The Concise Handbook on Fine Cuisine; A Discourse on the Seemingly Universal and Collective Abhorrence of Fine Foods held Superior and Sacred by the Connoisseur

An Essay By Johanna // 6/8/2013
NOTE
Due to the factors of delicacy and poise which I am obligated to maintain during the course of writing this book, I have found that it is of the utmost necessity that I include footnotes, so that the Reader may be enlightened as to some of the more vague facts and details which I consider highly difficult to insert effectively into the otherwise efficient scheme of this book; and though I am aware that this shall not be without consequences for myself (for it is a well-known fact that nearly every person who reads a book will, at least for the first reading, skip over all footnotes), I strongly urge and implore you to read my humble little footnotes, that you may more readily be able to follow the complex, yet absolutely indispensable classic which I have so painstakingly authored.


Chapter I
In Which the Present Condition of Cuisine is Deplored

As the finest and most superb connoisseur of fine and exquisite French fare,1 I have found, to my utter desolation and disbelief,2 that I must regretfully, remorsefully, and quite ashamedly be resigned to this fact: that the entire population of our prodigious and magnificent country3 refuses adamantly and ubiquitously to submit to the nourishing, excruciatingly scintillating experience, nay blissful ecstasy of savoring the inestimable entrées, such as the escargot.4
After reading such a narrative as the one which I am as of now writing, you, my dear Reader, may find it possible in your own humble opinion, that I am the sort of person who adores my own self, and am subjected to a certain pomposity and pretentiousness, considering myself to be of a much higher order than ordinary or lower human beings; but stay your mouth in uttering such criticisms until you have given attention to my reasons, which I will now point out to you in great detail, not even forgoing the painful tale of my humble birth (at the expense of my modest pride, which every man is entitled to have at least a minute portion).

Comments

You've been reading Dickens

You've been reading Dickens lately, haven't you? : )

It's so much fun to write like this - and to read it!

Hannah D. | Wed, 06/12/2013

"Reason itself is a matter of faith. It is an act of faith to assert that our thoughts have any relation to reality at all." - G. K. Chesterton

:D

Hahaha! I love the voice you used here. Spot on, old chap! :)
Just curious, do you intend to expand this further, or was this one chapter just for fun?
P.S. This reminded me of some of the hares in the Redwall books. ;)

Kayleen | Sat, 06/15/2013

"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." -- Herman Melville
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." -- Anton Chekhov

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your comments :) I actually haven't really been reading anything (other than school-books) or even writing much over the last six months. This piece is from last summer - I don't remember what exactly inspired me to write it, but I know it was a whole lot of fun, and I laughed a lot during the process :)

As for continuing on, I'm not sure if I will. I don't know if I could come up with enough new material for more chapters. Still, I might, if I think up anything.

Johanna | Sun, 06/16/2013

"Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of."
- Charles Spurgeon

Creative!

This is SO super awesome! A little bit hard of a read, only because every three words was a footnote, but it was very enjoyable. Your wording is fabulous! I hope to read more soon :D

Kassady | Mon, 06/17/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

I'm sorry if my mind is not

I'm sorry if my mind is not creative enough, but I just can't imagine you writing this Johanna.

What did I think of when reading this? I imagined that this...character was talking about the foods that can be found in that recipe book that you gave me several Christmases ago. :P

Arthur | Sun, 06/30/2013

"My greatest wish for my writing is that it would point you to the Savior."

Love it

Well I had written a really long comment with this elevated language and my computer somehow deleted it... :P

Write on Johanna!

Dan | Mon, 07/01/2013

The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination - Albert Einstein