Childhood Rules~Surprise Party (31)
Not the perfect one you thought me to be,
Not as angelic or pure,
Finding out I'm not as mature as you thought,
And that I've broken some childhood rules.
Thoughts of purity,
Built up as a little girl,
All seem too strict and constricting now,
Because being "appropriate",
Would literally be hiding away,
Covering every inch of skin,
And waiting till I'm thirty and married,
To just kiss someone "on the lips!"
The Mystery Of My Guy Friend
Sometimes I wonder if you care,
As I put a lot into this friendship,
Sometimes I wonder if we would be friends,
If I just "forgot" to text "hi" now and then.
I wonder if we'd still pretend to talk,
And pretend to have other things to do,
Wonder if sometimes I'm just annoying,
Like a pebble in your shoe,
Constantly nagging to get your attention.
Don't know why I keep our friendship together,
When it's based off arguing and loneliness,
When all you do is say witty sarcastic *stuff*
And I try to be clever but end up,
Just looking like a stupid air-head.
Doesn't make sense,
But somehow I wouldn't want us to change,
Don't want you to go away,
Because you're a tool I use,
Practicing to guard my heart,
And intellectual conversation;
Safe because you're stubborn,
You're fun to talk to,
But also a pain,
Really just all very confusing,
And I realize you've done it again,
Made me break my own rule,
About not writing poetry about guy friends.
As the hours pass and bring time closer,
Closer to your birthday,
Makes me wonder,
And makes me stop,
I wonder what we would have done,
What you would have said,
When I asked you what you wanted,
Asked "what's the plan".
Probably would have prepared myself,
To share the day with his friends,
His family and others still,
Would have told myself to be patient,
Told myself not to be too clingy.
I wonder if I would have stayed up,
Been there on the phone,
Just to sing you a happy birthday,
Probably would have wished to be with you.
I wonder what I would have planned,
Wonder what I would have said,
I wonder what I would have gotten you,
Wonder if you would have cared,
Wonder if I would have finally given in,
And said "I love you."
Weird dreams run through my brain,
Taunting me with awkward situations,
And equally disturbing images,
Waking makes me laugh,
Funny that we both dreamt of my love life,
Though yours was more realistic than mine.
I am blessed,
The only injustice done me,
Is that I live in a world of injustice.
To the one so far,
To the one I called darling,
But never baby.
To just the one,
The first boy,
The first kiss,
The first dream come true,
Or at least first romantic dream.
Can't stop thinking,
Can't stop turning back time,
To the look on your face,
Wish I could've see the look on your face,
When I undoubtedly stayed up,
Just to say:
In an alternative universe,
Where I'm weak enough to go on,
Clinging onto our already dead relationship,
By only a heart string.
To the one so far,
May your years be blessed,
And may you find your one and only,
Or find sensibility in age.
Bouts of Insomnia
Completely restless night,
Don't want to fall prey to a restless mind,
I'd prefer nightmares over my restless mind,
The nightmares would be understanding,
They would have their limits.
Conscious lolly gagging has always troubled me,
Like an illness hard to shake off,
And miserable to be under.
Please save me from my restless mind,
Which expands with time,
Soaking in the dark like a sponge,
Filling every space,
Wringing out logic and soaking in handsome strangers,
Mercilessly plucking from every pool,
The ones I'd rather just be friends with,
Throwing them into forced situations,
And making me toss and turn.
A restless mind devours every sensible thought,
Leaving me with a loose grasp if reality,
And a constant feeling,
Of "I should stop,"
Like a waking nightmare,
Running from a monster,
The monster that is my restless mind.
The look of surprise,
Sends warmth into my chest and into my heart.
Beaming with pride,
Love and excitement,
I watch her light up and glow.
New friends and old,
I see everyone come close,
Just to make her feel loved,
Special and beautiful,
And I am so happy,
Because she is the sweetest heart,
Who deserves all the happiness in the world.