The Shortened Version of The Lord of the Rings; Part One of the Return of the King

Fiction By Aredhel Írissë // 2/16/2014

Gandalf: Okay, Theoden. Let’s go see Sarumon after we bury the dead dudes.
Theoden: You mean after y’all bury the dead dudes. I’m not doing that.
Gandalf: Lazy one.
*They bury the dead dudes*
Theoden: Okay, we’re off for Isengard!
Legolas: *Mounts horse* *Pull Gimli up behind him* Ride with me, for Isengard.
Gimli: Okay.
*They go to Isengard*
Pippin: Oh, hi! Nice to see you again! Treebeard the Ent is taking over management of Isengard.
Gimli: What are you doing smoking?
Merry: That’s what hobbits do best.
Pippin: That is, besides eating.
Gimli: I’m mad at you two. You sent us on a long, dangerous hunt and we find you here smoking.
Pippin: *Holds up pork* And eating.
Gimli: *Glowers*
Legolas: *Grins*
Gandalf: Let’s go talk to Saruman.
*They go off to his tower*
Gandalf: Hi, Treebeard!
Treebeard: Hi!
Saruman: Oh, hello. You wanna have peace with me, Theoden?
Theoden: There’ll be peace when you’re dead.
Saruman: Stupid king.
Grima: *Tries to kill Saruman*
Gimli: I think you’d better shoot him, Legolas.
Legolas: *Shoots Grima*
Grima: No fair! I wanted to…chuck…a palantir…at you! *Dies*
Saruman: *Falls off tower and…dies*
Legolas: *Looks away* Eeewww, that’s icky!
Aragorn: Sissy.
Pippin: Oh, look! Saruman dropped his palantir! *Picks palantir up*
Gandalf: Give that to me, halfing!
Pippin: Pippin’s the name.
Theoden: Okay. That was a nice little chat with Saruman. Let’s go back to Rohan now.

Sam: *Hears orcs fighting each other* *Sees orc* Oh, hi, orcy. Could you tell me how to find Frodo?
Orc: *Starts coming towards him with angry face*
Sam: Oops. Didn’t mean to make you mad. Could you at least tell me how to get to the top of the tower?
Orc: *Lunges forward*
Sam: *Cuts off orcs head* Oh well. I didn’t need you anyways. I can find him on my own.
*LATER*
Sam: *Finds Frodo* Um…hi.
Frodo: It’s about time, you big oaf.
Sam: That was nice of you.
Frodo: I’m mad right now because the orcs got my ring and now we can’t go destroy it. *Pouts*
Sam: You’re dumb. I have the Ring.
Frodo: Sam, you’re amazing. GIVE IT TO ME!!!! *Snatches Ring* Never touch my ring again. It’s mine. Now let’s go to Mordor.
Sam: We are in Mordor.
Frodo: Right! Then let’s go to Mount Doom.
Sam: Where are your clothes?
Frodo: I dunno.
Sam: Then let’s go dress up like orcs.
Frodo: Um…orcs stink really bad.
Sam: Bye. See you soon. *Goes off*
Frodo: Don’t get yourself killed!
Sam: *Comes back* Here are your clothes and orc clothes.
Frodo: Ummm….Why do I have to dress up like an orc?
Sam: Because, idiot, I think that the orcs would find it quite strange to see non-orcs wandering around. Especially if they had just found out that you had escaped.
Frodo: But we are non-orcs.
Sam: You’re dumb.
Frodo: Thanks. But I don’t think theirs any such things as short orcs.
Sam: Maybe we’re orc children.
Frodo: I thought orcs came from Elves. I didn’t know they married and had babies.
Sam: You’re hopeless.
Frodo: Thanks.
Sam: WOULD YOU JUST PUT THE THINGS ON?!?!
Frodo: Yikes. Whatever.
Sam: Thanks.
*They go*

Theoden: Okay, folks! We’re going to drink in honor of the battle that we won!!
Everyone: Hurray!
*They all drink*
Theoden: Now, it’s time to party! Pippin and Merry, you go dance around on the table and sing. Legolas, you and Gimli have a drinking contest.
Legolas: *Grabs cup* Yippee!!
Eomer: This will be interesting….
Pippin and Merry: *Stop dancing and singing and start watching drinking contest*
Theoden: I liked your singing. Keep it up.
Merry: Whatever.
Legolas: *Drinks eight cups*
Gimli: *Drinks four cups* *Passes out*
Legolas: I feel something strange. A slight tingling in my finger-tips. I think it’s taking effect. Oh, look! Gimli’s asleep! I won! *Dances around* *Passes out from having drunk too much beer*
Eomer: Well, no one can say Elves can’t drink more than a dwarf before they pass out. *Nudges Hama* Hama, help me get them to their beds. *Eyes suddenly bulge* HAMA?!?! You’re supposed to be dead! You died at Helms Deep.
Hama: *Picks up Legolas* That, my dear Eomer, was in the book.
Eomer: *Snaps fingers and facepalms* Of course! In the book! *Picks up Gimli*
Aragorn: So, does your heart tell you Frodo’s alive, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Hm, let me see. *Pauses* Okay, he’s alive.
Aragorn: That’s good. Now let’s go watch the hobbitses dance.
*After they watch the hobbitses dance*
Gandalf: Okay, night-night time, everybody!
*They all go to sleep*
Pippin: *Wakes up* Oooh, I wanna see the palantir again! *Gets up*
Merry: What are you doing, Pippin?
Pippin: Shhh. I’m looking at the palantir. *Picks up palantir* Oh, this is cool!
Uh-oh!
Palantir: IIIII seeeeee youuuu!
Pippin: Yikes!

Aragorn: *Walks outside.*
Legolas: The stars are veiled….
Aragorn: Liar. I see one right there. And another! And look, there's another! They're everywhere!
Legolas: Shut up. I wasn’t done with my awesome talking. Quit messing me up!
Aragorn: You’re a dweeb.
Legolas: You're more of a dweeb.
Aragorn: Nuh-uh.
Legolas: Something stirs in the east….
Aragorn: *Looks to the east* I don’t see anything.
Legolas: I’m not done talking. Shut up.
Aragorn: *Sticks tongue out*
Legolas: A sleepless malice…
Aragorn: That’s ominous.
Legolas: *Begins to tremble with anger* SHUT UP!!!!
Aragorn: Scariness in carnate.
Legolas: The Eye of the Enemy is moving...
Aragorn: Creepy...

Pippin: YAAA! *Is holding palantir that seems to be inwardly on fire…kind of…*

Legolas: He is here! *Runs inside with Aragorn*
Aragorn: Pippin, you fool of a Took! *Snatches palantir*
Legolas: *Doesn’t let Aragorn fall*
Gandalf: *Wakes up* *Throws blanket over palantir*
Legolas: Wow, Gandalf. You’re a sound sleeper.
Pippin: *Is unconscious*
Gandalf: Wake up, foolish hobbit!
Pippin: *Wakes up*
Gandalf: Do you know that you’re an idiot? Now what did you see?
Pippin: A burning white tree in a white courtyard.
Gandalf: Oh. What did you tell Sauron?
Pippin: Just my name.

Gandalf: Okay, he wasn’t lying. He didn’t say anything about Frodo.
Theoden: That’s good.
Gandalf: I ride for Minas Tirith. But I’m not going by myself.

Gandalf: Of all the inquisitive hobbits, you are the worst, Peregrin Took. Hurry up.
Pippin: Where are we going, Merry?
Merry: You’re going to Minas Tirith because Sauron thinks you have the Ring now.
Gandalf: *Puts Pippin on Shadowfax*
Pippin: But you’re coming aren’t you, Merry?
Merry: No.
Pippin: What’s going to happen?
Merry: You’re probably going to die.
Pippin: That’s real encouraging.
Merry: I only say encouraging things.
Pippin: How far is it to Minas Tirith, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Three days, but there’s a Nazgul riding about these parts so we might get killed before we get there.
Pippin: Merry?
Gandalf: Run, Shadowfax! Show us the meaning of fastness!
Pippin: Merry!!!!
Merry: *Goes up to tower-like thingy to watch Pippin leave*
Aragorn: Hi, short one.
Merry: It’s sad. We’ve *sniffs* never been parted like this before.
Aragorn: I know.
Merry: We even got captured by orcs together.
Aragorn: Yep.
Merry: And we always got into trouble together.
Aragorn: I don't doubt it.
Merry: You know, I would get him in the worst trouble. But I was always there to get him out of it.
Aragorn: That’s how you ended up coming with Frodo to Rivendell. You were stealing Farmer Maggots mushrooms.
Merry: I know.
Aragorn: But you haven't gotten him out of this trouble.
Merry: I didn't get him into it. He did.
Aragorn: No, not the palantir trouble. The leaving the Shire trouble.
Merry: Oh, that trouble.
Aragorn: Yeah. It was your fault--partly, at least-- that you and him are here.

*Gandalf and Pippin ride for three days*
Pippin: Are about there?! We’ve been riding for three stinkin’ days!
Gandalf: I know and yes.
*They get to Minas Tirith*
Gandalf: *Rides to the top*
Pippin: Gandalf, look. It’s the white tree I saw.
Gandalf: Yeah. Now look, don’t tell the steward anything about Boromir. Or Aragorn. Or Frodo and the Ring. Actually let me do the talking.
Pippin: *Shrugs* Okay.
Gandalf: Hail, Denethor, son of Ecthelion! I bring good news in this dark hour!
Denethor: *Looks up* My sons dead!
Gandalf: WHO TOLD YOU?!
Denethor: I found his horn! It’s broke!
Gandalf: Terrible grammar, thou Steward of Gondor. Bad boy.
Denethor: I don’t care!
Pippin: He died saving my kinsman and me. So I’ll be in your service.
Denethor: That’s great.
Faramir: *Comes in* Oh, hi. *Sees Pippin*
Gandalf: You’ve seen another hobbit.
Faramir: Yeah. Two more. They went to the stairs of Cirith Ungol.
Gandalf: That’s bad.
Faramir: I know. Hi, dad.
Denethor: Bleh. *Sticks tongue out* Go fight some orcs.
Faramir: I know you wish I was dead and Boromir wasn’t.
Denethor: No duh.
Faramir: When I come back love me, k?
Denethor: That depends on whether you’re alive or not.
Faramr: I’m insulted. *Walks off to fight orcs*
Denethor: Servants, go get me food.
Servants: *Brings food*
Denethor: *Sits down and starts eating like a slob* Can you sing, hobbit?
Pippin: A little.
Denethor: Than sing to me.
Pippin” Okay.
Home is behind. The world ahead. And there are many paths to tread. *Stops* Um, Denethor? You've got tomato juice dripping down your chin. And if you want the honest-to-goodness truth, it looks like blood. You're a slobby eater.
Denethor: Shut up. Sing to me.
Pippin: K whatever you say. *Continues* Through shadow. To the edge of night. All shall fail. All shall fade.
Like it, Steward-man? In the book Frodo and Sam and I sang it on our way to Rivendell, I believe it was.
Denethor: It was okay.