Whirlwinds, Part 1

Fiction By Jackie West // 7/10/2012

“Tai Cody flipped off her headphones. “What?” she asked in an annoyed voice.
“Sorry,” her twin Rex said as he came up, “but there's a problem. A big one. Two, actually.”
“I haven't slept in a week, Rex. Don't start talking about problems.”
Rex ignored her and perched on her desk.
“Kerry ran off.”
“No,” Tai looked up. “She deserted?”
“Not exactly,” Rex said. “She went to look for her twin brother. He was kidnapped when they were babies. She found out about a month before America fell down the drain and finally decided to strike out on her own and find him.”
“What a doofus,” Tai muttered. “What else?”
“There's a spy in here somewhere.”
“There's always a spy when the good guys fight the bad guys,” Tai sighed. “How'd you find out?”
“He gave that fact away. The Mafia have been on our tail and trumping all the plans we try to carry out. They're obviously well-informed.”
“And how do you plan to catch this spy?” Tai asked.
“That's why I came and talked to you. You're an FBI agent.”
Tai glared at him, the temptation to strangle him growing. “Was. Was an FBI agent. And I can't. As I said before, I haven't slept in a week. You work to find the spy. Leave me alone -or I'll strangle you.”
Rex's eyes blinked and widened, but he nodded. “Will do. I'll get started right away.”
And he hurried off before the said strangling took place.

Tristan Mace looked up as Rex cracked open the dorm door.
“How are you feeling?” Rex asked.
Tristan flexed his new hand, wincing slightly. “Better.”
Rex sighed. “It's been rough, hasn't it?”
Tristan nodded. “It was only the resolve to help take back my country that kept me alive.
Rex nodded. “I know what you mean.” He clenched his fist. “I don't understand why they would want our country. We’re not the most desirable place to take over in this universe; our economy is even worse now than it was before they took over.”
Tristan nodded in agreement. “And the resistance is being held together by threads.”
Rex shook his head. “Well, I'd better get going before Tai blows her top. She's dumping our problems on me now.”
“She hasn't slept in a week. Don't get too sour.” Tristan held up his hand. “Learn to live with it. She's going to be your sister for a long time.”
Rex nodded and started to leave, but then Tristan spoke again.
“One more thing, Rex.”
Tristan grinned. “Make sure Tai gets a good rest soon.”

Kerry carefully pushed through the prickly underbrush. Stifling a yelp as a particularly large thorn jabbed her leg, she went on, determined to finish her mission without being caught.
Now, where's that tree he mentioned? I'm sure it was somewhere around -
Kerry squealed in surprise and jumped. “Colin?”
And older teenager stepped out from behind a nearby tree. Pushing long black hair out of his face, he said, “You're late.”
Kerry sighed. “I did my best, Colin. Tai didn't leave me alone 'til an hour ago. That's when I left.”
Colin shook his head. “If your brother is so important to you, you need to keep your appointments. Let’s get going.” He set off at a brisk pace, and it took much of Kerry’s energy to keep up with him.
“How are we going to get to my brother?” she asked.
“I managed to arrange a ride for us,” Colin said. “By car.”
Kerry’s eyes widened. She hadn’t seen a car since hitch-hiking the year before with Jess Brady. “Really?” she asked.
Colin nodded. “Really.”
“Do I know the driver, by any stretch of the imagination?” Kerry lifted a canteen of water to her lips.
“You might. He goes by the name-Justin.”
Kerry choked, splattering the water everywhere. She wiped her mouth. “My brother? But I thought he was dead!”
“You thought he was,” Colin corrected. He was silent for a moment. “You might find him a bit different, though.”
“You’ll see.”



Your sentences are descriptive enough to envision a scene into my mind. :)

One nit-pick: I don't think that Kerry was surprised enough when Colin mentioned her brother's name. There are many Justins in the world and I don't think it is realistic for her to just assume it is her brother.

That's all; keep writing!! :)

Lucy Anne | Fri, 07/13/2012

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

i think the surprise was reasonable

probably the way Colin mentioned it was enough to let Kerry know what he meant.

The story looks good so far but seems rushed or unplanned. Other than that it's great

Aalen Fideli | Wed, 08/22/2012

Music I created


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