Several The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit crack-fics I wrote #2
Gandalf: A palantir is a dangerous tool, Saruman.
Saruman: No, it is not.
Gandalf: *Grabs palantir and throws at Saruman*
Sarumon: *Is hit in the head* *Falls over* Ooowww!!!
Gandalf: Told you it was dangerous. *Walks off*
Frodo: I’m going to trust this liar and murderer and not you. I’m going to make you go all those hundreds of miles back to the Shire, though you're the most loyal servant anyone could ever ask for. Go marry Rosie. Now get outta' my life.
Kili: Tauriel…It’s hard to say this, but I…I love you.
Tauriel: *Closes eyes and smiles* Kili, I love you too. Ever since I first saw you I did.
Kili: You do? What about the elf you like?
Tauriel: Legolas? Yes, I did like him. But that was before I saw you.
Legolas: *Is listening in on conversation*
Kili: It’s so good to know you love me.
Legolas: *Sneaks up behind Tauriel and taps her on the shoulder* Boo!
Tauriel: *Spins around* Oh! H…hi, Legolas!
Legolas: Hi, Taury girl. Is something the matter? You’re stammering.
Tauriel: Why, no. I was…just checking…on the prisoners.
Legolas: I see. *Big smile* Well, see you around. *Walks off*
Legolas: You know, Tauriel, in all the history of Elves, there have been very few marriages between Elves and Men…..
Legolas: But you know what? There’s never once been a marriage between an Elf and a Dwarf….
Tauriel: What about it? I don’t really care.
Legolas: You’d think that out of all the Elves and Dwarves, at least two of them would have married…
Tauriel: Why are you telling me this?! I don’t care!
Legolas: But they never did….
Tauriel: Why am I supposed to care???
Legolas: You know, I was thinking…Kili is pretty tall for dwarf, is he not?
Legolas: I’ve noticed he seems to like you…
Tauriel: That’s his own business. I know nothing of it.
Legolas: But I heard you tell him you love him, and not me.
Sam: It’s gone! The elven bread is gone!
Gollum: *Walks over to Sam* Look! Bread crumbs! *Brushes crumbs off of Sam’s cloak* He did it! He ate the bread!
Sam: I didn’t do it! He’s a liar!
Frodo: No, you ate it, Sam. Gollum’s been our guide a long time. Don’t you think that when it comes to the world ending if we don’t destroy—*glances at Gollum* Don’t you realize the world is at stake if we don’t get into Mordor? In this case, I’m afraid that a liar and a murderer will have to be trusted more than even the greatest of friends so the world doesn’t end. I’m sorry, Sam.
Sam: No! You can’t mean it!
Frodo: I know you’ve been probably the most faithful creature in the world, and gone with me practically all the way to Mordor, but I’m going to trust this lying thieving murderer not to kill me, and I’m going to send you home, no matter what he might be.
Frodo: *Is in Shelob’s Lair and is very much in fear* *Is regretting having told Sam to go home* Sam, oh, Sam!
Sam: *Is back in the Shire, marrying Rosie Cotton*
Frodo: Oh, Sam! *Tears up* *Hears noise* *Looks behind and sees nothing; turns back around* *Is suddenly stuck from behind.
Shelob: *Wraps Frodo up in web* *Eats him for supper*
Sauron: *Over takes the world and everybody dies*
And this is what really happened because Frodo sent his wonderful friend and companion Samwise Gamgee home.
Orc: *Whispering to orc beside him* See that elf fella with the long yellow hair?
Second orc: Who? That one? *Points to Haldir*
First orc: No, that one. The one standing by the short hairy little feller. *Is referring to Gimli*
Second orc: Oh, that elf. What about him?
Legolas: *Hears he is being discussed by orcs* *Thinks* He’s probably going to say how beautiful my hair is, and how it’s such a pity to kill me. Maybe they won’t kill me at all!
First orc: Look at his hair.
Legolas: *Feels very proud* I knew it!
Second orc: Oh, I see. It’s so messy! Boy, that guy is ugly!
Legolas: *Gasps* WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HAIR???!!!!! *Frantically searches pockets for hair brush* No! No, NO! I can’t have left it in Rohan! No, no NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
First orc: *Snickers*
Pippin: I am a halfling, hard, bold, and wicked!
Bergil: *Draws hidden sword* *Sticks Pippin*
Pippin: No!...I...I was just…kidding! *Dies*
Nazgul: Give up the halfling, she-elf!
Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!
Nazgul: *All start crossing river*
Arwen: *Talks to water in Elvish* *Unfortunately, it took her too long*
Nazgul: *Get across the water before Arwen is done talking to water*
Nazgul: *Evil laugh*
Arwen: Run, Asfaloth! Run!
Nazgul: You can’t get away!
Arwen: *Steals Frodo’s Ring and puts it on* *Completely forgets about Frodo*
NazguL: *Takes Frodo* *Evil laugh*
Arwen: I’m safe!
Nazgul: *Sniffs out Arwen and takes the One Ring*
Aragorn: *Is fighting orcs*
Legolas: *Comes up with Gimli: ORCS!!!!!!
Aragorn: I know that! Now get your elf-self over here and help me!
Legolas: *Grins* You made a rhyme, Aragorn!
Aragorn: I don't care! Just get over here and help me.
Legolas: But I forgot my hairbrush in Lothlorien, and my hair will get mess.
Aragorn: Look, Legolas, just come and help me. I'll let you borrow mine!
Legolas: Ewww! That's gross!
Aragorn: *Lops head off of orc* It's not as gross as blood, which I'm getting all over myself. Orc-blood and me-blood.
Legolas: You-blood isn't gross. It's inside of you.
Aragorn: *Stabs orc* It's not very pretty. Especially when it's mixed with dirt.
Legolas: There's an orc right behind you. Well I don't want any of my blood to be spilt. Red is my favorite color, but I hate it when it's mixed with black.
Aragorn: *Ducks orcs blow and jumps to side* Well, climb a tree and use you bow. You lose any of your beautiful blood, and the orcs can't mess up your perfect hair.
Legolas: Some of the orcs have bows.
Elrond: There is nothing for you here but death.
Arwen: Exactly. See? I marry Aragorn, and then I die.
Elrond: I didn't mean death for you. I meant death...like Aragorn's death. You know? Hubby-death?
Arwen: You did? Well I could become a mortal like Luthien did when Beren the Ranger died.
Elrond: I'd hate that.
Elrond: Then I would have to become a mortal.
Arwen: Oh, then we could see each other in heaven!
Elrond: *Facepalm* But then the little kid you're going to have will have to become a mortal. Oops! I didn't mean to tell you that. Erase it from your memory. Pretend I never even opened my mouth. *Is thinking:* Me and my big mouth.
Arwen: Oh, I'm going to a have a son when I marry Aragorn?
Elrond: I didn't say that. I said kid. There I go again! Forget what I said!
Arwen: Oh, hurrah! Aragorn, come marry me! If you do we're gonna have a kid!! WAHOO!!!
Aragorn: Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth!
Mouth of Sauron: *Comes out* I'm sorry, he's not available, can I take a message?
Pippin: Terrible grammar, dude.
Aragorn: Where is he?
Mouth: He's looking at someone.
Mouth: No, we've got him here. See? *Pulls out mithril coat* *Starts shaking* It makes a pretty jingly sound, doesn't it? It reminds of bells. *Starts singing and shaking coat* Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the--
Aragorn: Okay, stop that. That's horrific. Now go tell Sauron to get his Eye over here right now.
Legolas: Wow. Sir, would you like a toothbrush?
Gimli: The pain...
Merry: I feel like I should go brush my teeth...
Aragorn: *Is unimpressed* By gum.
Aragorn: Go tell Sauron.
Mouth: *Crosses arms stubbornly* Uh-uh. Not gonna do it.
Gimli: Take 'em down, Legolas!
Legolas: *Puts arrow on bow*
Gandalf: NO! Fool of an elf! Don't kill him! You'll get us all into trouble!
Aragorn: *Walks up to Mouth and knocks head off*
Gandalf: ARAGORN! Fool of a king! Now you've got us into trouble!!
Eye of Sauron: *Looks over*
Aragorn: It worked! *Gets killed by orc*
*Gandalf and the rest of them flee*
Sauron: *Since they're gone, he has no further interest in them* *Looks back at Frodo*
Fat lot of good what poor Aragorn did, poor him.