The Shortened Version of The Lord of the Rings; Part One of The Two Towers

Fiction By Aredhel Írissë // 2/11/2014

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: Part One

Frodo: *Wakes up* Gandalf!
Sam: What’s the matter now? *Is annoyed*
Frodo: I was nightmaring, that’s all.
Sam: Nightmaring?
Frodo: Well, when you’re dreaming you say you were dreaming, and when I’m nightmaring I say I’m nightmaring.
Sam: Night mares are cool.
Frodo: Nightmares give me nightmares.
Sam: Okay. Go to sleep.
Frodo: *Goes to sleep*
Gollum: My preeeecccciouuussss! *Gollum! Gollum!* *Attacks Frodo and Sam*
Frodo: No! You can’t have my Ring!
Gollum: *Jumps on Frodo*
Sam: *Yanks Gollum off*
Gollum: *Attacks Sam and tries to strangle him*
Frodo: *Draws Sting* You can’t have it. Now let my slave go.
Gollum: *Reluctantly lets go*
Sam: *Gasps for air* And I’m not your slave!
Frodo: Gollum, you’re my new slave. Show me the way to the Black Gate/
Gollum: Alright. But that’s a creepy place.
Frodo: I don’t care.
Gollum: Whatever Master says. Nice Master, nice Smeágol.
Sam: *Facepalm*

Pippin: Ugh! I’ll never want another piggy-back ride in my life! This ride is seriously bumpy! *Puts mouth on brooch trying to get it off*
Merry: Has your mom never taught you not to put brooches in your mouth? Besides, why would you want to eat your pretty brooch? The Lady Galad gave it to you.
Pippin: *Through clenched teeth* I’m leaving it for Aragorn and them to find, stupid!

Aragorn: Come on! They went this way!
Legolas: Which way?
Aragorn: This way!
Legolas: I don’t think I want to meet these orcs. I have a bad feeling fighting them will ruin my hair.
Aragorn: Shut up.
*Riders of Rohan come*
Eomer: Halt!
Aragorn: Why? We have to go find our kidnapped friends.
Eomer: Because I said.
Aragorn: Only if you give us some horsies.
Eomer: No. You’re coming with me.
Aragorn: Hu-uh. We’re good guys.
Eomer: Oh.
Aragorn: Have you seen two short little male people with a bunch of orcs?
Eomer: No, but we killed a lot of orcs back there.
Aragorn: Did you kill two short people?
Eomer: We didn’t leave any alive.
Legolas: That was stupid.
Gimli: I second that!
Legolas: That was demented.
Aragorn: Shut up. Thanks for the horses. Now let’s go bury our dear departed.
Legolas: *Sticks tongue out at Eomer*
Eomer: *Waves*

Orc camp:
Orc: Can we eat the little people?
Second orc: No, stupid. They’re not for eating.
First orc: Can we eat their legs? We haven’t had good meat in a long time.
Second orc: No, you maggot!
First Orc: How dare you insult me like that, Ugluck?!
Ugluck: Easy.
All orcs: *Start fighting*
Merry: Let’s go, Pip.
*They go into Fangorn forest*
Merry: This place is cool.
Pippin: I wonder where we are? I should have studied maps more back in Rivendell.
Merry: I told you the same thing.
Ent: What’s this?
Merry: We’re hobbits.
Pippin: Don’t talk to him!
Ent: What are you doing here, little orcs?
Merry: We’re not orcs.
Pippin: Rhaich! Harthon in enyd gen medir!
Merry: What did you say?
Pippin: I was talking in Elvish.
Merry: What did you say?
Pippin: You don’t want to know.
Merry: TELL ME.
Pippin: *Hangs head* I said ‘curses. May the Ents eat you.’
Merry: That was sick.
Ent: Hoom-hum, I do believe I’ve been left out of the conversation. We Ents don't eat...hobbits, whatever they are. We don't eat at all, for that matter. Now, tell me, what are hobbits?
Merry: Short little people with hairy feet.
Pippin: Will you help us go to Isengard and ruin it?
Ent: Okay, if I can get the other Ents to help. I hate Saruman. By the way I’m Treebeard.

*Rohan*
Eowyn: Your son’s dead, Uncle.
Theoden: I don’t have a son.
Eowyn: You’re scaring me. You do too.
Theoden: I do not. You just said he was dead.
Eowyn: Okay…
Grima: Leave him alone. He’s tired and sick of being bothered.
Eomer: I’m gonna kill you!
Grima: *To guards* Don’t let him come in here ever again.

Aragorn: Oh, look, they’re alive. They went into Fangorn.
Gimli: I’m afraid of that place.
Legolas: Get over here, you Tom-foolery of a dwarf!
Gimli: That’s Gandalf’s line to Pippin.
Legolas: Pippin isn’t a dwarf. He’s a hobbit.
Gimli: So?
Legolas: Dol gin lost.
Gimli: What?
Aragorn: He was insulting you in Elvish.
Gimli: Oh. What did you say?
Legolas: Not saying.
Aragorn: Oh, look! It’s Saruman! Kill him!
Gandalf: I’m not Saruman, you idiot.
Aragorn: Gandalf!
Gandalf: *Whistles* Get over here, Shadowfax!
*White horse comes*
Gandalf: Okay, let’s go see the king of Rohan.
*They ride off*

Eowyn: *Is sobbing over dead cousins body*
Grima: *Comes in* Hi.
Eowyn: Get away from me, you snake!
Grima: I'm insulted! I shall never speak to you again!
Eowyn: Shut up! *Runs outside* *Sees three people coming up*

Aragorn: Hi, Hama. Long time no see.
Hama: We've never met before.
Aragorn: It's been that long? Let us in to see the King.
Hama: You can’t go in with weapons.
Aragorn: *Gives sword*
Legolas: *Glares and hands over bow*
Hama: And your knives as well, young man!
Legolas: *Glowers* I’m thousands of years old.
Hama: Then hand over your knives too, old man.
Legolas: *Reluctantly hands over knives*
Gimli: *Gives axe*
Hama: You too, Gandalf.
Gandalf: This is my walking stick, stupid. I’d fall over without it.
Hama: Okay.
Legolas: *Walks in, ‘supporting’ Gandalf by the arm*
Aragorn: *Whispers to Legolas* Little con-artists.
Legolas: I’m thousands of years older than you. Shut up.
Gandalf: Hi, Theoden king! You don’t look too nice when you’re old. I’m going to make you normal again. *Starts making Theoden younger*
Grima: You were supposed to take his staff.
Theoden: Oh, cool. I’m normal. Hi, Eowyn.
Eowyn: Your kids dead. He got attacked by orcs.
Theoden: That’s sad. I’m gonna kill Grima. *Tries to kill Grima*
Aragorn: Don’t kill him.
Theoden: Whatever.
Grima: *Rides off*
Gandalf: Now let’s get ready to fight some orc.
Theoden: Hu-uh. We’re going to Helms Deep.
Gandalf: *Mutters* Dummy.
Theoden: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!
Gandalf: Nothing.
*They start going to Helms Deep* *They get attacked by orcs*
Theoden: Eowyn, go take the gals and kids to Helms Deep. We’ll catch up later.
Eowyn: *Whines* I want to stay and fight, Uncle!
Theoden: No. Go.
Eowyn: *Goes*
Legolas: *Kills orc* A scout!
Aragorn: No kidding…
*They do lots of fighting*
Gimli: *Gets buried underneath orcs and orcs wolves*
Aragorn: *Falls off cliff with orc*
Legolas: No isn’t that sweet? They died together!
Gandalf: You’ve got problems, son.
Legolas: Hannon le.
Gandalf: That was not a compliment.
Legolas: *Goes over to dying orc* Give me Aragorns necklace.
Orc: K fine. *Hands over necklace*
Theoden: Let’s go, peoples.
*They go to Helms Deep*
Eowyn: What happened to my truelo— I mean what happened to Aragorn?
Legolas: He’s dead.
Eowyn: *Weeps*
Legolas: Quit that, crybaby.

Aragorn: Hi, Legolas! *Grins and waves*
Legolas: Le abdollen. You look terrible.
Aragorn: Thanks a lot.
Legolas: No problem. Go say hi to Theoden.
Aragorn: Okay. *Goes and says hi to Theoden*
Theoden: Okay, all you little boys and big guys let’s fight some orc!
*They all get ready to fight some orc*
Legolas: Aragorn, nedin dagor hen u-erir ortheri. Natha daged dhaer
Aragorn: You have no trust in them.
Legolas: They are not skilled swordsmen.
Aragorn: Quit that. You're going to discourage them.
Legolas: I was talking in Elvish. They had no idea what I said until I said they weren't skilled swordsmen.
Aragorn: Of course!
*They are now waiting for the orcs to come so they can fight*
*Horn blows*
Legolas: That ain’t not orc horn!
Aragorn: Okay.
Legolas: *Goes to see what it is, with Legolas coming behind him*
Aragorn: Oh, it’s Haldir! Mae g’ovannen, Haldir! *Huggles*
Haldir: We’re gonna help you guys fight. We’re proud to do it.
Aragorn: Cool. Let’s go.
*They all run back up to fight the orcs*
Aragorn: Get ready! Fire!
*All the Elves fire*
Legolas: Let’s have fighting contest, Gimli. Whoever kills the most orcs wins.
Gimli: Fun.
Legolas: Begin!

Haldir: *Dies*

*LATER*
Gimli: Two!
Legolas: I’m on seventeen!
Gimli: I’ll have no pointy-eared elf outscoring me!
Legolas: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT?!?!
Gimli: It’s true…
Legolas: *Indignant* I’m ashamed of my pointy ears!
Gimli: Oh. Sorry.
Legolas: I forgive you.

Legolas: *Slides down stairs on shield and shoots orcs*
Aragorn: *Mutters* Show-off.
*They finally finish their battle*
Legolas: How many did you kill, Gimli?
Gimli: Forty-two.
Legolas: I killed fifty-three!
Gimli: No t fair! In the book I won!
Legolas: Goodness, boy! *Headsheilds* How many times do you people have to be told this isn’t the book!
Gimli: I’m a dwarf.
Legolas:...