The Concise Handbook on Fine Cuisine; A Discourse on the Seemingly Universal and Collective Abhorrence of Fine Foods held Superior and Sacred by the Connoisseur
An Essay By Johanna // 6/8/2013
Due to the factors of delicacy and poise which I am obligated to maintain during the course of writing this book, I have found that it is of the utmost necessity that I include footnotes, so that the Reader may be enlightened as to some of the more vague facts and details which I consider highly difficult to insert effectively into the otherwise efficient scheme of this book; and though I am aware that this shall not be without consequences for myself (for it is a well-known fact that nearly every person who reads a book will, at least for the first reading, skip over all footnotes), I strongly urge and implore you to read my humble little footnotes, that you may more readily be able to follow the complex, yet absolutely indispensable classic which I have so painstakingly authored.
In Which the Present Condition of Cuisine is Deplored
As the finest and most superb connoisseur of fine and exquisite French fare,1 I have found, to my utter desolation and disbelief,2 that I must regretfully, remorsefully, and quite ashamedly be resigned to this fact: that the entire population of our prodigious and magnificent country3 refuses adamantly and ubiquitously to submit to the nourishing, excruciatingly scintillating experience, nay blissful ecstasy of savoring the inestimable entrées, such as the escargot.4
After reading such a narrative as the one which I am as of now writing, you, my dear Reader, may find it possible in your own humble opinion, that I am the sort of person who adores my own self, and am subjected to a certain pomposity and pretentiousness, considering myself to be of a much higher order than ordinary or lower human beings; but stay your mouth in uttering such criticisms until you have given attention to my reasons, which I will now point out to you in great detail, not even forgoing the painful tale of my humble birth (at the expense of my modest pride, which every man is entitled to have at least a minute portion).