Reaching just a bit higher,
Settling down again.
Pulling away afraid I've pushed too far,
Hoping you'll pull me back in.
Not sure when to say stop,
I want it to last forever
Softening my approach once more,
I hope you'll take the slack,
And make me yours,
Today feels like yesterday,
Or at least the half with you,
And I don't want to sound pathetic,
But I kinda already miss you.
Maybe it's best to let it lie.
Sharing isn't always caring,
But maybe it is?
Who says it isn't?
Who says you'll cringe?
The critic within my head,
The uncertainty of my heart,
And the fear of driving you away.
The wind blows violently,
Rain patters against the window,
Battering down as if at war,
My stronghold remains though,
Sturdy and safe.
Seventy Five Percent
Every train of thought winds back,
Back around to that,
That I don't want to use you,
You who I hardly even know,
Though I pretend to know otherwise.
The surface has just been skimmed,
Nearly two months might be a while,
But I feel like I'm kissing a stranger.
If I cannot confront you,
Then when will I ever really love you?
But do you?
I feel like an accessory,
A social status wrapped around your arm,
Like a watch, expensive, yet easy to replace.
My petals are bright and vibrant,
Full of life and color,
She says I'm drooping to converse with the dirt,
Though it feels disloyal to admit, I agree.
How can I balance my want to nurture,
With my self-respect?
I deserve the best I know this deep down,
You, sadly my darling, are not.
But I see it all as a staircase,
Leading ever higher,
You're the first step,
And again I'm afraid that I'm using you.
Over and over,
The fear of overthinking my feelings,
Trying to separate myself from her,
For my own thoughts and opinions seem to hide,
Afraid to be seen in the light,
Afraid of being wrong,
Of being shallow and selfish.
All I want to do is talk to you about it,
I want to pour out my heart,
Share my feelings,
My selfish desires,
My darkest fears.
Clinging to the thought that I see something,
But there is no running from the fact,
That you are replaceable,
And I hate that I can say that so freely,
My heart aches at the pain I may inflict.
And above all I don't want to hurt you.
I've seen the pain in your eyes,
The anger broiling deep within that you hide,
Behind a goofy grin,
Behind a laugh that is empty.
Do you even know why you're still here,
I'm sure you don't.
I've seen the look in your eye,
The way you stand so detached,
Unsure of where you stand without physical contact.
It's easier to just close my eyes and enjoy,
The blindingly giddy feeling of kissing you,
Easier to swim in the shallows,
Than learning how to swim in the deep,
Wouldn't it just be easier to hop out of the pool entirely?
The chill of wind against wet skin,
Uncomfortable but not unbearable,
I'll wrap myself up in a towel,
Comforting myself again,
Wrapping myself up not in someone's arms,
But my own beauty and glow.
I don't need you,
I don't need anyone,
And I'll tell myself that until it truly feels real,
One hundred percent instead of seventy five.
I'm so confused,
I want to curl up in a ball,
Shut the world out,
Hibernate in my cocoon,
Sheltered from everything,
Everything outside my control.
I laugh and instantly feel discombobulated,
I'm trying so hard to figure out the balance,
Balancing the way I feel,
With the way you make me feel in the moment.
What should I do?
I can't just one day be taciturn,
Without warning or trailing off.
It would be unfair to you,
If I were to laugh and joke one day,
Then scowl and put you down the next.
How do I do this?
A day ago I was happy,
I had been content with your faults,
Then I sat back,
Realized that it wasn't true,
That this settling isn't healthy,
And I want to be the best I can be,
I'm afraid now you'll pull me down.
How do I confront this?
When in silence I plot and ache,
But talking to you I laugh,
I smile and converse freely.
I catch myself enjoying it,
Which confuses me to no end,
How do I feel?
The answer seems to duck,
Right outside my reach,
And if we were playing freeze tag,
I would have argued to have brushed against the answer,
So that I might stop running after it,
Long enough to know.
Why is this so hard to understand?
I wish I could look at it in black and white,
Color keeps confusing my vision,
And two options become twenty,
If there are options at all.
All I know is that I truly feel happy,
Laughing with you.
It's when we're not laughing,
That I ask myself,
"How do I do this?"
While My Poem Gently Weeps
I'm a hopeless romantic,
And you satisfy that part of my heart,
That says it belongs,
In a relationship.
All these eloquent words,
Easily spoken with a silver tongue,
Easy to get caught up in,
Difficult to escape.
Once started is hard to break,
I'm afraid I've grown accustomed,
Grown close to this habit,
A habit of feeding off of you,
Feeding my desire for romance,
Can't help but feel you're a romantic too,
Just missing the vivacity of age,
If not a bit awkwardly so.
I enjoy playing with you,
I know you enjoy it too,
The experimentation of new skills,
Using our assets,
Playing on each other's weaknesses,
Indeed I can hardly say I hate it,
Can't say I don't like it,
Nay, love it,
For in fact I do.
I pretend not to see where the issue is,
Though I feel something tug,
Pulling at my heart,
As if uncomfortably nudging me,
Our flirtatious banter is addictive,
I can't help but grin ear to ear,
And just the tiniest bit vain.
I grin slyly,
Though frown a second after.
After everything I've felt,
From one stage of raging emotions to the next,
Like a crazy whirlwind,
Confusion and tears follow in my wake,
A storm of dependency,
On one thing or another,
Clinging to thoughts,
To feelings which have long past.
One day I'm madly in love,
The next I know better,
And yet at night my head whiplashes;
How could I ever hold something against you,
When you say things like that?
When you speak so sweetly,
Or when you write things you'd never really say.
I have no room to talk,
Here I am writing,
My words like tears flow down,
One after the other,
My poetry a form of sobbing,
The crying of my mind expressing,
Something difficult to express.
This silver tongue which fluently dotes on you,
Lies still when it comes to addressing,
What lies hidden within,
Unheard yet screaming in defiance,
"Let me out!"
Tell Me Anything
Open up your heart,
Just a peek,
The tiniest part,
Of who you really are.
The sky lit up,
Fire kissing the clouds,
Raining down in streams of sparkles.