Cringe

An Essay By Kassady // 10/16/2013

Cringe:
I’m nearing the age of sixteen now, and every time I think about it, or someone mentions it, I cringe. I’d like to think that I don’t know why I’m so afraid of age, but I do.
Age, I have come to learn, is something that happens whether you like it or not; growing up is something entirely different. Growing up is a mental process. Sometimes Growing up comes with Age, but I know from experience and observance that you don’t need Age to Grow Up.
I grew up way too fast, and I know this, for I have grey hairs :P No, I’m not kidding. I have literally two or three bright white hairs which blatantly show up, stark against my dark brown hair (Not age actually, just Gene’s). Not only do I have grey hairs, but I feel like I have the responsibility to make sure that everyone around me is happy. I feel like I myself have to happy, in order for other people to be happy. I know this isn’t true, of course, or at least the reasonable side of my brain knows. That side knows that even if I was crying all day the world would still go on being sunny… But… the other, emotional, uncontrollable, and unreasonable side of my brain argues that if the world isn’t sad along with me, than my family will be (who are basically my world). I can’t have that.
I’ve grown up stressed out about meal time preparation, and getting kids to bed on time, and making sure everyone plays nicely. I think this is certainly an oldest thing, but I think it’s also been a “me” thing, and that it’s been self-induced. I take things WAY too seriously, I always have. In my house, I’m considered the second Mommy… and honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the privileges, I love being my mom’s best friend, and I love being trusted with adult information. It truly feels natural at this point; I couldn’t live any other way.
Coming closer to the age of sixteen, I realize that there is TWO years, just two more years until I turn eighteen. I have two years, technically, to decide what I want to do. Everyone keeps asking me if I want to go to College, what I’m going to be, what I want to major in, what do I see myself doing when I’m out of the house. I have ZERO answers for all these questions, and it FREAKS ME OUT! My mom keeps comforting, telling me I don’t have to know now, that everything happens when it happens, and that whatever I’m meant to be will come to me in the right time. This information, as loving and true as it is, sucks for me. This gives me no answers, it gets me nowhere… I’m STILL FREAKED OUT! At this point, whenever I start thinking about such daunting thoughts I shut my brain off and remind myself I don’t have to know… which in itself makes me feel lazy. Ugh! Around, and around and around in circles my brain goes, without any answers.
This is not the only thing. I’ve also become very irritable lately, and grumpy… and wishing for solitude. I understand it now when adults always talk about “Teenage Years” in a groaning undertone, like the worst thing ever. It’s like it snuck up on me in the middle of the night. I swore to myself that I’d never become an annoying, angry teenager, that I’d never feel that way… But… I DO! My mom’s pointed out that this time in my life I’ll be noticing a lot more issues I have with Her and my Dad… and I have! And it makes me feel disrespectful and completely disloyal. I’ve always looked up, so high, to my parents. They were my queen and king, and now, I feel equal. The Balance has been violently thrown off, the weights swaying back and forth uncertainly.
It scares me to think that I’m coming to the age where I don’t have to ask for permission any more, just approval. My life is in my own hands, and that’s scary to think about. Of course, the reasonable part of me says that “It’s only scary if you think it, and make it”. This I know to be true… but I guess I choose to make it scary, when it could be a breeze.
I feel like not only Age, but Growing up, have both caught up and are ready to gang up on me. *makes dying noises*
Emotionally and Physically a teenager… it stinks! But, on the other hand, it’s only just begun and I have no clue what new possibilities lie in wait for me. *fingers crossed* Please may they be good!

Comments

Ahhh, I feel your pain. All

Ahhh, I feel your pain. All of my friends warned me that 16 would be angsty and I laughed it off. Guess what? It's so true! So, 16's rough, but I'm hoping 17 will be better (I've only been 17 for a few weeks, so it's hard to tell lol). Good things come with being 16 though! The main one is the Driver's license. It's wonderful to never need a ride. You get all kinds of freedom:). Having such a limited time left of my childhood is definitely nerve wracking, but I guess it's all a part of getting older. I wish us both luck!!! :)

Erin | Thu, 10/17/2013

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

I really, really love this

I really, really love this Kass. AHH! And it makes me want to see and talk to you in person! Like, now!

But I get this. And I love a lot of the lines. It scares me to think that I’m coming to the age where I don’t have to ask for permission any more, just approval. <--Something about that I just love. Love love love. I can't put it into any other words.

I'm in the same boat as you right now. No idea. I mean, I thought I had it figured out when I was thirteen (lol) and would go around telling everyone, "This is what I'm going to do." And...not so much. And then a year ago I found this degree and I was like, "This is what I'm going to do." And...not so much. It doesn't appeal to me at all anymore, because I found out writing fiction/essays/poetry is not what I love to do the most. So I guess by the time I turn eighteen, it could have already changed again. It's just so hard to pinpoint what's right for you when you're not even old enough to have experienced everything.

You'll figure it out, don't worry! Love ya SSS! Thank you for sharing. :o)

Madeline | Thu, 10/17/2013

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

Hm.

I'm 14, and I know what you mean. I cringe whenever I remember/hear that I'll be 15, and taking Driver's Ed next year...
I'm also Mother No.4 or 5 in my family, so I understand what you mean. How many sibs, out of curiousity?
Yeah, Growing Up doesn't come with Age, but I feel more Grown Up than I look.

Gina I. | Thu, 10/17/2013

insert something inspiring

Thanks!

Thanks Guys!
Yeah... age! LOL! Thanks for commenting.

Kassady | Thu, 10/17/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Talk about stressful!

I totally loved this. It was kinda like you read my thoughts. Just everything!
When I was 12, all my friends were at least a year older. Then we moved, an I had to be the older one. Made me grow fast, I guess. :) Personally, 14 was really REALLY hard for me. I think I went through that rebelling age, WANTING to be older. Now, I just had my fifteenth birthday...."I want to stay little!"
Grey hairs....:) One of my friends have them, she's only sixteen.

"I love the privileges, I love being my mom’s best friend, and I love being trusted with adult information. It truly feels natural at this point; I couldn’t live any other way."

YES! Yes! I think I've gotten to that point where mum is more of my best friend, than an enemy. :)

And yes! Those questions....ARHH! I'm like 15, don't stress me out! But then I realise heck, I don't have that much time. It goes so fast!

"My mom’s pointed out that this time in my life I’ll be noticing a lot more issues I have with Her and my Dad… and I have! And it makes me feel disrespectful and completely disloyal."

ARRHHH! I totally know this. Why? Then I feel bad about it because it makes me feel "disrespectful and completely disloyal."

"It scares me to think that I’m coming to the age where I don’t have to ask for permission any more, just approval."

It scares the life out of me. But fingers crossed. :P

Thanks for sharing!!

Maddi | Thu, 10/17/2013

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

Thanks!

Thanks Maddi for commenting! Hopefully we both figure things out and come to a place of peace :)
I'm learning a lot, and arguing with myself a lot, and hopefully (unlike me) you know exactly why you have emotional unbalances, or weird feelings. My emotions and my brain work on two different levels, and my brain is totally freaking out, because my emotions have totally taken over! I cry for no apparent reason, I get upset over things too easily and I just feel... things (I can't even describe what kind of feelings they are, they're just feelings). SOOO hopefully, you are more of a brainy person :P
Well, no matter how alone we feel, we're all together in that we want to be alone :D
Good luck, to the both of us!

Kassady | Fri, 10/18/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

:D

Yeah, it's called hormones...blah. Nope, definitely not a brainy person. That's why they call me a dumb blonde. No, that's a bit harsh. I am smart in some areas. Just not maths. Or science. Or anything related to those two subjects that are, apparently, essential to living. :D

Maddi | Sat, 10/19/2013

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

I shall interject here (hey

I shall interject here (hey Kass! *waves*) to say that I feel the same about math and science as you, Maddi. Algebra is okay. But when are you ever in a bazillion years going to use Heron's formula (what I've been at lately) unless you're an accountant? And maybe not even then. haha. Rest assured, you are NOT a dumb blonde! LOL!

Madeline | Sat, 10/19/2013

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:P

My point exactly. I'm doing Algebra at the moment (but a bit behind...) and I seriously don't think I'll ever use it. Ever.
I am put at rest, then!!

Maddi | Sat, 10/19/2013

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

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