Few Scars~Antsy (29)
So maybe I don't like it,
So maybe I'm no longer okay,
No longer relieved or happy.
I feel alone,
I feel longing everyday,
For romance again,
Silly it is,
When it's burned me not often,
But enough for a few scars.
I wish I could have shared my day with you,
Wish I could have seen you smile,
Wish I could have made you laugh,
Or just forget about your worries for awhile.
Wish I could have called you,
Laughing in your ear,
Wish I could have told you,
Wish you could have been there.
You would have loved it,
It's just your kind of humor,
Instead your friend is loving,
Every picture on Instagram,
And I'm beginning to be creeped out.
Guess I should start,
Start writing about life,
Our romance is through,
You're no longer my muse.
Though it's questionable,
Can't help but think you're still,
Still mine to write to,
Pine away at,
Isn't a muse just an object of inspiration?
Whether it is an object in reach or not.
I hate admitting to anything,
When it comes to missing you,
I hate admitting,
That it's hard for me,
Waiting anxiously in the silence.
It's not till the question is raised,
That the emotions,
Tucked neatly away,
Start to rise as well.
Like the tide that comes rushing in,
My face flushes with a something,
An emotion of frustration,
Of desperate feelings I cannot explain,
Explain logically that is.
I know why I want you,
Emotionally you filled a void,
You filled the need for romance,
For interest and companionship,
Plus the physicality.
All of that is gone,
For many important reasons,
Reasons I try to cling to,
Trying to grasp them in my weak fingers,
But they float on the winds,
The air of nonsensical daydreams,
And unrealistic portrayals of your character.
It's happened all before,
I've convinced myself a hundred times,
By now you'd think I'd learn from experience,
That consoling myself with the thought,
Of timing healing all wounds doesn't work,
Sense obviously that injury still hurts,
Like a battle wound acting up,
From time to time aching.
I hate this feeling,
This game of hide and seek with my emotions,
Everything I expected to experience,
The moment we split,
Coming to me in doses of heartache,
Teaspoons of pain,
Tablespoons full of loneliness,
Cups of loss,
And gallons of guilt.
I wish you knew from the start,
Wish I didn't let it go so long,
And I wish I could let it go in my heart,
Sense my mind let go months before.
Why do my eyes sting,
Unshed tears threatening to spill,
When I think of your departure.
It had been rumored,
Talked of before hand,
It had been anticipated,
And then cancelled.
Did I not realize my relief?
Did I not realize my feelings building?
A bond as close as friendship,
A bond I've never had in this way,
Never really been friends,
With someone I could argue with freely,
Could practice my sarcasm freely,
And sure I don't share everything with you,
My emotions are kept personally tucked away,
But I've shared my thoughts,
My thoughts and schemes.
It doesn't logically make sense,
We'll still talk like before,
Maybe even more so.
I don't understand how distance could trigger,
This feeling of distress,
Of wanting to spend every last minute,
Making up time for the minutes I've stewed,
Mad over stupid debates.
I can't believe I feel this way!
I'll see you,
I'll see you probably every year,
But it'll stink after our schedule of every week.
Somehow I don't know why,
I'm tempted to cry at the thought,
Of missing you.
Should have said something quick,
Just something to make you notice.
Didn't have to I guess,
Your eyes still looked my way
Thankfully I was already grinning,
When our eyes met,
And oh how your dark chocolate skin,
Was gorgeous just then,
And I could see that you saw me too,
I wish I could have said something,
Because you've probably already forgotten,
The smiling girl,
With the Hershey's t-shirt,
Hair up and jeans.
Antsy and anxious,
The why escapes me,
But I jump up and down,
Unable to stop moving,
Anxiously bouncing my legs.
Why this antsy feeling?
All I know is my stomach is loosely knotted,
For some reason I know not,
Maybe it's impatience for the plans,
My weekend calendar filled with the people I love.