A Prayer on my relationship with God

An Essay By Keri // 12/10/2009

 

Dear God,

We haven't spoken since July. I have only spoken to you. Something is wrong with me. I used to be able to talk to you and know with my heart that you heard me. now, I talk and I feel as if I were talking to myself. I still know that you hear. But I know it the way I know that you know my every thought.

Lord of all Creation and maker of my soul. what am to do? When I pray "out loud" it feels like I am putting on a performance. I believe they can hear it in my voice too. I know all the right words to say "help us all to do the right thing", "wrap your arms around her", thank you for purchasing our citizenship in heaven". but I feel none of it. I am a whitewashed tomb. I am like the Pharisees in the way that I seem so perfect on the outside. I feel nothing inside. all my joy is a show.

For a while, I had a relationship with you. I want it back. I know that you are willing. I believe that I am willing too. Am I willing enough? I must not be. But how can I be more willing when every part of me aches for me to come back into your arms?

What is wrong with me? I don't even feel anymore do I? How can the Holy Spirit guide in the best way to comfort my friend who is hurting so much right now when I can't feel it's guiding power? I know everything that someone raised in the church should know. I believe everything I have read in your word. But I don't feel it.

I haven't felt the wonder of Christmas for many years. now. What can I do? Oh Father, you sent your son, your very self, down to earth in human form so that he could die and take away my sins and the sins of the world and I don't even really care when I come to think of it. I want to care. I want to care so very much. But I can't. but you can make me. You can help me.

Nothing is possible without you. Therefore, I can't restore my relationship with you.

Everything is possible with you. Therefore, you can work in my heart and bring me back to you.

You made everything that ever was. You can make me whole.

You scattered the nations. You can scatter my self-doubt.

You parted the Red Sea. You can part the hardness in my heart.

You made the walls of Jericho fall. You can make the walls around my feeling disappear.

You entered into the earth as a human. You can enter into my heart as the Holy Spirit.

You healed the lame. You can heal my broken spirit.

You made blind eyes see. You can open the eyes of my heart.

You chose twelve special apostles. You can use me for something too.

You rose from the dead after we killed you. You can rise and knock some sense into me.

In your great and powerful name,

Amen

Comments

Absolutely loved it

I had pretty much the same experience in the past six months. Thank you for posting this. :)

Maethorwen (not verified) | Sun, 12/13/2009

Wow...

Thank you for putting this up, Keri. This really made me think and just sit down to have a moment with God. Thank you....

Ariel | Fri, 12/18/2009

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"To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme. No great and enduring volume can ever be written on the flea, though many there be that have tried it." -- Herman Melville

Thank you so much for this.

Thank you so much for this. This is partly what I had trouble dealing with a while back. Again, thank you so much.

Lucy Anne | Wed, 04/18/2012

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

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