fair! You told me I could come.
Legolas: No! *Starts climbing arrows*
Frodo: *Climbs arrows on other side of oliphaunt* *Thinking to self* I'll kill the oliphaunt! *Reaches top and draws Sting* Haaa! On guard! *Kills all orcs an men on top* *Goes over to oliphaunt's head* Huyah! *Sticks sword into its head*
Oliphaunt: *Falls over, dead, on the side Legolas was climbing*
Frodo: Uh-oh, won't I hear about that when he comes out! *Jumps off of oliphaunt and starts running* *Is caught by the hair by someone from behind* *Twists head around and see Legolas staring down at him angrily*
Legolas: Frodo Baggins! You terrible little shorty! You--you awful hobbit!
He was a very bedraggled sight to look upon.
Frodo: I--I just wanted to prove I wasn't too fat to climb up the arrows, and then while I was practically to the top I wanted to prove that even a little hobbit could kill an oliphaunt.
Frodo: It’s a Nazgul!
Nazgul Witch King of Angmar: Yes, and I’m here to get you and the Ring.
Frodo: No! You can’t see me! I have the Ring on!
Nazgul: Can’t see you? But I can smell you. *Walks over to where Frodo is standing*
Frodo: *Gasps* *Turns towards the way Aragorn went off* No! Aragorn! Help!
Nazgul: *Evil laugh*
Sam: Mr Frodo! Look out!
Frodo: *Whirls around to find Nazgul right behind him with knife poised over him* No! *Jumps to side* You can’t get me, you ugly little creep!
Nazgul: *Towers above Frodo* Little? You’re the little, if anyone is.
Frodo: *Clears throat nervously*
Nazgul: Die! *Tries again to stick Frodo.
Frodo: *Jumps out of the way again* By Elbereth and Luthien the fair, you shall have neither the Ring nor me!
Nazgul: Um, you’re not supposed to say that until you’re on your way to Rivendell and we’re after you…
Frodo: So??? What’s wrong with saying it twice?
Nazgul: My author didn’t make it that way.
Frodo: And besides, it’s the truth.
Nazgul: *Stabs Frodo*
Sam: MR FRODO!
Sam: *Is very angry* *Grabs sword and runs up to Nazgul* On guard!
Nazgul: No living man can kill me. Die now!
Sam: I am no man! *Kills Witch King*
Other Nazgul: *Runs away*
Éowyn: I can fight!
Èowyn: Well, yes. I don't see what's so hard about it. I mean, you just stick the orcs with your sword.
Aragorn: Orcs fight too.
Théoden: K fine, this one time, Éowyn, but never again.
Éowyn: I don't see why I can't do it again after this. *Pouts*
Aragorn: Why can't she?
Théoden: *Whispers* She probably won't live through this, stupid.
*Everyone starts killing orcs, except Éowyn, who stays at her uncle's side, who is killing orcs*
Théoden: Will you not fight?
Éowyn: Oh, Uncle, I'm afraid!
Aragorn: I heard that, Éowyn. You told me you didn't fear death.
Éowyn: I don't fear death. I fear orcs.
Legolas: Looks like we'll have to toss you, Gimli!
Gimli: No! I'll jump! *Jumps* *Doesn't make it to other side*
Legolas: He fell!!!
Aragorn: Prince of Stating the Obvious...
Legolas: What? I'm Prince of Mirkwood. What are you talking about?
Boromir: Well, I guess we're rid of one shorty. Four more to go.
Boromir: I mean three...not you, Frodo. I like the thing you're carrying around your ne--I mean I like you.
Legolas: *Is brushing hair*
Aragorn: My dear Legolas, there is an orc right behind you, with an arrow pointed at your back.
Legolas: *In a rush begins to finish brushing his hair*
Aragorn: Legolas, don’t worry about finishing your hair. Kill the orc!
Legolas: I don’t want to die, with an orc having seen me, with the pretty face that I have, mine with messy hair!
Aragorn: Legolas, he’s getting ready to shoot!
Legolas: Just a min—*Falls over with an arrow in his back*
Aragorn: Well, he’ll never have to worry about an orc seeing his messy hair again. *Bends over Legolas* May the blessings of Heaven fall upon you, that never will you have to brush your hair in that blessed place; and if you do have to, may you find many a brush to brush your beautiful long yellow hair. Rest in peace, my dear little elf.
Legolas: Is is not our fight.
Tauriel: It is our fight.
Orc: *Sneaks up behind Tauriel*
Legolas: Tauriel, look out!
Orc: *Shoots Tauriel*
Legolas: *Kills orc* Well, it’s certainly not your fight anymore, Tauriel.
Legolas: *Is brushing hair*
Aragorn: Legolas, what do you think you're doing? We're about to fight all these thousands of orcs, and you're worried about your hair?!
Legolas: Thousands? *Raises eyebrows* I don't want to look like I haven't brushed my hair in three days in front of thousands of orcs!
Aragorn: You don't look like you haven't brushed it in days. When you started, you looked like you had just brushed it two seconds before!
Aragorn: Your hair looks fine, Legolas. Come with me. We have things to do!
Legolas: No! Not until I'm finished!
Gimli: *Runs by and trips, knocking Legolas over*
Legolas: My hair!!! IT'S RUINED!!!!!!
Aragorn: *Rolls eyes* Oh, great.