November- Here I Am
So here I am. Wow. God, you are incredible. Guys, look at me! Mom, Dad, Is this real? Do you see it too? I'm happy again. I know, I can't believe it either. It's so amazing that I shouldn't just be happy, but so phenomenally, deeply, and purely happy. Have I ever felt so at peace before? You tell me. I don't think it's quite possible.
God, you have given me such a lovely little mountain after walking with me so long in the valley. Thank you for Mathew. Thank you for my jobs, for my friends, for being with me. Thank you for this peace and for my freedom from what was pulling me down.
One year ago, I wrote an essay saying how someone had changed my life forever. I asked myself how I could have kept from loving him. Easily enough, as it turned out. Most of that was self delusion. I wanted to believe I loved him because, well, what else was love? As it turned out, love was not having some guy barely care about you and lead you on to believe that everything you did was wrong and clingy and he just needed more space. Love was not having a dark cloud of worry over you that if you asked him to show you if he cared about you that he'd leave you. Love was not what I felt for him. I could have loved him if he had let me. I know that now. Mathew showed me.
Mathew showed me love. He shows me love in everything he does. The way he looks at me, the way he touches me, the way he holds me. Even the way he texts me or talks to me or anything shows me how much he deeply cares for and loves me. I was happy in life before I had him. Now, I'm beyond happy. I'm immersed in joy and love and smiles even when I'm tired and my job is bringing me down and I feel like I have no friends. Mathew loves me. Now, I can't imagine happiness without him. He is such a wonderful gift from above. Oh, Jesus, thank you thank you thank you so much. I love Mathew.
Somehow, I am at peace. I am at peace in everything. We don't have enough for the mortgage, and I'm the only one in the house with a job? That's okay. God will provide. And, really, life could be so much worse. I mean, life was so much worse. If our only problems for now are money things, thank God. Mom isn't sick anymore. Robert is free from that girl who tried so hard to ruin everything about everything for him. Dad will find another job someday. I'm an aunt! I'm getting to know my family even though I feel like I'm busy all the time.
Look at me! I didn't see my family for more than 15 minutes in a day before. When I did, it was sadness. Now I tutor my little sister in math, and get to learn myself. I have long talks with my brother. Turns out, my dad is actually a pretty cool guy when you get to know him. I even have money in the bank.
In September, I got to go on an actual grown up vacation with my best friends. We budgeted and afforded a hotel on the beach and played in a hat shop and ate expensive Italian cuisine. We sat in a car in the middle of the night and cried our eyes out while pouring our hearts out. We had been pulling apart before that trip. Now, it feels like I have my best friends again. My beautiful, fun, caring, wonderful Shawnie and Katie. Look at them, they are me, they are a part of my joy.
Do you see all this? I can't stop being astonished at how much I am blessed by my wonderful Savior. I'll get breathless and stopped in my tracks when I see how much Mathew loves me. And when I see how much Katie or Shawnie loves me. Or Robert, or Marybeth, or my family. even at how much I love each of them. But, just think-- oh my gosh guys-- this isn't even close to how much Christ loves me. This is a glimpse of how much he loves me. It's a gift showing h ow much he loves me. Can you imagine? I can't. I can't even begin. I can only be amazed and happy and thankful.