The Shortened Version of The Lord of the Rings; Part Two of The Two Towers

Fiction By Aredhel Írissë // 2/12/2014

Gollum: Okay, Master, we’re on our way to the creepy Dead Marshes!!!
Frodo: That sounds ominous…
Gollum: It’s because it is, Precious.
Frodo: I see.

*Dead Marshes*

Sam: Their’s a bunch of creepy dead faces in the water….
Gollum: Yeah, those are dead orcs and elves and men. They had a big battle a long time ago.
Frodo: I thought they looked pretty cool myself. *Walks over to edge of water and dives in*
Sam: Mr Frodo!
Gollum: *Pulls Frodo out* That was stupid, Precious.
Frodo: Thanks a lot.

*They get out of the Dead Marshes*

Gollum: We’re almost to the black gate!!!
Frodo: It’s about time.

*They come to the Black Gate*

Sam: Oh, look. Their’s a bunch of men coming out. Maybe they’ll help us fight the orcs so we can get in easier! *Jumps down hill*
Gollum: No!!! They’re evil men!
Frodo: Uh-oh! *Runs down hill after Sam* *Puts cloak over each other* *Cloak looks like rock*
Sam: Oh, this is cool. Now I can tell my folks back home I hid underneath a rock.
Frodo: Shut up. You’re stupid.
Sam: Thanks.
Frodo: I've got a new name for you. Samdense.
Sam: *Pouts*
*Evil men pass*
Frodo: *Goes back up hill with Sam* Well, looks like we’ll have to go through that way.
Gollum: No, don’t. Smeágol knows a better way. A secret way.
Frodo: Smeágol is stupid for not telling us so before, yes, Precious. Now take us there.
Gollum: Whatever Master says.
*They walk a long way and then go to sleep*

*That night*

Gollum: *Is having a conversation with Smeágol* Let’s kill the hobbitses and take the Ring back for us.
Smeágol: Okay. We’ll take them to see her.
Sam: *Wakes up* I heard that! *Tries to kill Gollum*
Frodo: *Wakes up* Sam, please don’t kill Smeágol. Let’s go.

*They go a long way and then go to sleep again*

Frodo: *Wakes up to find Gollum on his lap with rabbits in his mouth*
Gollum: Look what Smeágol brought! *Dances around* Yummy bunny-rabbits! Eat them! *Takes bite out of one*
Sam: You stupid thing. You’ll get sick eating them raw. I’m going to cook them into stew.
Gollum: Not nice hobbit, not sensible.
Sam: Shut up.

Sam: *Makes rabbit stew and they all it except Gollum eat it*

Frodo: *Goes off*
Sam: *Comes along with Gollum*
*They stop at the foot of a hill*
Sam: Look, it’s oliphaunts! So the tales are true! *Dances around with glee*
Frodo: Quit being dumb. They’re evil.
*Oliphaunts and evil men riding them start getting shot*
Frodo: This is weird…
Sam: I think we should go.
Frodo: Yeah. *Turns around* *Is picked up by creepy man with bandana on face* Um…hi. This indeed is a strange way to meet.
Creepy man: Yeah. You’re my prisoner now.
Sam: *Draws sword* *Gets picked up too*
Frodo: Oh, you must be one of those evil men that got killed.
Creepy man: No, we’re good guys.
Frodo: Liar. Good guys don’t kidnap short little hobbits.
Creepy man: We’re not kidnapping you, we’re taking you prisoners.
Frodo: We’re not kids, we’re halflings. Hard, bold, and wicked! *Grits teeth and attempts to growl fiercely at Creepy man*
Creepy man: *Is unimpressed*
Sam: That’s Pippin’s line.
Creepy man: Alright, then we’re not halflingnapping you, we’re taking you prisoners.
Frodo: Now that’s better. My name is Frodo Baggins, and this is my good friend and slave, Samwise Gamgee.
Sam: *Through gritted teeth mutters* Servant.
Creepy man: Nice to meet you. I’m Faramir, Captain of Gondor.
Frodo: Cool.
Faramir: Where’s the ugly hobbit?
Sam: Me?
Faramir: No, the one that was crawling around with you.
Frodo: We’re the only ones…
Faramir: Humph. Okay, men. Let’s go, but blindfold these two. I don't want them seeing the way to our secret little hideout :D
Frodo: I don’t mind. I was blindfolded when we went to Lorien.
Faramir: That was in the book.
Frodo: My mistake.

*They walk a while and then go into big cave thingy*

Faramir: Okay, you can take their blindfolds off.
Man: *Starts to take Frodo’s blindfold off*
Frodo: *Slaps mans hand and does it himself*

*Everyone except Faramir leave*

Faramir: That circle around your neck is intriguing. Not to mention pretty…I want it! I’m taking it to my dad!

Frodo: NOOO! *Runs off*

Sam: It will make you go nutty just like your big brother, you big dum-dum.

Faramir: I’m taking it to Minas Tirith.

Sam: No you don’t!

Faramir: Try and stop me. *Laughs evilly*

*They all go to sleep*

Frodo: *Is woken up by Faramir*
Faramir: Come with me.
Sam: *Wakes up and follows behind*
Faramir: *Takes Frodo to pool* That’s the forbidden pool, see? And a creepy little thing is down there. Anyone that goes down there dies.
Frodo: *Looks down and sees Gollum fishing*
Faramir: So we’re going to shoot this creepy thing.
Frodo: *Looks around and sees men with arrows pointed at Gollum*
Faramir: Shall they shoot?
Frodo: NO! That’s my guide. Don’t kill him. Lemme go down to him.
Faramir: You’re not a bad liar. You told me there wasn’t another with you. Fine, go down. But wait! I forgot to tell you, Boromir my brother is dead.
Frodo: That’s really sad. *Goes down to Gollum* Gollum, come to Master or you’ll get killed.
Gollum: *Comes*
Men: *Pick Gollum up and tie him up*
Frodo: *Glares* *Shrieks* Gollum’s gonna hate me now!!!
Faramir: *Shrugs* Sorry.

*Next morning*

Faramir: Okay, you people can go now.
Frodo: Hobbits.
Faramir: And you can take your skulking friend with you.
Frodo: Guide.
Faramir: As long as he isn’t seen without his hobbit friend.
Frodo: Master.
Faramir: Now go.

*They go*

Gollum: *Takes them to the stairs of Cirith Ungol*
Frodo: Um, do we have to climb all these stairs???
Gollum: Yup.
Frodo: Okay. Let’s go.

*They climb and then go to sleep*

Gollum: I’ll show the nasty hobbit! *Takes lembas bread and puts on Sam’s cloak* *Throws extra bread down the stairs*
Sam: *Wakes up* Sneaking around are you?
Gollum: Yeah.
Frodo: *Wakes up* Let’s eat.
Sam: *Goes to get lembas bread* Our breads gone.
Gollum: He ate it! Look, he’s got crumbs on his cloak!
Frodo: Wow, Sam. You’re a messy eater.
Sam: I did so not!
Frodo: Did to. Now go home.
Sam: Boooo!!!! *Cries* *Starts going down stairs*
Gollum: Come here, Master. *Takes him to Shelobs Lair*
Frodo: Do we seriously have to go in there?
Gollum: Of course, if Master wants to get to Mordor.
Frodo: *Follows Gollum in* Um, Smeágol, there are bones and sticky stuff in here. I don’t think I like it. I’m going. Ta-ta!
Gollum: *Is out of sight* *Doesn’t answer*
Frodo: *Shrieks* Smeágol? Smeágol! *Starts running* *Falls* It’s dark in here! I’ve got to get my flashlight! *Gets out flashlight given by Galadriel* Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!
*Flashlight turns on*
Frodo: *Pats flashlight* Good ol’ flashlight.
*Giant spider comes up*
Frodo: Uh-oh! *Runs*
Spider: *Chases Frodo*
Frodo: *Turns around and shines flashlight in Spiders eyes* *Runs* *Gets caught in giants spiderweb*
Gollum: Naughty little fly, why does it cry? Caught in a web? You’ll soon be eaten! :D
Frodo: *Is very mad at Smeagol* *Gets himself unstuck* *Chases after Gollum* *Finds way out of lair too small for Shelob to get through* Gollum! *Starts strangling Gollum*
Gollum: No! No, it was the Ring! Smeágol didn’t mean to.
Frodo: Whatever. I’ve got to destroy the Ring, Gollum. For both of us.
Gollum: *Gets angry and attacks Frodo*
Frodo: *Flings Gollum down the stairs*

Sam: *Finds lembas bread that Gollum threw down the stairs* Oh. So I didn’t eat it after all! *Starts going back up stairs*

Frodo: *Is walking and hears noise* *Turns around* Nothing. Oh well. I wish I hadn’t made my slave go home. *Gets stabbed from behind* *Is unconscious*
Shelob: *Wraps him up in spiderweb*
Sam: I’m here, you ugly old oaf!
Shelob: *Attacks Sam*
Sam: *Fights Shelob* *Finally gets her to go away* Mr Frodo! *Runs over to Frodo and unwraps him* Um, Mr Frodo? You are really white. Are you sure you’re okay?
Frodo: *Doesn’t answer*
Sam: Mr Frodo? *Wails* He’s dead!
Sting: *Glows*
Sam: Orcs! *Hides*
Orc: Oh, looky here. Looks like Shelob’s about to have meal. Let’s kidnap him.
Second orc: But he’s dead.
First orc: You dummy. Shelob doesn’t eat dead stuff. This shorty’s alive.
Sam: *Thinking* Sam, you’re an idiot.
*Orcs carry Frodo off*
Sam: *Follows*
*They go up tower*
Orcs: *Are looking through Frodo’s things*
Orc: Gimme that shiny coat!
Second orc: It’s mine!
Orcs: *Get in big fight*

Sam: *Is coming up tower stairs* *Kills three orcs* Those were for Frodo and the Shire and old Gaffer!