Poetry.

A Poem By Kassady // 9/29/2015

It's a long way back,
Since I just now emerged from the bramble,
The dark forest sitting, daunting, behind,
Leaving the shivers down my spine,
As a reminder of my path already trekked,
Please God, don't make me go back,
Don't want to get caught up,
Again stuck in those spider webs.
***
Sweat trickles into the gentle fuzz that encircles my head,
Ebony curls frizz with such heat,
Eyes looking out, memories trigger,
Words, they come out as a shout,
As I remember how you sat,
How my heart raced,
Dread, excitement, anger, and desperation,
The bible of my mind, scrambling.
You were my Achilles heel,
And I wanted to devastate, dominate, my fears,
Blow them all away.
***
You are like the inspiration that doesn't come out right,
On the page,
And you are the muse that I just can't,
Type down,
Pull out a magic trick or two if I could,
But our plutonic admiration of each other's hard,
To capture.
Hard to show how much I care about you,
So much,
I would never (maybe) consider anything that could,
Ruin this,
And you are the one that slips without description,
Your laughing lips so hard to pin to the page.
****
can you look past the end of your nose, I wonder?
stupidity is the result of narrow sight,
how can you see if you look towards the sky,
do you know how funny you look?
it would be hilarious, if you weren't bumping into everyone,
blaming them for getting in your way.

Comments

Yay! I'm glad to see you post

Yay! I'm glad to see you post again. A couple of suggestions:

First off, I would take the commas out of all of these poems. You don't need them, rhythmically or grammatically. It would increase the readability because you could go with the natural breath spots, rather than making it somewhat choppy.

"And you are the muse that I just can't,
Type down,
Pull out a magic trick or two if I could,
But our plutonic admiration of each other's hard,
To capture." This comes off a little awkwardly, especially that second to last line. Maybe try rearranging it something like this:

"And you are the muse that I just can't
Type down
I'd pull out a magic trick or two if I could
But our shared platonic admiration is hard
To capture" Just a suggestion, of course!

"Your laughing lips so hard to pin to the page." love this line. I also love the last poem! Again, happy to see you post again!

Erin | Tue, 09/29/2015

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

:)

I really like the first part.

Commas: I agree with Erin that some of them were awkward... but I liked others. Using the first bit as an example:

"It's a long way back (I'd take this one out)
Since I just now emerged from the bramble,
The dark forest sitting, daunting, behind,
Leaving the shivers down my spine,
As a reminder of my path already trekked (and this one)
Please God, don't make me go back,
Don't want to get caught up (and this one)
Again stuck in those spider webs."

Not sure what about certain ones feels right and others don't, but I agree with Erin that it's choppy with all of them... but think some of them help the flow.

Kyleigh | Tue, 09/29/2015

Thank you both for your

Thank you both for your wonderful feedback, very helpful! I know, I am absolutely terrible when it comes to the grammatical correctness of comma's, always had difficulties with those!!! But thank you, I agree it can get really choppy in places!
P.S. Should I edit it up now? Or leave it up so people can see where your edits were placed?

Kassady | Wed, 09/30/2015

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Your poetry has improved

Your poetry has improved greatly, Kassady! Not that I have read any of your stuff over the past few months, but eh...this is the best that I have read of yours, truly.

Before I read Erin's and Kyleigh's comments, the commas (in especially the number two one) seemed over the top and redundant.
I think you should leave them in there, because then everybody gets to see the critique and learns :) One of the things I love about this website.
This was my favourite line: "Again stuck in those spider webs."
Other, but not quite favourites:
"Your laughing lips so hard to pin to the page."
"blaming them for getting in your way."

Maddi | Sat, 10/03/2015

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

Kassady!

I'm sorry I can't give you any critique, but I must say I like the way you describe certain things--second and third lines are the best of those!

Arthur | Wed, 10/07/2015

"My greatest wish for my writing is that it would point you to the Savior."

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