Dandelion Wishes

A Poem By Kassady // 4/16/2016

A dozen golden promises bloom,
A promise from our mother's womb,
The mother goddess that lies within,
That've heard all wishes that's ever been.
A thousand seeds disperse on the wind,
A thousand messengers for one wish,
When they flutter down weighted by dreams,
And grab hold of sun-soaked earth, and it seems,
As though certainly I shall get my desires,
Yet can this be done by such fluffy flowers?
Has the earth unbound my path for a time,
For such a simple wish as mine?
Or could it be,
the power rests in me,
Golden clusters merely there for remembering,
A vision of my wants constantly blooming in sight,
To make it so.

Comments

SO much fabulousness in one

SO much fabulousness in one poem! How is it possible? The continuity throughout this poem is masterful--it never loses sight of its message. I love the metaphor, the imagery, and the word choice (A thousand seeds disperse on the wind is probably my fave).

There are a couple suggestions I have, if you don't mind critiques!

Who's heard all wishes that's ever been.

"That've" would work better here! "That have" would be gramatically correct in the context!

They flutter down weighted by dreams,
And grab hold of sun-soaked earth, and it seems

I think you have one extra syllable in that second line! You could reword it to something like:

When they flutter down weighted by dreams,
And grab hold of sun-soaked earth, it seems

I LOVE the wording in this, especially that second line, but with everything else rhyming so concisely it threw me off a little when desires/flowers didn't.

As though certainly I shall get my desires,
Yet can this be done by such fluffy flowers?

Maybe desires/fliers would work? That's just the first word that came to mind! Or you could rework the first line so it's something that rhymes with flower. Or not! LOL! Either way it's still lovely!

This is just another flow suggestion, but I would consider breaking these lines up:

Or could it be
the power rests in me

It draws more attention to the rhyming words, kind of gives it a nice little lilt!

I REALLY love this poem--it's a standout! I hope you don't mind the comments! <3

Madeline | Sat, 04/16/2016

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

I love this comment so much,

I love this comment so much, thank you for all the critiques and yes I'm definitely going to edit now!
I don't exactly see how "that've" would be correct? Since before its talking about the mother goddess... But I can change it!
Now I know we talked about the desires/flowers thing over of Messanger... So I think I'm keeping that but yes, thank you for reading and all your professional suggestions! I can't wait to comment on Sunkist :O which is amazing!
Thanks again Homeg my BFF! Love ya!

Kassady | Mon, 04/25/2016

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Navigation

User login

Please read this before creating a new account.