My Thoughts Like Stars~ Second Chances (20)
My Thoughts Like Stars
I'm stuck in space,
Surrounded by darkness,
Stars shine in the distance,
Some bright some dim,
Too far too touch,
Unless one comes shooting by.
Make a wish upon an idea,
Then let it circle back,
Back around even brighter.
Does no one understand 'temporary'?
I swear it's a word in the dictionary.
Does no one understand "for now"?
Am I shallow,
To want to try things out?
Forever is not a word in my vocabulary,
The future scares me more.
Commitment to one only,
Sounds more like a death sentence,
Than actual romance.
Am I a snob,
To find your faults,
To try to see past them but can't?
Would it be cold to leave you?
I'm unsure of where I stand,
I can't act like you're everything forever,
Can't act like I'm in love with you forever,
Because your not,
Because I'm not,
Because this is insane.
We try to make things work certainly,
I still laugh and smile,
You still make me feel giddy.
Really I honestly don't see the big deal?
You all act like I have to seal my fate,
Wrap it up in a black ribbon,
Tie it into a neat little bow.
They all ask,
"Well why are you together,
If it isn't for forever."
The thought physically scares me,
Chills and disgust,
At living with you forever and ever,
Till death do us part.
I'd rather shoot myself,
Than have the sounds of shooting,
Coming from the xbox.
Ex the box,
Ex my out of the equation.
Nix all fantasies of me in a white dress,
Kiss my butt and have yours handed to you,
I love you and care for you,
But never enough to go through with you.
"Perfect" you've said,
And I've wanted to perfectly be so,
But your immaturity makes me groan so,
And I have a feeling I'm this freaking close,
To yelling at you.
I still dance around your feelings,
Afraid of offending,
Like new friends or good acquaintances do.
I feel like an alien,
Like a snotty goody-goody two shoes,
Trying to flick you off like a bug,
Stranded on the windshield of my life.
I feel like a terrible person for saying all this,
I'm shallow and cruel,
Trying to do my best,
Trying my very best,
Not to hurt you!
You've been hurt so many times before,
And I hate that I'll just be one more.
I wish you'd find fault in me,
And make the first move...
But when have you ever done that?
I take that back,
You started it,
But does that mean it's my turn?
Why is this all so confusing?
I can't tell apart anymore my original thoughts,
From my mothers and my fantasies.
Do I really love you?
It's an up and down spiral all twisted up,
My chromosomes are full of contradictions!
One moment I'm head over heals,
Every fantasy come true,
I kiss, I hug, I smile, I laugh.
Turn around and I'm eagerly trying,
To find any new excuse to blow you off.
I hate that I am so judgmental of you,
That I wish for that last straw,
That my mouth would open
- to tell the whole truth.
The more I think the less I remember,
It's nearly impossible to pull away,
You've got me under some kind of spell,
Your eyes, your lips, your hands hold fast,
And goodness I'm such a stupid girl!
I need to get a grip,
I've got to just rip off the band-aid,
Before the cut gets infected,
It's already itching like hell,
But I'm so afraid it'll hurt,
And pull parts of me along with it.
Turn it off, the lights,
Bring back the sweet darkness,
Close my eyes,
Hope the world falls away into blackness,
Thoughts muddle my vision,
Emotions confuse my thoughts.
Bring it back to the beginning,
Let the dark enfold me,
Hug me and kiss me till day.
Hide the fact that I've been crying,
Hair pulled to conceal my face,
Blotchy red around the eyes.
Tears streaming down my cheeks,
Unsure of where I stand,
Not knowing what I want.
I feel the heat in my chest,
As I look at you,
Feel your accusations drilling in,
Battering my heart.
Don't you trust me?
I don't so I can't blame you,
Truthfully not sure what to do,
When it comes to ending,
When it comes to making a choice,
The right choice.
Can't protect him,
But I want to, from myself,
From my ways of manipulation,
From my overexaggeration-
So afraid of overthinking,
Of being too influenced by your words.
But I have to do something,
I am better than this,
I am better than him,
And as sucky as that sounds it's true.
We're on completely different levels,
Can't he see?
Every minute pretending,
Isn't just hurting me.
You say he doesn't care,
Is it true?
I don't know anymore,
I just don't know!
It has to end but when, how?
I can't just go along forever until,
The right opportunity arises.
I'm sorry I've let it go so far,
I never intended on this happening,
Fake smiles mixed with real amusement,
Truth and lies seem to be dancing,
Together off setting my plans,
My ideas and thoughts,
Squashed by what I feel inside.
Muddled and confused,
All I know is this isn't love,
This isn't even a relationship,
Not worth saving,
No matter how much I continue caring.
I draw hope from dark places.
Voices keep telling me.
My reasons outnumber considerably.
The future is like a horror movie.
It'll be me to speak up I am sure.
My heart keeps aching my head shaking.
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
Freeze my vision and turn it off.
Impossible can no longer be possible,
Kick it out of my vocabulary,
And find some other word to cling to.
It's something I've shied from,
Opposed mostly against it,
Trying my best to stay in control,
Is what I'm giving you.
I've neglected to give expectation,
Expecting you to be perfect,
Without a clue,
Of how to act or how to talk.
I've hidden my feelings,
My desires and wishes,
Behind explosive laughter;
Not giving you anything,
Never telling you no.
Well now you know,
Not to talk to me like that.