Circles and Spheres

An Essay By Keri // 1/24/2011

As I stood in the doorway, I searched the crowd. I was looking to see if anyone I wanted to see was there; if it would be worth entering the room. I saw her sitting there.

She was alone at the table. Everyone must have just left. I stand there for a moment, just looking. But I was there for too long. She looked up and saw me. We didn't make eye contact per se but I saw her looking at me as I looked at her.

Then I did it. I don't know what she must have thought of me, but I had to do it. I turned around and left. I walked slow, taking in what I had just done. Wondering if she would ever know the full grasp of it. Of course, I could not have gone in, sat down next to her and pretended it was all ok. If I had, I would have just been letting myself down.

am done with her and the group of people who are her friends. And the people who I once thought my friends. I don't want much to do with them anymore. So why do I feel so sad at this action? Why was it so hard to make? Do I deep down want to keep going through the torture being their friend is? Do I secretly love it? No, I have always hated it. I bet it's because I have never ended a friendship before. And now, in one fell blow, I am ending a friendship with many people. Not, of course, it was ever a real friendship with most of them. That's why I'm done.

I am done leaving the table feeling depressed and bitter that no one said goodbye to me. I am done doing little favors for them and receiving maybe a thank you but never real thanks. I am done with hateful glances at something I said because I they don't get my humor. I am done with it all. I don't need to put myself through the torture of trying to fit in when I know they all don't like me. I am done feeling sad.

But will I ever stop feeling sad? How will I ever stop regretting? Is it me that is the real problem? I talked it over with my real friends and they told me that they didn't even get how anyone didn't like me. Not that I believe their views are true. But if anyone thinks that about someone then how can someone think the exact opposite about someone.

I'm a nice person; I try to be warm and welcoming. Kind and considerate, that's me. I am relatively intelligent and I don't have any real problems with being socially awkward. But I guess it could be me. But wait, there are people in that group who are a lot like me and they are accepted with open arms. So it isn't me? It has to be somehow me.

This is why I'm done. I need to put the wondering behind me, make new friends. Ones that won't be sucked into a group and then turn to disdain me. 

Hours later, after all this mind wandering and self searching, second guessing and pain, one thought that hasn't come yet comes. Now that it has come I don't know why it didn't occur to me before. After all, isn't it why I finished with them? But, I am free. I'm not just done with it all and them and the actual pain they put me through, I am free of it. Free.

Comments

Interesting

A really touching piece. Very interesting...

Julie | Tue, 01/25/2011

Formerly Kestrel

I thought maybe this was a

I thought maybe this was a story about someone else until I saw that it was an essay.  Keri, I'm so sorry; are you okay?

Bridget | Tue, 01/25/2011

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question." - Harun Yahya

A very interesting and

A very interesting and well-written essay on a hard topic...I know what that wondering, wondering can be like.

Annabel | Tue, 01/25/2011

 oh Keri, I'm sorry. *hugs*

 oh Keri, I'm sorry. *hugs* I've often felt that way too.

Renee | Wed, 01/26/2011

And you wonder and wonder,

And you wonder and wonder, and in the end, you have to let it go...

Yeah. I get it.

Anna | Thu, 01/27/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

Dang, you're good.

I hate it when that  happends. Is this based on a true story?

I am Nate-Dude | Fri, 01/28/2011

Nate-Dude

Unfriendly 'friends' are the

Unfriendly 'friends' are the most annoying sort!

Sarah | Fri, 01/28/2011

"Sometimes even to live is courage."
-Seneca

Blogging away!
busyscribbler.wordpress.com

Wow

 You guys have no idea how special it it to me that you responded the way you did. 

Kestrel: Thanks for letting it touch you. 

Bridget: Thanks for caring love, I'm fine. The first weeks were a we bit odd but I've now figured it all out and am way happier without those people weighing me down.

Annabel: I hope that you aren't wondering and wondering anymore. I found out that it'snot too healthy :P

Renee: *hugs back* I hope you don't feel that way now!

Anna: I'm glad you got it :)

Nate-Dude: Thanks! Yes, it's what happened to me a few days after I chose to leave a group of "friends" behind me and try to move forward.

Sarah: Yes, yes they most certainly are!

Again, thank I thank all of you so so much for responding the way you did. 

 

Keri | Thu, 02/03/2011

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