Advice in Memories~Liquid Form (34)
Advice in Memories
Memories brought back to life,
Told with a grin on my face and an ache in my heart,
Something tells me I shouldn't be enjoying this,
Shouldn't find pleasure in bringing back these memories.
I remember it all so clear.
Telling it in a jumbled mess,
It's hard to explain feelings that I couldn't contain at the time,
Hard to believe I felt that way about you,
Hard to believe I can feel that way about somebody else.
I try to shed light into the details,
Try to show the delight in kisses,
But the difficulty in constant worrying and wondering,
The dangerous territory that comes with a relationship,
But also the sappy happiness that comes with it.
I feel stupid, laughing, talking about the romantic things we did,
The car, the tree, the roof, the park,
A painting and statue,
Pitch black rides and bratty kids,
All too rom com movie like to be real.
How could you be the one I've done all these things with?
Just want to take the good qualities and implant them,
Transfer to one with even better qualities,
And preferably better looks,
To make new memories,
Live, learn, love, laugh and cry,
The things I dread and look forward to,
As I keep looking ahead.
Shoulder to Cry On
I need someone to talk to,
Someone who knows me,
The real me,
Someone I can talk to about anything.
I need a real friend by my side,
So I can talk and I can sob
A shoulder I can cry on.
I need someone who stays up late,
Who'll be there for me till the end,
Someone to tell me it'll all be alright,
And that it'll be okay again.
I feel like my life is crumbling on either side,
Coming down on my head,
Crashing around my ears.
I feel like the world I've been balancing on my shoulders,
Has inevitably become a burden I cannot bare,
An insurmountable weight;
My arms giving,
Flattened and crushed by the enormity.
I hate him,
I hate him in a way that is unhealthy,
Becoming ill with hatred,
Trembling with a feverish loathing.
I hate in a way that results in guilt,
No one should wish death on another person,
But my body shakes with rage,
My head hot with the desire to harm him,
He who has caused turmoil in my family.
He thinks of no one but himself,
Consequence even seems to despise him,
Hiding from him when really that is all he needs,
And I pray for consequences for his actions,
I pray for him to suffer,
Even though I know I should start on the road,
To acceptance and forgiveness,
I know it's unhealthy to live in hate,
But how can I live in love?
When my lungs gasp for breath as tears stream down my face,
Crying for the lack of justice,
Shaking with pain,
With helplessness that dooms me to silent corners without a voice.
Again, I cry:
"I hate him!"
My tears could fill the rivers
And my love for her fill the sea,
I wish justice could sail on calm waters,
Reaching the destination,
The doomed destiny of a child who never grew up,
Never grew to think of anyone,
Anyone but himself.
My mind tries to grasp the light,
Trying to picture reality,
Dispelling any fantasies that my dreams might have cast,
Like a spell or a curse.
Reality shines like a candle,
Lighting the dark,
But burning my eyes, in such a way,
That I turn back to the wizardry,
The enchanting spell of sleep and dreams,
Take me back,
Dispel the light for a little while longer.
And I lose myself,
I lose all directions,
Hoping the flood of ants,
The flock of bees,
Will take me back,
Back to the surface of existence.
Like Greek offerings,
I come to traverse the labyrinth,
Jumping at any sign,
Of a bull headed beast,
Or are they all monsters?
Hidden under hoodies,
Under cool attitudes,
Or eccentric styles,
Beneath the quiet speeders,
The head-phoned sulkers,
Or the innocent boys looking jumbled.
I feel like a cow beside sheep,
In the wrong pasture,
In the wrong place,
Somehow feeling bigger despite feeling so small,
Insignificant among the crowd,
Herded like everyone else,
Tested and treated like everyone else.
So out of place,
My head spins,
Directionally challenged to begin with,
People, oh so many people,
Voices echoing in excitement,
Making me lose sight entirely,
Of my destination.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel,
As if swimming from the depths,
Gasping for air,
What a place,
What a life to live daily,
Tested and treated like livestock,
Once approved sent off,
To be handled by other farms,
Fattening us up on misery,
On uniformity and unoriginality,
Boxes to fill,
Rooms and halls filled with voices,
And constant herding,
Directed by society,
Trained by society to obey standards,
Fill out the form,
Fill in the box,
Check it off your list,
Move on to the next box,
Grazing life without satisfaction,
The standards of society.
I miss the days of calling someone my own,
I miss when I was someone's,
When I was needed,
In that way,
In the way he needed me,
And I miss needing someone.
Now I look back from this vantage point,
I wonder if it was all a distraction,
A break from the chaos that is my life,
Or maybe it was the pebble that started the avalanche.
So many friends I can turn to,
And I do so,
But none of it ever feels the same,
I don't get giddy,
I don't feel that something I felt,
Just talking with you,
You were that someone,
Who felt the same way,
And someday it'll be someone new,
That I'll feel the same way about,
That I'll share part of my life with,
If just for a summer,
A season lived in romance,
And daydreams turned to reality,
But for now I'll just long for your company,
Because I wish you could have dried my tears,
And distracted me just a bit longer,
From the chaos that continues,
To tear through the waking hours,
When I don't think of what was.
What's your story?
What's your pain?
Hundreds of voices,
On a wave of chaos,
Hundreds of lives,
In the comfort of the crowd,
Hiding whatever individuality behind walls of conformity,
What is it like?
So used to the life you've built,
Built up around you,
Are you happy?
Ignorant of any other way,
Happiness in ignorance.
Are you miserable?
Despite knowing the path,
Ahead of you,
You know where you're going,
Or do you?
So many lives,
So many stories hidden to me,
Each one with their love,
In that way we are all alike,
Going along and trying not to sink,
Beneath the waves of the world.
Days full of friends,
Full of laughter and light,
They surround me,
When I step back I feel alone,
So extremely lonely,
For no apparent reason,
Why should I feel melancholy,
When a friend is but a click of a button away?
Tears trickle down my face,
And I am unsure of why,
When my day was full of happy new memories.
It's like I feel myself hiding my real feelings,
But I deny to face them,
And so they try spilling out in liquid form,
Stinging my raw skin.
I love my life,
My family and friends,
But somewhere inside something's missing,
And sometimes I wish,
I could poor my heart out to someone,
Who doesn't know me as well,
And not feel guilty,
Not feel embarrassed by my complete patheticness.
I wish I could feel content,
To see my friends,
And not wish for something more,
Not feel this way.
I am so blessed,
I tell myself over and over,
I know it to be true,
But sometimes a girl needs to be constantly reminded.
My hormones seem to be flying all over the place,
And it's dangerous,
To even think in this state of emotional turmoil,
So afraid to make the same mistake,
So guilty for wishing,
Wishing for more or less,
When truthfully I need nothing,
I am blessed.