The Shortened Version of The Lord of the Rings; Part Two of the Return of the King
Gandalf: Denethor, the orcs are going to attack Minas Tirith.
Gandalf: They’re at your doorstep.
Denethor: THEY ARE?! *Starts shouting commands to servants*
Gandalf: I didn’t mean that close, silly.
Denethor: *Calms down* Oh. You think you are wise, Mithrandir, but for all you subtleties you have not wisdom.
Gandalf: That is seriously offensive, young man.
Denethor: I don’t care.
Gandalf: Rohan will help. I’ll go light the beacon.
Gandalf: You are a stuck-up obstinate prig, Denethor, Steward of Gondor. You are stupid.
Denethor: Go away.
Gandalf: *Goes away with Pippin* Pippin, go light the beacon.
Pippin: I thought Denethor said not to.
Gandalf: Denethor is stupid. Or, to put it a little bit more nicely, he’s a little crazy in the head.
Pippin: Of course. Then I go to light the beacon! *Goes and lights the beacon*
Aragorn: *Runs inside yelling like a madman* THE BEACONS ARE LIT! THE BEACONS ARE LIT! Gondor needs help!
*All eyes turn on Theoden*
Theoden: K, whatever. We’ll help.
Aragorn: Okay. We’ll need some help. I’ll go to the paths of the dead and get the dead men to come fulfill their oaths. Legolas, you and Gimli are coming too.
Legolas: *Jumps three feet into air* WAHOOO!
Theoden: *Mutters* He so immature.
Elrohir: What about Elladen and the other Rangers and me?
Peter Jackson: What about you?
Elrohir: We’re supposed to come, too.
PJ: In the book, yeah. *Throws Elladen, Elrohir and the rangers out door* *Locks door*
Eladen: *Bangs on door* Let us in! This isn’t fair! We’re supposed to come! Let us in!
PJ: Shut up. You’re being to loud. We can’t film in here.
Elrond: Oh, here’s Anduril. We forged it just for you. The dead will answer to the King of Gondor. G’bye! *Goes to Rivendell*
Merry: Can I go fight in Gondor with you, Theoden?
Theoden: No. You’re too fat and none of my riders can bear you.
Merry: Boo. *Stands there and watches as riders go by on their way to Minas Tirith* *Is picked up and put on horse by unknown person from behind*
Eowyn: Ride with me!
Merry: Oh, cool! Eowyn!
Eowyn: Yeah. Now please don’t yell my name. I’m not supposed to be here.
Faramir: *Is being dragged around by horse because his foot is caught in stirrup* *Is unconscious*
Faramir: *Has arrow stuck in him*
Pippin: No fear. He ain’t dead.
Denethor: Is too! *Cries* My line has ended! I’ll just kill myself! *Tells servants to go get pyre set up*
Pippin: Um…Denethor….you’re acting strange.
Denethor: I don’t care. *Goes off*
Denethor: We will burn like the heathen kings of old.
Pippin: Wait, what? What are you talking about?
Servants: *Put Faramir on top of pyre*
Pippin: YOU CAN’T DO THAT! YOU’LL KILL HIM!
Denethor: He’s already killed. *Climbs onto pyre and starts pouring oil on son and self*
Pippin: Don’t do that! You’re gonna get yourself killed!
Denethor: That’s the plan.
Pippin: *Runs off to find Gandalf* Gandalf! GANDALF!
Gandalf: *Is fighting orcs who are attacking Minas Tirith*
Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor’s gone mad! He’s trying to burn himself and Faramir!
Gandalf: *Pulls Pippin onto Shadowfax* Let’s go!
Gandalf: *Barges through door* STAY THIS MADNESS!
Pippin: Uh-oh! Denethor’s already set it on fire! *Jumps onto pyre and pushes Faramir off*
Denethor: DON’T TAKE MY SON FROM ME!
Gandalf: You’re an idiot. Now get off that pyre this minute before you kill yourself. Your son isn’t dead.
Faramir: *Opens eyes*
Denethor: He’s not dead! *Runs out, fire on him, and jumps off of Minas Tirith*
Orc: Uhh…what’s this new catapult?
Sceond orc: *Scratches head* I dunno. It’s a catapult that’s on fire. This is bad. I hope they don’t have many more of these things.
Legolas: *Tells Gimli long creepy ghost story about the dead men of the mountains*
Gimli: You’re scaring me. I was always afraid of ghost stories as a child… I may have night mares tonight.
Legolas: If you even live to see ‘tonight’.
Gimli: You’re scaring me.
Aragorn: Okay, here we are. We go through here…and we meet the dead folks!
Legolas: The way is shut. It was made by the dead. And the dead keep it.
Legolas: I’m going! I don’t fear death!
Gimli: YIKES! K fine. I’ll go in.
Dead man: Hi.
Dead man: The way is shut. It was made by the dead. And the dead keep it.
Aragorn: That’s creepy. Legolas said the exact same thing a few minutes ago.
Legolas: You big dummy. That’s because it’s just…how it is.
Aragorn: Oh. Well I’m Isildur’s heir, and I have Anduril. Forged from the shards of Narsil.
Dead man: Don’t believe it.
Aragorn: Well, I’m the king of Gondor, and I want you to come and fulfill you oaths and fight for us. If you do I promise you can go and rest in peace.
Dead man: *Doesn’t answer* *Clashes sword with Aragorns* Hu, what do you know? He’s tellin’ the truth!
Aragorn: What say you?
Dead man: *Doesn’t answer*
Aragorn: WHAT SAY YOU????
Legolas: Oh well. Let’s go.
*They go* *Skulls start chasing them*
Legolas: Eeek! This is disgusting!
*They get out*
Legolas: Boy, will I ever need a bath! And my hair has to be a wreck!
Dead people: *Appear* Hi. We decided to come.
Aragorn: Oh. I was about to start crying.
Gondorians: ROHAN IS COMING TO HELP!!!!! HURRAH!!!
*Every one gets ready to fight*
Theoden: *Gives little speech* DEATH!! DEATH!!! DEATTHHHHH!!!!!!!!
*They all charge*
Eowyn: Whatever happens, stay with me, Merry. There’s an oliphaunt. Let’s go kill it. Turn where I tell you or we may get trampled.
Eowyn: *Kills oliphaunt* Like a boss!
Theoden: Uh-oh! It’s coming for me! *Trys to avoid Nazgul*
Nazgul: *Knocks Theoden off horse*
Snowmane: *Is on top of Theoden*
Nazgul: Okay, eat him.
Eowyn: I will kill you if you touch him!
Nazgul: Do not come between the Nazgul and his prey.
Eowyn: Do not come between the shieldmaiden and her Uncle.
Nazguls birdie: *Lunges at Eowyn*
Eowyn: *Cuts birdie’s head off*
Nazgul: *Gets off birdie* *Tries to kill Eowyn with mace*
Eowyn: *Jumps aside*
Nazgul: *Shatters Eowyns shield*
Eowyn: *Falls on top of Snowmane* You broke my arm!
Nazgul: *Picks Eowyn up by chin* You fool. No man can kill me. Die now!
Merry: *Whacks Nazgul from behind* MY ARM! *Falls backwards in pain*
Eowyn: *Stands up and takes helmut off* I am not man. YAAA! *Sticks sword into Nazgul’s helm*
Eowyn: My other arm! It hurts now! *Crawls over to Theoden* I’m going to save you!
Theoden: You have saved me.
Eowyn: *Sighs in relief* That makes me feel better. I didn’t really think I could do it.
Orc: Late as ever, pirate scum!
Aragorn: *Jumps out of ship with Legolas and Gimli*
Orcs: *Are amazed*
Dead People: *Come off ship also* *Kill many orcs*
Aragorn: Okay. You helped us win this battle. Your oaths are fulfilled. Go rest in peace.
Pippin: Hi, Merry! I’m gonna make you all better!
Merry: That’s good. I’ve probably broken my arm.
Pippin: That’s not good.
Aragorn: *Is talking to Gandalf* Draw out Saurons armies. Empty his lands. Then we gather our full strength and march on the Black Gate.
Eomer: We cannot achieve victory through strength of arms.
Aragorn: Not for ourselves. But we can give Frodo a chance if Saurons eye is looking at us. Keep him blind to all else that moves.
Legolas: *Puts chin in hand as if in deep thought* *Suddenly yells* I’VE GOT IT! A DIVERSION!
Aragorn: Nice going! I knew you could get, Prince of Stating the Obvious!
Frodo: Okay, we’re on Mount Doom. Now we just gotta get to the top.
Saurons Eye: *Looks at Frodo*
Sam: *Jumps down* FRODO!
Frodo: *Dramatically falls down in slow motion*
Sam: That was corny.
Frodo: I don’t care.
Sam: Oh, look! Sauron isn’t looking at us anymore! I wonder what diverted his attention?
Frodo: I dunno.
Sam: Do you remember the Shire?
Frodo: No. I think this terrible quest has given me amnesia.
Sam: Quests don’t give you amnesia.
Frodo: Well this one has.
Sam: I can’t carry the ring, but I’ll carry you. *Picks up Frodo*
Gollum: *Knocks Frodo off Sam*
Sam: Not Gollum! What are you doing here?
Frodo: *Runs off to the top of Mount Doom*
Sam: *Makes Gollum go away* FRODO!
Frodo: I’m in here!
Sam: *Goes up to Frodo* Throw it in.
Frodo: *Turns around* Nope. Changed my mind. The Ring’s mine.
Sam: If you don't, then gen hedithon min noer Orodruin!
Frodo: Just try! *Puts Ring on*
Sam: NOOO! *Is clonked from behind*
Gollum: *Jumps on invisible Frodo’s back* *Giant crunch..and Frodo’s visible*
Frodo: *Is missing finger*
Gollum: *Takes ring off of finger he just bit off*
Frodo: *Is very angry* *Tries to get Ring* *Ends up falling off of Mount Doom with Gollum*
Sam: *Runs over*
Frodo: *Is hanging onto side of cliff*
Sam: REACH! *Helps Frodo up* *They run out, lava hot on their tails (pun totallyintended)*
Sauron: *Is being destroyed*
Aragorn: See? It worked! All we had to do was get Sauron to look at us, and now Frodo destroyed the Ring!
Merry: Frodo! FRODO!!! *Stops cheering* Uh-oh! He must be dead!
Frodo: I’m glad you’re with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam.
Sam: More like the end of us. We just save the world.
Frodo: Oh yes. *Gets picked up by eagle* I’ve never had a better ride *Falls asleep* *Wakes up Minas Tirith*
Pippin & Merry: *Jump on bed and huggle Frodo*
Frodo: GANDALF! You’re supposed to be dead.
Gandalf: I had a parachute.
Aragorn: *Gets crowned*
Arwen: *Comes up, hiding behind flag thing*
Aragorn: Do not be shy, dearest. Come out and face the people.
Arwen: *Timidly looks out from hiding place*
Aragorn: *Marries Arwen* Okay, everyone bow to the hobbitses!
Frodo: Let’s go home. I miss the Shire. *They go home*
Sam: Marries Rosie Cotton*
*Later they go to say bye to Bilbo as he goes to Valinor*
Gandalf: Okay, come on, Frodo.
Sam: What does he want you for?
Frodo: I’m going to. My shoulder never really healed. We set out to save the Shire, and it has been saved. But not for me. *Huggles Pippin and Merry and Sam* Goodbye! *Goes to Valinor*