Snippet of New Story

Fiction By Kassady // 7/7/2013

A/N: A small snippet of my new story, hope you enjoy.

---It's not the incessant drops of rain, or the sharp stone jutting into my back that wakes me up, but the incessant sharp voice in my ear.

“Katie... Katie... Katieeee...”

The fog of sleep slips away as I feel my body being shaken back and forth, in a rocking motion, which would have been nice if it weren't for the rock which digs deeper and deeper every movement.

“Wake up, Katie, wake up.”

I open my eyes quickly, a raindrop falls on my nose. I blink rapidly, eventually making out the face of Maddie. I open my mouth to tell her to leave me alone, but she covers my mouth with her clammy hand. My eyes widen in both incredulity and fright. If her hands are clammy, that is a clear indication somethings terribly wrong. I sit up quickly, looking around for the monster.

Is it above the trees? Behind the trees? In the trees?

I look back at Maddie, confused, because I don’t see anything. “What’s wrong?”

Her eyes are wide with horror and panic, her lips twitch anxiously. This is definitely not like Maddie. “What’s wrong?” she seethes in a trembling voice. “What’s wrong? Boyd is missing!”

I look around again to where Boyd lay. The spot is empty, the only sign that he was there is matted down grass.

“And so is Josh and Laurie.”

I look over to their spots, panic quickly rising as I see none of them. Frantically I turn my head, this way and that. The only body left is Zeke’s, who lies innocently asleep. “Where... Where...” I jump to my feet, twisting and turning, unable to grasp this. They can’t be gone.... We’re a team... They’d never leave...Would they? “What...” I trail off again. “Where are they?”

Maddie stands up and glares at me, “Well I wouldn’t know, would I?”

“Sorry it’s just that...” I look around, “Where are they?”

“Do you think they were attacked?”

I shake my head in bewilderment, “Possibly.” I look over at Zeke, fast asleep, “C’mon, let’s wake Zeke up.”

Maddie I crouch beside him, she shakes and I whisper his name in his ear.
His eyes flash open, and then he blinks rapidly, trying to blink away the rain, looking at me strangely. “What-”

Maddie quickly covers his mouth, his eyes widen in disbelief at her, then his stare turns to panic. He stands up quickly before we can hold him down, he looks are at the surrounding trees, arming himself with Josh’s makeshift spear, “Where is it?” he hisses, an excited gleam in his eye.

I put a hand on his arm gently and carefully, forcing him to look at me, “Zeke, there’s no monster.”

He frowns, eyebrows coming together, looking exactly like Josh.

“Zeke,” Maddie puts her hand on his other arm, “Now don’t freak out.” He nods. “Okay, well, um... Boyd, Laurence and Josh are... are missing.”

His eyes widen and he walks away from us, turning in circles with a panic stricken face. “Where...” he shook his head, gritting his teeth, “Monsters!”

“Shh!” Maddie shushes him, looking around at the trees, wiping the rain out of her eyes. “Now listen-”

“Wait,” he looks down at the ground and points to something in the dirt, “there’s tracks here, hoof prints. Hoof prints are everywhere... and they lead...” he trails off, walking off briskly, eyes on the ground.

“Zeke!” I call in a hoarse whisper as he starts to run off after the tracks. “Oh God.”

“Zeke!”

I reach down and grab the weapons scattered around our sleeping place. “We have to stop him before he kills himself.”

“I know,” Maddie growls angrily.

We set off running after Zeke. It’s not until he has to pause to follow the tracks around a tree that we catch up. He’s` aglow with an unexplainable excitement, his eyes narrowed in determination, his cheeks bright pink.

“Zeke,” I gasp, trying to keep up, “Wait up!”

He looks over his shoulder, and slows, “Keep up slow pokes.” He laughs.

“Zeke!” Maddie raises her voice threateningly, “Enough. You’ve gotta stop, we need to talk this...” she breaths, “out!”

He shakes his head, sending water flying from his short dirty blonde hair. “But if we stop...” he takes a few deep breaths, clearly audible, even with the sound of us crashing through the undergrowth, “Something bad might happen to them.”

“We don’t even know where we’re going,” I explain helplessly, feeling as if I'm trying to persuade a wall to move. I look over at Maddie for help, but she only looks at me with wide eyes.

“Josh has the scroll.”

The last of whatever hope I had left sunk to the bottom of my stomach, heavy and useless.

I guess that settles that, I think, No stopping now.
......

Comments

First of all, LOVE Maddie's

First of all, LOVE Maddie's name...

haha.

Anyway, this'll be interesting to see how it pans out. Stephanie Meyer didn't write Twilight in traditional order. Is that what you're going to do with this?

So! I didn't really garner much from this excerpt other than they're in the woods somewhere...people are missing...there's a monster...hehe. ;)

I don't really feel any sense of suspense, because I don't know these characters and I'm not connected to them. I think that getting to know them before this happens will help with that.

Interesting start! There were a couple spots here-and-there that needed some correcting. Like, you used incessant twice in the opening line. (Don't blame ya! Awesome word, that). And besides that, there are a few places where the wording is slightly awkward.

The fog of sleep slips away as I feel my body being shaken back and forth, in a rocking motion, which would have been nice if it weren't for the rock which digs deeper and deeper every movement.

Here's an alternative:

The fog of sleep slips away as soon as I'm aware of my body gently being rocked back and forth--which would be nice if there wasn't a stone (alt. something firm) digging into my back.

All that comes down to is personal preference. Like, my version you might be like, "Ugh! That's awful!" LOL! Which is fine! Yours is far from awful--not even close--but the wording is a bit slippery and slightly repetitive.

I also might point out sentences like these:

I open my eyes quickly, a raindrop falls on my nose.

In that case a comma seems misplaced, since they're two separate thoughts. I don't know if it's grammatically correct but it reads too abruptly.

I open my eyes quickly and a raindrop falls on my nose

or

I open my eyes quickly right as a raindrop falls on my nose

are just a couple ways you could re-word them without having to do two sentences. :) And I'm sure there are a few more, too.

My eyes widen in both incredulity and fright.

Listing two emotions/actions one right after the other are harder for me to process. I love the word choice, but I might separate these two slightly to make it more distinct. Because in listing them like that, I often forget the first feeling she had--the incredulity, which is great--and focus on the fright.

So maybe have the incredulity come first and the fright later, whatever you prefer. I feel like if they're within such a close distance they often end up competing. (Like I said, my completely PERSONAL opinion! I don't know if others will feel the same or if I'm even correct).

I think that's all! I hope I haven't discouraged you in any way, since this is just the rough draft. I know you're so excited to start this new story, and I'm excited for you! I can't wait to see how the plot-planning goes. I know it'll probably make writing it easier. :)

Keep it up, my friend! You're so awesome!

Love ya SSS!
-Homey

Madeline | Mon, 07/08/2013

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:)

I really like this. It's pretty exciting. It sort of reminds me of a movie called 'How to Train Your Dragon'. I'm not the best critique, so I guess I'll just agree with what Homey said. Keep writing!

- Susannah

Susannah | Mon, 07/08/2013

"Even if the sun crashes into earth, I won't let go, I won't let go. I can be your light, stay with me tonight, I won't let go, I won't let go."

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Homey: Thank you so much for your encouragement and critiques! I TOTALLY agree with you and the wording of things, I know this is my first draft (and the Plot Whisperer tells me my first draft doesn't need to be perfect, arg, so hard!) but I totally! The wordings a little stiff, and I'll definitely fix those things.
Sorry, yeah this is just a snippet from in the story. I'm writing scene's that I'm inspired to write and then in the end putting them all together, filling in the blanks, that sort of stuff. So I guess it'll be a lot like Twilight, in that way, and that the story was inspired by a dream :P That's SO cool to think about :P Again, I apologize, I haven't written the first chapter, and haven't finished the prologue, so that needed character development is missing.
But you pretty much got the gist, their in the woods, their friends are missing, and there are monsters!
Thanks so much! I love your comments, especially when you include critiques, it makes me know that your a REAL reader and not just someone (like my siblings) which reads and compliments, not really all that interested but trying to make me feel good :P
Haha, Maddie is an AWESOME name, and actually the character is based (Sorta.... but not really) on you, since you were in my dream (haha, I'll have to share it with you when your over sometime, if you want), it was a REALLY weird dream.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
Suzannah: Thanks so much for reading, I'm glad it's interesting enough to read, that's pretty much what I wanted to make sure, in posting this.
Thank you again!

Kassady | Mon, 07/08/2013

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

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