The Better of Me~ Dancing Dreams (33)
The Better of Me
I'm mad at you,
Why am I mad at you?
Can't logically explain my disappointment,
Can't mentally figure it out,
Or get a grip on the meaning of my feelings.
I should be relieved right?
I should be glad,
But you weren't there,
When you said we'd be friends,
And at this point all I can hold onto,
Is your word and my memories,
So far my memories have been more loyal.
My memories of why come rushing back,
It helps me keep hold of sensibility,
Responsibility and logic,
Makes my disappointment make less sense,
Sense I made the right choice in the end,
And I'm better than this,
If only my feelings wouldn't get the better of me.
So this poem starts like any other,
I'm worried and emotional,
Fixated on a feeling,
That I pretend to understand,
But really I don't have a clue,
Don't know why I'm worried about him,
Don't know why he's making me anxious,
Might be that whole:
Bad habits die hard thing,
That habit deal I can't get a grip on.
Wish I could truly feel like I'm in control,
But that's how life is,
Like a crazy tornado,
Different twisters twisting around me;
Entangled in others' lives and then,
Plummeting out of them,
Spinning out of control on my own,
Dizzy with everyone's dramas,
On top of my own.
It worries me,
The same waiting on the next word,
The smiling face,
And impatience that keeps me on my toes,
Worried it'll all come crashing in,
That I'll stumble and fall back down the rabbit hole,
That which was so hard to climb out the first time.
Keeping Secrets From Myself
I'm not trying to keep secrets from you,
I'm trying to keep secrets from me,
Don't want to admit,
To any new born feelings.
It's not that I don get enough attention,
It's not that I wish you'd listen,
It's that I don't want to give any attention,
Don't wanna listen to what might be,
Real, or not.
I don't mean to lie,
Or maybe I do,
But I'd rather not tell the truth,
Then tear you down with my disinterest,
Impatience and pessimism.
Wild animals, that's what they've become,
Fighting for attention,
Snorting and bawling,
Cackling and growling,
Running rampant through the house.
Outside a scene of autumn beauty lie,
Susceptible to cold,
I let it lie right out of reach,
Enjoying my view from the coach,
Warm and cozy.
Thoughts of you dance,
Waltzing through my brain,
As if fancifully teasing me,
Dipping low into memories.
Like toes pointed, logic points me in the opposite direction,
Trying to lead me away from sloppy form,
From the cheesy 80's moves that are my daydreams of us.
Onward I tango into treacherous territory,
Hips swaying to the beat of my heart as it remembers,
As if repeating the moment over,
Short of breath.
Clicking heals signify my attempts at anger,
Forcing my inconstant thoughts to be upset,
As if forcing myself into the splits.
Dreams in puffy ball gowns,
Traipsing my unconscious mind almost magically,
Images of you,
Why do you keep appearing?
Like an uninvited guest to the royal ball,
The break dancer among flamenco,
The electric slide before ballerina's,
Charging up the dance floor.
Hot and aching,
My mind grows weary like a dancer going all night.
How can I quit?
How do I stop dancing to the music of my mind,
Playing all the love songs,
Singing all the sweet melodies of daydreams.