If Middle-Earth Entered the 21st Century…

An Essay By Julie // 5/10/2009

If Middle-Earth Entered the 21st Century…
· Frodo would sue the Counsel of Elrond for pain, suffering, and failure to disclose information.
· Tom Bombadil would be institutionalized or become a cult leader.
· Beorn the shape-changer would become a spokesman for human-ursine relations.
· Departed elves would replace “dead white males” as objects of blame.
· Eowyn would command the Rohyrrim, wile Eomer married Ghan-Bur-Ghan’s daughter.
· The Shire and the Elven kingdoms would receive carbon credits from Sauron and Saruman.
· 20/20 vision would mean twenty leagues for elves.
· Apple would release the Ipalantir, a.k.a the Iball.
· Wargs would be classified as an endangered species.
· Orcs would sue for discrimination.
· Ents, “forestry engineers,” would find the Entwives in Vermont.
· Gandalf Twitters Radgast the Brown using a Blackberry and escapes Isengard in minutes.
· The “color” hierarchy of Istari is overthrown as racist.
· Aragorn would be an “imperialist monarch” and be replaced by Beregrond.
· Hospitals would smell of athelas.
· Archery and fencing would be parts of PE class.
· The Rohirrim would star in historical reenactments and documentaries .
· Signs would be written in Tengwar and/or Angethas.
· The first zero-emissions airline is founded by the Eagles of Manwe.
· Bartering solves the economic crisis.
· Elven cloaks and hithlum ropes are standard military issue.
· Galadriel’s dust solves famines.
· Feanor’s star is the national emblem.
· Dwarves and Elves would be forced to attend reconciliation classes.
· Moria would become a storage site for nuclear waste.
· Social security benefits would be limited to those over 55 hundred.
· Robes would replace jeans.
· Legolas becomes the spokesman for Mirkwood Shampoo.
· The Balrog hangs out at summer camps to roast marshmallows for s’mores.
· Sindarin and Quenya replace Spanish as language electives.
· The Long Siege of Angband would make six or seven years in Iraq a non-issue.
· Dwarf-tossing would replace discus at track and field.
· Joe Battila and other financial experts would advise buying mithril.
· New-Agers would worship the Flame of Anor.
· The sun would be a female fruit and the moon a male flower.
· Elanor and niphredil would be as common as roses and daisies.
· Hobbits would be considered high-risk for heart attacks and lung cancer.
· The mallorn of the Shire and the White Tree of Gonder would rival the Washington cherry trees.

Comments

ha! Very funny! I especially

ha! Very funny! I especially like the part about Gandalf Twittering. :P
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I've never seen a purple cow,
I never hope to see one.
But I can tell you anyhow;
I'd rather see than be one.

Sarah | Sun, 05/10/2009

"Sometimes even to live is courage."
-Seneca

Blogging away!
busyscribbler.wordpress.com

Ha! :D

I was in stitches the entire time! This is great... I wish it were true (or some of them, anyway).

"Ents, “forestry engineers,” would find the Entwives in Vermont."
Ah, so that's where they were! Or maybe they all moved to California and became the Redwoods. :)

"Gandalf Twitters Radgast the Brown using a Blackberry and escapes Isengard in minutes."
I agree, that is great. "Hey, I get great reception from up here!"

"Hospitals would smell of athelas."
That wouldn't be bad...

"Archery and fencing would be parts of PE class."
They already do! I've taken both of them! :)

"The Balrog hangs out at summer camps to roast marshmallows for s’mores."
Um, okay... O_O

Sarah B. | Sun, 05/10/2009

The "IBall," is one of my

The "IBall," is one of my favorites, I wasn't even thinking 'eyeballs' when I originally wrote it...
---
The Word is alive/and it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless/and afraid...

~"The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns

May my words be a light that guides others to the True Light and Word.

Julie | Sun, 05/10/2009

Formerly Kestrel

For the sakes of all

For the sakes of all Middle-Earthians involved- and myself- I'm glad LotR hasn't been Americanized. :)
That was hilarious...
*************************************************
"I for one am getting bored, and boredom is something up with which I will not put!" ~Phineas and Ferb

Anna | Sun, 05/10/2009

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

That was really funny. I

That was really funny. I didn't get all of it because I haven't read the entire series, but the ones I knew were hilarious. (notice how everyone is using that word?) Awesome job.

"Life is a series of idiots all trying to be more profound than the last idiot. And in a moment someone will come along and try to say something more profound than what I have just said." - unknown, to me anyway.

Bridget | Fri, 05/15/2009

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question." - Harun Yahya

Agree

Can you imagine how awful that would be? *shudders at the thought of Sauron paying carbon emission fees* It takes all the joy of villianry.
---
The Word is alive/and it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless/and afraid...

~"The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns

May my words be a light that guides others to the True Light and Word.

Julie | Sun, 05/10/2009

Formerly Kestrel

Haha...

I do wish hospitals smelled of Athelas. :)
And Apple's iBall... what a hoot. :)

-----
“The venerable dead are waiting in my library to entertain me and relieve me from the nonsense of surviving mortals.”
- Samuel Davies

Kyleigh | Mon, 05/11/2009

*muffled laugter*

Elven cloaks and hithlum ropes as standard military issue... I think I'd do a lot of shopping at the army surplus stores.

Eomer marries Gahn-bury-gahn's daughter!!?! Where do you come up with these things?

and frodo suing elrond's council... oh dear.

This was great!

"· Hospitals would smell of athelas." Maybe Aragorn could become a doctor after he got booted off his throne... :P

Hilarious. definately.

Anonymous | Wed, 05/13/2009

oops.

Didn't sign in. sorry. *Muffled Laughter* was me. I'm still giggling, actually...

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in't." ~Pelonius in "Hamlet"

Abbie | Wed, 05/13/2009

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in't." ~Pelonius in "Hamlet"

Mind if I add it?

Mind if I add the one about Aragorn becoming a doctor..I'd give you credit.
---
The Word is alive/and it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless/and afraid...

~"The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns

May my words be a light that guides others to the True Light and Word.

Julie | Fri, 05/15/2009

Formerly Kestrel

so funny!

Oh my goodness, that was hilarious!

I have another one:
"Lembas bread would replace chewing gum for weight loss programs."

~~~^@
Katie:-)

"We never need to be economical in our imaginations, thank heaven."
-Anne Blythe, "Anne of Ingleside"

KatieSara | Sat, 05/16/2009

Katie:-)

"Are all humans like this? So much bigger on the inside?"
-Idris/TARDIS

no problem

If you think it was good enough to include, I have no objections.

let me say again that this peice was hilarious.

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in't." ~Pelonius in "Hamlet"

Abbie | Sun, 05/17/2009

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in't." ~Pelonius in "Hamlet"

I think you should make this a book!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't know which one was the funniest!

I love the gandalf one!

And I didn't get the IBall intill I read all the comments, then remembered "Duh!" you were referring to Sorons eye! *smack face* :P

I loved this sooooooooooooooooo much! this was very creative and smart!

You must be a LOTR expert because I didn't remember half of the people you mentioned! ARHH!  But I'm glade you added in Tom Bombidil! I was so angry that the author never wrote more about him!!! *sob* I liked him! And I has mortified that they didn't put him in the movies! ARGG! *shaking fist*

This was great! You should absolutely make a book about this, well if you have time between writting other stories, LOL! ;)

Awesome and so brilliant!

 

"To each, Their own" ~I have no Idea?

Kassady | Tue, 02/08/2011

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
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Write On!