If Middle-Earth Entered the 21st Century (Revised)
Arassuil II, grandson of Aragorn Telcontar, fixed his gaze on Halmir and Gilloth. "Remember, don't lose your temper, no matter how this woman tries your patience."
Halmir fingered his sword hilt. "Rather would I ride to battle like my forefather Éomer than sit and listen to insults of our land and ancestors, but I will attempt to restrain myself."
"Kathy Green, Representive of the United Nations, to see King Arassuil II of Gondor, Halmir King of Rohan, and Gilloth of the remnant of the Eldar."
"Enter," Arassuil called.
Katy's black suit jacket and knee-length skirt surprised the three. "I'm sorry it took so long, but I had to advertise on fanfiction.net for someone with knowledge of the Angethras and the Common Speech." She babbled on, "It's rather pretentious to call it the Common Speech, isn't it? And I always thought English was too wide-spread."
"Ahem," Halmir cleared his throat. "Can we see the recommendations?"
"Of course," Katy handed the paper to Gilloth. His eyebrows disappeared under his hairline in shock. "Replace the terms 'Moriquendi' and 'Calaquendi' with 'Remnant' and 'Emigrant?' That's denying the essential difference between the Umanyar and the Eldar!"
Halmir peeped over the Elf's shoulder; his expression vaulted between horror and humor. "Attempt to assimilate the Wild Men to the Roherric lifestyle. Encourage intermarriage where practical?"
Arassuil stood up. "Give it to me."
Gilloth quickly relinquished the paper, eying it like a venomous spider.
"Increase warg numbers by a conservation program? Attempt to lower rates of drinking, smoking, and overeating among the Shirefolk? Have you ever met the Halflings, Katy?"
"Since you mentioned that, I think 'Halflings' is a belittling term…"
Arassuil ignored her. "And this? Suggesting Halmir and I surrender our thrones and hold…what's this mean…'democratic elections?'"
"Hereditary monarchy is so outdated," Katy smiled. "As is the use of horsemen in battle."
Arassuil saw Halmir's eyes flash. Elbereth, antëa nin saile.1 "Even though the Dark Lord Sauron was destroyed, the Southrons and Eastlings are still a threat…"
"Racism, my Lord Arassuil, is not to be tolerated in any age."
Arassuil clenched his teeth and continued reading. Require carbon emissions payments from industrialized regions…pay the Ringbearer's heirs for pain and suffering. Encourage reconciliation between Dwarves and Elves—even the Valar have struggled with that one!
"I also have some personal suggestions. Since the release of the Lord of the Rings film trilogy, Legolas has developed quite a following in my world. Perhaps you could contact the Mirkwood elves about developing a line of Legolas Greenleaf hair products. The eagles of Man-way could transport the products."
"I Manwon soroni colé findessën engwe! Gilloth screamed. "Uairë nér!"2
"Is that Elvish?" Katy asked. "It sounds so…flowing."
"It's Quenya, one of several elven dialects. Sindarin is more commonly used, but Quenya goes back to the days of the first elves…" Arassuil trailed off, less Katy ask for a translation.
"Ah. And I've heard of a pale-en-tear thing…Apple® would pay a fortune to learn its secrets. I can imagine it now…introducing…the iBall®!"
Gilloth leaned over. "Pólanye níra se lalyé?"3
"You are interested in the palantiri?" Arassuil smiled. "Would you like to see the Anor-stone? I'm sure you have the strength of will necessary to pull it to a task besides seeing Denethor's burning hands."
Katy stepped back, her face pale as simbelmynë. "Er…I must be going. Urgent business in Palestine, you understand. If you need anything give me a Tweet on my Blackberry." She quickly backed out of the hall.
Gilloth smiled. "Does she claim to understand the birds as some of my folk do?"
"Well, her suggestion regarding the Eagles…" Arassuil muttered. "So, do we still wish to join their 'modern world?'"
The three exchanged glances.
"No!" They said in unison.
"I am content in the Fourth Age. " Halmir added. "This 21st century is far too confusing for me."
All Quenyan dialogue is original and adapted from Ardalambion's Quenya course. Any mistakes are mine.
1 Elbereth, give me wisdom
2 The Eagles of Manwe carrying hair products (literally 'things for hair')! Unholy woman!"
3 Can you force her to leave?