Nicholas Sparks Inspired Drama (name still pending) Chapter One *gasps for breath*

Fiction By Kassady // 4/12/2013

~~ The world is dark and cold, chilling and numbing at the same time. The dark rain clouds cover the sun.
Everything is grey.
The waves lap dully against the the rocks below, with little, if not any sound.
Numb.
have no feeling.I’m stiff, soundless, motionless, emotionless, helpless. The ocean once beautiful, is dull and grey in my eyes. The seagulls are even quiet.
Why?
The question of the century, still unanswered, even after all this time.
Time.
Something I have never had, something which stops this very moment. There is no such thing as time now. Just empty space; an empty space left in my frozen heart.
Emptiness.
I look up to the sky. Dark, grey and empty, just like everything inside of me.
Scream.
I yell with grief and a wave of passion, my lunges bursting, my body burning. Feeling returns.
The sky is filled with the setting sun; burning right, painting the heavens blood red.
Warmth returns to my heart, searing like a hot iron. My body tingles with energy.
Body aching, heart wrenching pain.
The water churns and the waves crash against the rocks, salt water spraying the air, in a fine mist.
I taste salt water, but whether it is the sea spray or the hot tears which corse down my face, I do not know.
Another shout bubbles up from my stomach, from my heart, from my soul. It reaches the surface and my cracked lips part to release it.
The scream wrings me out from the inside, squeezing me. Anger threatens to boil over in my insides and I scream with all my strength, with all my will and with all my heart.
It leaves me hollow and sore.
Heart burning painfully, my soul cries out in anguish.
The seagulls do not dare to cry out, feared they be blown away with my anger and utter sorrow.
The world burns with a bright furocity. Red and blue, orange and white, searing my eyes and my heart.
Everything is too bright, too sharp, too colorful, too painful. My life is too empty... without him.

Chapter One.

“Is this all?” asks the cashier, merely glancing at the items on the desk.
I nod, looking inside my wallet, it’s not the biggest wallet, but I have no need for a very large, or deep wallet. Even if I had more money, or cards to put inside of a larger wallet, I wouldn’t ever consider trading out His wallet for a new one.
The cashier, a good friend of mine, looks up at me. The expression on her face is apparent: pity. I used to despise that look, but now it’s become useless to me. It takes too much energy and emotions to react anymore to such things. The numbness of emotions has become essential for me, for both my nerves and the people around me.
“Are you alright?” she asks, leaning in closer to me, her eyes concerned.
I shrug, and shake my head slowly. “Yeah.”
“Meriel-”
I look down and then look back up, my nose flaring. Anger starts to creep up on me, the one feeling I’ve kept at bay for so long, trying to cage it up as best I can.
“Theresa, I’m fine. Really.” I blink as I feel my throat thicken and I look back down at my wallet again.
I hear Theresa sigh sadly, “Fine.” She scans my two items and mutters the amount softly, though for what reason, I can’t understand.
I pay and then grab my plastic bag, which crinkles and makes a horrid noise. The sound of plastic bags have always grated on me, apparently no one has realized this yet.
Though I have lived outside of the small town of Southport, Maine, for four years now, the people still have an excited interest in me. I’m the gossip of the whole Boothbay Harbor, and it’s no wonder. My entrance to the Southport area was very dramatic and romanticized.
The memory makes me shrink back into my shell.
“Thank you,” I mutter and walk off.
The automatic doors slide open, sending a painful memory surfacing, as it does everytime.

Thunk!
“Ow!”
“You goof.”
Laughter.
“I swear I didn’t see that.”
“Yeah, it slides open over on this side.”
“Ha, ha, ha, that actually did hurt.”
“I’m surprised you admit it.”
“What? Men are suppose to be invincible?”
“Of course.”
“Sorry, sweetheart. I think you’ve got the wrong guy.”
“You had me fooled.”
“For superman?”
“Who else?”
Laughter.
“Mwhaha, my evil plot has worked. I have successfully captured supermans best weapon.”
“Weapon?”
“What else could a sexy lady like you be? You’re certainly not a decoration.”
“If you’re the villain, then it is I, who have captured you. No?”
“Hmm...”
Smiling.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because you are so true. You’ve captured me, body and soul.”
“Shut up.”
“I’ve been defeated.”
“By a sliding glass door?”
Laughter.
“By you.”

I gasp, tears stinging my cheeks as I sit in the silent car, gripping the steering wheel so hard I’ve lost feeling in my hands. I’ve lost feeling everywhere, except my heart, which keeps throbbing.

******

“Did you get the flour?” asks my mother in law, Rachel, who goes through the plastic bag.
I cover my ears, gritting my teeth at the noise of the crinkling plastic. Like nails on a chalkboard. “Ugh, please, Rachel.”
Rachel purses her lips, and pulls out Flour and Sugar. “You forgot the butter.”
I wince as she crumples the bag into a ball and throws it in the trashcan, “I’ll get it tomorrow.”
“I need it tonight, Meri.”
I wave my hand in the air dismissively, “You can use olive oil.”
“We don’t have olive oil.”
I run a hand through my thick dark brown hair. It’s bushy, instead of curly today. Air Drying it after a shower does that. “You take care of it. I’m tired.”
Rachel scowls at me, and I can feel her eyes follow me as I drink a glass of water and then go into the small living-room. “What happened?”
I put a hand to my head, trying to ward off the sobs. A weight in my chest threatens to flatten me. I shake my head then rest it back on to the couch, trying to breath normally. “Nothing.”
She comes and sits in the rocking chair opposite me. Looking at me... looking in me. She’s not Theresa. Rachel doesn’t skirt around me and my emotions, she digs in mercilessly, she brings out the problems and analyses each part with a sickening fascination which has alway disturbed me. The only thing is, she takes me apart and then can’t apply synthesis. All the parts of me are scattered here and there, left to drown in my tears. I’m left in pieces, unable to fix myself again.
Her eyes bore into me, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It moves me to speak, “Everything... just... I can’t... I can’t look straight ahead without seeing something that reminds me of him.” I lick my lips and blink away tears, “It’s no longer that I see his face in the crowd, but I see him... I see our memories...in everything,” my voice fades to a whisper.
Rachel stands and then sits beside me on the couch, “Who mentioned him?”
I bite my lip, “Darla. Like always.”
Rachel sighs, rubbing my knee affectionately. She looks deep into my face, “What did she say?”
“She said,” I shake my head, tears bursting out from the corners of my eyes and dropping unto my jeans. “She said that, ‘even though you’re man gave you everything, it doesn’t mean... doesn’t mean everyone else will’.” I stop and let out a pent up sob. Exhaustion falls unto my shoulders. I feel hollow. I feel as if the rain which had started to heal me is drained out again with my tears. I’m so tired. I’m so empty.
“Well that truly is an awful thing to say,” she says pertly, “I won’t argue though, that he did give you everything.”
“He did not!” I shout louder than intended.
Rachel calmly stands up, “He did, whether you like it or not...” she’s silent for a moment, looking down at me, “I never understood what he saw in you.”
I blink away tears and then stand up. “I’m going to go pick up Lincoln.”
“Pick up butter while you’re out.”
I stomp right back out of the house, still stinging from my mother-in-laws sharp words. I feel the pieces of my heart drift even further,the pieces Rachel took apart are being taken apart. Soon, there will be nothing left.

****

I slap the new bought tub of butter unto the kitchen counter and glare at Rachel. The trip has truly exhausted me. I feel myself struggling to stand up straight, leaning against the counter.
“Happy?” I ask sharply.
Rachel gives me a very sarcastic smile, “Thank you.”
I sigh and roll my eyes. The exchange just makes me more weak. “I’m going to go lay down.”
“Lincoln,” Rachel calls.
The sweet, innocent faced, pink cheeked little four year old comes in, a paper airplane in one delicate hand and a bright red fire hydrant stuck to the index of the other hand.
“Yes?” he asks in his sweet voice, a light brown curl hanging over his left eye. “Yes, Nana?”
Rachel smiles, a true and merry smile. “Can you help me?”
Lincoln nods, climbing with his spindly legs and arms up the tall kitchen stool.
I smile weakly as I take the sticker of the fire hydrant off his finger, “Did you get this at school?”
Lincoln nods with a seriousness only four years olds express, “We learned about fire fighters. They go into buildings on fire to save people, and they drive fire trucks.”
“Wow,” I blink sleepily, “That sounds awesome. Okay, Mommy’s going to take a nap, are you okay working with Nana?”
Lincoln nods seriously, reaching forward with curious hands to grab a spatula. “Yes.”
Rachel looks at me, the look of affection she once had directed on Lincoln turns to a stern loathing on me. “You go, we’ll be fine.”
I nod, kiss Lincoln’s forehead and then turn for bed.
Sleep envelopes me, and the dreams start to invade once more, like they always do during the day. The dreams of him sinking, of me screaming, of rain falling, fill me with terror and I wake yet again exhausted. The hours I slept have no effect, and I feel as if I haven’t slept in days.
I rub my eyes and then Lincoln appears at my bedside. The room is dim, and the red light behind the bedroom curtains tell that it is much later than when I fell asleep.
“Mommy,” Lincoln says softly, cupping my face and chin with his clammy little hand, “Are you alright?”
I smile, keeping back the touched tears, and kiss his forehead, “Of course. I’m fine. Thank you sweety.”
He climbs into bed with me, making me wrap my arms around his wiggly, soft and warm body. Leaning his head into my chest he scratches at a stain on my shirt, “Me and Nana made cookies.”
I smile, breathing in his little boy scent. Musky dirt and the hint of yesterdays bath soap linger in his overgrown curly hair. “Oh? What kind of cookies?”
“Chocolate chip,” he says, all his attention in taking off the stain.
“Ooh, my favorite,” I say softly, enjoying the comfort of his small body in mine. I hug him closer and kiss his forehead yet again.
He wiggles in my tight grip, “Have you met a firefighter, Mommy?”
I smile and run my fingers through his hair, they get caught in a few of his tangles, making him squirm a little more. “Yep.”
He moves from the stain to my ring on my finger, the sight of him fingering it makes my stomach turn inside out and memories fill me. “You were in a fire?”
“No,” I try to chuckle, but I just breath heavily, “Actually, it was the first time I went to vote, and... and it was at the fire station.”
“What does ‘vote’ mean?” Lincoln asks, twisting the ring back and forth, up and down.
“Well...” I think for a moment, lost for words, “Um...It would be like... if you wanted to play Shoots and Ladders, and your friend... Smith wanted to play CandyLand. Then you had your other friends vote for which one they wanted. See? Does that make sense?”
Lincoln shrugs, “Yep. Why do you have two rings?”
I gulp, my throat thickening. I squeeze him for support, and take a deep breathe of his sweet, musky aroma. “Well the one with the shinny crystal is my engagement ring and the other is my wedding ring.”
“What is in engagement?”
I shut my eyes, trying to fight away the memory of his proposal. But it surfaces anyways.

“Well...”
Nervous Laughter.
“Well?”
“Well I guess there is just one more thing to do.”
“Tell our parents?”
“Well that and-”
“Pray?”
“No!”
“Find help?”
“No, just... stop!”
“What?”
“Stop interrupting me.”
“You weren’t talking.”
“I was, I was about say-”
“But you finished.”
“Shut up!”
“But you were!”
“I...”
Kneeling.
“What are you doing?”
“The only thing left to do is marry you... if you’ll have me.”
Gasping.
Crying.
Laughing.
Kissing.
“Of course.”
“I love you so much.”
“I love you.”

“Engagement is...” I clear my throat, “Is when a man and woman love each other very much and the man... or the woman asks if the other will marry them.”
“Oh... did Daddy, engage you?”
The question asked would have made me laugh, if it weren't for how hollow and sad I feel. “Yes... he proposed.”
“Why?”
“Because he loved me, and I loved him.”
“Do we have to engage?”
I do chuckle at this, and shake my head, “No darling. Not like that.”
“Oh good... because you’re my mom.”
I smile, “Yeah that would be weird.”
Lincoln giggles, and I tickle him gently just to hear his musical laugh. He wriggles and squirms, squealing and laughing. He jumps out of the bed and runs out of the room giggling.
I smile and lay back on my pillow, still feeling weak.
Rachel knocks on the door right as I start to doze off. “Meri?”
“Come in,” I say struggling to keep my eyes open.
Rachel comes in holding a plate of cookies in one hand, and a glass of milk in the other. “These are yours.” She plops the plate down unceremoniously onto the nightstand, placing the glass of milk down a little more gently beside the cookies.
“Thanks,” I mumble, turning unto my side and pulling the covers higher to cover my shoulders.
Rachel nods, starting to turn around, but she looks back at me. “Do you want me to give Lincoln a bath?”
I shrug sleepily, “Sure.”
“Meriel.”
“What?” I ask, confused at her reprimanding tone.
“Are you going to sleep all your evenings away? You only have a child for a short time, you should be enjoying him, while you still can.” Tears well in her eyes, reminding me that she was His mother.
I don’t get up, but feel miserable and guilty for the rest of the night, until morning, when I finally go to sleep again.

Comments

I liked the last half the

I liked the last half the best. The conversation with the little boy at the end was super well done! If you choose to continue with it, you really need to cut back the melodrama. Pick where you want the descriptions of the pain she's feeling, otherwise it seems over the top. I find that the most pain is found in the quiet (I don't think that makes sense, but it works in my head). It sort of creeps up on you, instead of waves and waves. Besides, it really bothers me when women (especially ones with children) think that their lives are hopeless without a man. But your descriptions were really good! I like "Reflecting the Sea", because every time I read "Heavy in Your Arms" I get the song stuck in my head.

Erin | Tue, 04/16/2013

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

I was gripped. The best

I was gripped. The best prologue was good, but chapter one was what got me hooked. The characters are great, and the conversation with the four year old was great. Really effective writing. Keep it up!

Abigail Naomi M... | Tue, 04/16/2013

Abigail <3

Thank you!

Thanks for reading! Hopefully all the drama wasn't too painful to read, I definitely have realized that a lot of my writing recently has been full of melodrama... but I guess that reflects my own melodramatic tendencies :P

Erin: Thank you so much for your critique. I really do appreciate critiques, because I know my writing always has room for improvement. I definitely feel like this story has a LOT of room for improvement. So... I want to make a few excuses (:P) for the melodrama. One: I was feeling really melodramatic while I was writing it, and that really did effect it, but made me feel better. Two: She did just loose her husband/true love... which I hope is obvious. The prologue was written first, and this actually went to an even more melodramatic and tragic story, in the beginning I wrote about a girl who jumped off a cliff and killed herself... so... then it turned into this, which I personally think fits much better :P
You make a wonderful point about pain creeping up on you. I've experienced this. But I also know that it doesn't just come in that form either. Sometimes it's just there, it hits you (like a wave, again a sea metaphor, haha). That's what I wanted to convey in the prologue. It was sudden and painful and bright.
The first chapter, you have to get into perspective (which I might have not done well). This is a woman whose been suffering for years, she was heartbroken. And yes, pain does creep in, but Meriel's already gone through all the creeping pain, now she just drowns in it. If that makes sense? I might have not conveyed that the right way. And little things trigger her. I don't know if I conveyed that right way, that some days are harder than others. This first chapter was, just one of those days where someone set her off and she spiraled back into sadness, while she had been climbing out of it. If that makes sense? Hopefully if I write the next chapter it will clear up some of the melodrama. If there were parts in this first chapter that I should change because it just sounds WAY too extreme, please point those out and how I can change them to be more easy to read.
Again thank you SO much for reading and commenting!
LOL, I do have to agree with you about not liking women who feel hopeless without a man. That's probably why I'm writing it, because I'm challenging myself with this character. She HAS lost her husband, someone she really, really, really loved. So... enough of my excuses for my story :P Thanks so much for pointing those out, I do need help though pinpointing the melodramatic parts which are just too much. Please tell me how I can convey all of what I've just told you Haha... which is as long as a novel itself. Sorry for such a long email. Wanted to explain.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Abigail: Thank you so much for reading! I'm glad it's interesting enough to continue reading, that's really what I've been focusing my skills in right now. Hooking readers with the first and second chapters. Thanks for commenting!

Again sorry for the long comment and all the drama!!! LOL! Thanks a bunch!

Kassady | Tue, 04/16/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Thanks for the explanation! I

Thanks for the explanation! I figured out that her husband had actually died. At first, I misinterpreted it to mean that he had left for one reason or another. I TOTALLY understand the melodrama thing. You've read some of the stuff that I post on here. It's all melodrama, lol. I just think that there need to be a few lighter parts to make it feel like it's realistic. The conversation with her son was one of those moments that felt normal. I got that she was depressed, but she was still functioning. Otherwise it can be an emotional overload and the reader can't handle so much at once.

Here are a few of the specific points where I felt that way:

"I put a hand to my head, trying to ward off the sobs. A weight in my chest threatens to flatten me. I shake my head then rest it back on to the couch, trying to breath normally......" Sobs seemed like a bit much. Maybe just a different word choice would be more effective.

"Heart burning painfully, my soul cries out in anguish.
The seagulls do not dare to cry out, feared they be blown away with my anger and utter sorrow.
The world burns with a bright furocity. Red and blue, orange and white, searing my eyes and my heart.
Everything is too bright, too sharp, too colorful, too painful. My life is too empty... without him....." The whole prologue was a bit much for me (if it were a fantasy, it would be different). This last part was a little melodramatic. I could have done without the last line- it came across as a little cheesy to me. Your descriptions were pretty incredible though. I think it would work out well if you used them in different parts of the story, but spaced them out so that it isn't overwhelming.

"She scans my two items and mutters the amount softly, though for what reason, I can’t understand....." that wasn't melodramatic, but it confused me. What didn't she understand? Why was it strange that she muttered the amount? Just cut out the unnecessary stuff and you'll be fine.

Anyway, let me know if you have any more questions. I really like this, I think it's one of the best things you've written!

Erin | Wed, 04/17/2013

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

:)

I'm looking forward to reading more of this.
I would agree, though, about cutting back on the melodrama, but only a little. The heartache would be very real, but there's a little too much repetition of it, I think. I haven't seen any Nicholas Sparks movies to know how it is in those, though, but I wonder if watching them again would help, if you watch thinking about the amount of time spent on heavy emotions.

Kyleigh | Thu, 04/18/2013

Kyleigh: The Notebook is

Kyleigh: The Notebook is amazing. Watch it!!!

Erin | Thu, 04/18/2013

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

MUST WATCH THE NOTEBOOK!

Ditto to Erin, you MUST watch the Notebook, THE. BEST.

Thank you all a bunch!!! You cannot imagine how grateful I am to you all for reading, commenting, and critiquing! It is SO helpful; this is the first of my posts to get actual helpful critiques (I think?).

Erin: Thank you! I was really happy to see your comment and your points, I was seriously like: "Ooh! Good." LOL! So...

#1: "I put a hand to my head, trying to ward off the sobs. A weight in my chest threatens to flatten me. I shake my head then rest it back on to the couch, trying to breath normally......" Would it be better if I put: "I put a hand to my head, trying to ward off the feelings..." I guess I don't need the "Put my hand to my head" part at all. Maybe just: "Today's return of feelings has begun to take it's toll. [There's] A weight in my chest threatens to flatten me. I shake my head, and then rest it back on to the couch with a shaky sigh." Okay... maybe this is even more melodramatic than before? But then it would explain that her overwhelming feelings of sadness aren't too regular. Maybe?

#2: "Heart burning painfully, my soul cries out in anguish.
The seagulls do not dare to cry out, feared they be blown away with my anger and utter sorrow.
The world burns with a bright furocity. Red and blue, orange and white, searing my eyes and my heart.
Everything is too bright, too sharp, too colorful, too painful. My life is too empty... without him....."
Okay, so I totally agree! I think I might want to take out the seagul part, personally I wasn't sure about that line either... Now that I read it... it's like "Seaguls? Seriously?" LOL! So, I will take that out. LOL! And I think I might take out the "Without him" so that is doesn't sound cheesy, I don't want it to sound cheesy. Thank you! I would like to keep the color part in though... because the prologue is suppose to be... like... right as she has lost her husband, when she found out. So... I wanted to capture all those sudden overwhelming emotions, almost like she was hit by a wave... because when you loose someone suddenly... I wanted to capture, total numbness and then being smacked with raw and painful emotions... I don't know if I accomplished that. If not, let me know how I can convey that differently! Thank you sooooo much!

#3: "She scans my two items and mutters the amount softly, though for what reason, I can’t understand....." Yeah, I don't know why I did this either... I want to go back and change it :P Thanks!

THANK YOU!!! I love you Erin! You are awesome at critiquing, has anybody told you this already? If they haven't they need to be smacked. LOL! I love constructive-criticism, and you are seriously the best at it! Your suggestion are so helpfull... Sooo you should really consider being an editor or something :P

Kyleigh: Thank you! Thank you! Yes, I totally agree that I should watch all the movies, all over again, totally! LOL! :) Wonderful suggestion. I shall watch them for book research ;) ;) But really, Erin is soooooo true! WATCH THE NOTEBOOK! Really, really, really, really well done. It's not just a sweet story, but it's also fabulously done, like... you know? LOL, it's hard to explain :P The filmography is good. Also you should watch The Lucky One... Okay that one has like... probably a LOT more visually graphic scenes... but easy to skip over... BUT REALLY GOOD STORY! My mom started crying like... five to three minutes into the movie... haha. The Last Song made my dad bawl like a baby (though don't tell him I told you that :P) and it was... okay... It wasn't my favorite. I can't wait to watch Safe Haven though!
Another good drama/romance to watch would be P.S. I love you... AWMYGOODNESS!!!!
Okay, I'll stop now :D
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! LOL!
Seriously... Thank you.

Kassady | Thu, 04/18/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

First off, I'm glad that I

First off, I'm glad that I could be helpful. I also appreciate your comment about being an editor, because I'm actually considering that field.
I like this version:
"A weight in my chest threatens to flatten me. I shake my head, and then rest it back on to the couch with a shaky sigh."

I liked the part about the colors in the prologue, I was just pasting the whole thing. I didn't realize that she had JUST lost her husband in the prologue until I read your comment. It would probably be good if you kind of had an "intro", where it shows somebody actually telling her that her husband died. That way it might be clearer. :)

Erin | Fri, 04/19/2013

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Thank you.

Oh absolutely, I really think you should definitely pursue being an editor, if you love it. You really have a great talent for it, that's for certain! You're so constructive, and receiving your comments mean the world to me!

Right, I definitely think I should add something in the prologue. Or maybe like in the very beginning of the first chapter I could put "Four years later" or something, so that the reader can piece it all together, without... me having to give the reader everything at once. I always put too much information all at once, and I hardly ever hold back information... like other stories do. And I want to exercise that technique a bit more, hopefully with this story.

Thanks so much for your help! I really, super appreciate it!

Kassady | Fri, 04/19/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Hello, Bestfriend!! :D I may

Hello, Bestfriend!! :D

I may as well add to this, iffen ya don't mind!

The water churns and the waves crash against the rocks, salt water spraying the air, in a fine mist.

I taste salt water, but whether it is the sea spray or the hot tears which corse down my face, I do not know.

^ Those two sentences follow one another but they both basically sound the same to me. I might suggest taking the first one out and leaving the second. It basically says the same thing as the sentence before without re-using the same words.

That's about all for the prologue, including the things Erin and Kyleigh have mentioned. Oh! And I really like the one-word breaks between the longer sentences. (e.g. Numb. Why? Time. Emptiness. Scream). I really like that Scream, for whatever reason. :)

In the second paragraph of the first chapter, wallet is used several times. If you can, you might want to replace a couple of those, or take it out.

I love how you capitalize Him. Like she's afraid to say his name. Love it!

As I've stated before, I love this:

Though I have lived outside of the small town of Southport, Maine, for four years now, the people still have an excited interest in me. I’m the gossip of the whole Boothbay Harbor, and it’s no wonder. My entrance to the Southport area was very dramatic and romanticized.

Just that whole thing sounds so...novel-ish. You know. Like you'd pick up a book and flip to a page and there that sentence would be!! :D Adore it.

Love the sliding glass door bit.

She’s not Theresa. Rachel doesn’t skirt around me and my emotions, she digs in mercilessly, she brings out the problems and analyses each part with a sickening fascination which has alway disturbed me. The only thing is, she takes me apart and then can’t apply synthesis.

^ Again, so wonderfully bookish! I absolutely love it! Only critique would be either a dash -- or a semi colon after mercilessly.

left to drown in my tears. I’m left in pieces and right here left is repeated within close proximity of one another.

The "never understood what he saw in you" seems awfully abrupt, when she was just being nice. Perhaps more of an argument before that would make it less so....

So reading on, I got that Rachel didn't really like her. But earlier, before she said that to Meriel, she seemed to almost like her.

“Oh good... because you’re my mom.”
I smile, “Yeah that would be weird.”

^ I love that bit! So cute!

Great work so far, Kass!! :D Keep writing it, please!!!

Love ya SSS! ;)
-Homey :D

Madeline | Fri, 04/19/2013

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

Love and Appreciate...

I love and appreciate all the wonderful critiques and editing! Thank you! I feel so lucky and happy about it all. Makes me feel like my story is worth writing, and that my writing is improving. Thanks to you all!

Thank you Homey!!!! So much!

For your first point: Maybe I could space those two lines out, take one line out and add it somewhere else in the story later on... because, *blush* I'm sort of vain and attached to those two lines :P Silly though it is. But they do sound redundant, so I will fix that, thank you!

Deleting some "wallet"s, ;) LOL! Thanks.

Ah, okay, I'll try to find a synonym for "left" :) thank you for pointing that out!

Yeah... I guess that line is abrupt isn't it...I'll try to fit in something a bit more so that it fits... And I might want to stick this in another chapter. But thank you for letting me know, LOL! Because my characters can seriously be abrupt :P unintentionally, of course. (You don't know I write abruptly at all *wink, wink*)

Thanks a million for all your compliments and encouragement, I seriously feel super proud! Especially when you say those lines are very "Book-ish" Thank you! Thank you! I think my head swelled a few sizes bigger :P and I'm really excited.
Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do in Chapter two... so far its really dull and boring, so I need to fix that!

THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU! I'm so excited. I have the best team of editors in the world and I feel so grateful and lucky. Seriously, Erin, Kyleigh AND Homey! I'm at the heart of good-writing-dom! The professionals are reading and liking, and helping my story grow... EEKS! I feel like I've won some sort of writing prize :P
Thank you all, SO MUCH! And thank you Abigail for reading and commenting and helping me grow! I hope to return the favor soon!
I love you all so much for this (just this, nothing else :P LOL. J/k). !
Thank you! (I could never express my gratitude more fervently.)

Kassady | Sat, 04/20/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
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Write On!

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