On A Theme of Not-in-Love

A Poem By Kassady // 4/27/2016

I am kissed
By the sun
I am embraced
By the dark
I am serenaded
by the wind
But I am not in love
with you
The sun shines
upon me
The moon glows
upon me
But I am not in love
with you
The breeze blows
around me
The silence stands
around me
But I'm not affected by you
around me
Sun kissed skin tingles
Darkness embraced nights
Silence listens to my cries
And the wind sings soft lullabies
I am not in love
with you
Yet I love you
I kiss through my fingertips
I lie through my eyes
I embrace through my laughter
And gently my smile cries
I am not yours
or with you
I am kissed
by the moon
That kisses away my tears
I am embraced
by the sun
That's warm touch heals
And oh silence listen to my fluttered words
I am serenaded
by the wind
That carries my dreams to other worlds
For I cannot be in love
with you
___
Words like rain drops flow
dropping upon your eager ears
Truth finally becoming clear
And I admit
Stumbling on these heavy secrets
Secrets I've kept from my myself
That I will love but cannot be in love
For the sake of myself
And what I want over what could be just lust

Comments

I liked a lot of parts of

I liked a lot of parts of this! I'm just gonna point out a few ways that I think it could be improved:
You tended to be inconsistent with your capitalization. I'm sure it was partially because Word capitalizes things against your will (I run into that problem often). Just keep an eye on that and decide what you need to be capitalized and what kind of punctuation you want. In the second section, I would get rid of the commas completely. It isn't grammatically/syntactically correct to use commas unless you're using grammar the same way you would in a sentence. The best way to check for this is simply to read the poem as a sentence, like I've done below:

Words like rain drops flow, dropping upon your eager ears, truth finally becoming clear, and I admit, stumbling on these heavy secrets, secrets I've kept from my myself, that I will love but cannot be in love, for the sake of myself, and what I want over what could be just lust.

See how it just becomes a super run-on? You could either eliminate the commas and keep it as free verse, which would clean it up quite a bit, or you could try to re-word it to basically make it into a prosaic sentence that is broken by line.

Also:

I am kissed
By the sun
I am embraced
By the dark
I am appreciated,--This is a somewhat ambiguous compared to the action verbs that you used in the prior two lines as well as the one after this.
By the silence
I am serenaded
by the wind

This section:
And I am not loving
Upon you--I see that you were trying to parallel the moon glowing upon you, but it just doesn't work in this context, or at least not with these words.

effected--should be affected

Good job on this! I think by making some small changes you'll be able to make it a lot stronger. I hope my comments don't seem harsh--I just think this has a lot of potential!! Good to see you posting again :)

Erin | Fri, 04/29/2016

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Haha yes!!!! I shall get

Haha yes!!!! I shall get started on editing right away!
No you don't seem harsh at all, I absolutely love your edits!!!
Also do you have a better word for "appreciated" I could not figure out for the life of me how to add another line without it sounding slightly odd! Hahaha!!! Thanks, I get rid of that "upon you" part.
I really appreciate your edits, thanks again!!!

Kassady | Sun, 05/01/2016

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Honestly, I would just get

Honestly, I would just get rid of those two lines. I don't think they're vital to the poem.

Erin | Sun, 05/01/2016

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

Erin - Awesome, critiques

Erin - Awesome, critiques taken to heart and work edited!!! Thank again, I love your edits, you're really really good at it!

Kassady | Sun, 05/08/2016

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

Aw, thank you! I'm glad you

Aw, thank you! I'm glad you found them helpful!

Erin | Sun, 05/08/2016

"You were not meant to fit into a shallow box built by someone else." -J. Raymond

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