Love Victorious Pitches

Fiction By Kyleigh // 2/5/2013

I was planning on sending off another round of publishing queries at the beginning of January, but held off since I didn't want to join a possible flood of emails that publishers might have just after the holidays (maybe it doesn't happen, but I didn't want to risk it!). Then Port Yonder Press re-opened submissions for all of February. They don't allow simultaneous submissions, so I have to submit to them and then wait to hear back before I can send off the next round. Anyhow. Below are various pitches and queries - please critique!

Port Yonder Press pitch
This one I only have 3 sentences for, and need to include the genre in it.

While following the adventures of seventeen-year-old Fagan and his family, Love Victorious takes familiar themes of betrayal, romance, and redemption and reworks them into a world of fantasy. The year Fagan was born, the king abdicated his power to a charming but malevolent man who is bent on bringing destruction to Cathonys. As life in Cathonys grows more dangerous, Fagan must decide what price he is willing to pay for truth and justice to prevail in a world of wickedness.

1-paragraph summaries
30 word
The king of Cathonys has abdicated his authority, leaving the kingdom in the hands of a man who hates the Creator. Love Victorious follows a family through years of persecution as they work and pray to be rescued.

Seventeen-year-old Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and himself as he searches for answers, seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong in a time of great persecution, (when the king has abdicated his authority, leaving the kingdom in the hands of an infidel. As Fagan grows, he and his family work and pray to be rescued, longing to be free from their bondage to Fàolan and from their own sin. )

The year seventeen-year-old Fagan was born, the King abdicated his authority to an infidel named Fàolan. Now, followers of the Creator like Fagan face severe persecution. Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and himself as he searches for answers, seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong, even when it may cost him his life, or the lives of his family members. As Fagan grows, he and his family work and pray to be rescued, longing to be free from their bondage to Fàolan and from their own sin.

The year seventeen-year-old Fagan was born, the King abdicated his authority to an infidel named Fàolan. Since then, Fàolan has passed his own laws and persecuted followers of the Creator. Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and his own self as he searches for answers and seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong. As he grows to manhood, he finds that holding fast to the truth may cost him family, friends, and even his life. When he meets a stranger named Adan, Fagan wonders if he will save them. But is Fàolan all they need saving from? What will he have to give before peace is restored? Will love mend severed friendships, or are the wounds too deep to be healed? An allegorical re-telling of Christ’s death for sinners, Love Victorious follows Fagan and his friend Iain as they search for answers.

There is also a 1-page and a 3-page, but those are more tedious and also a lot easier to write - these are the ones I really feel I need a lot of help with!

Query #1
Set in the fantastical world of Edaled, Love Victorious is a tale filled with betrayal, sacrifice, suffering, and forgiveness. It is an allegorical re-telling of the biblical account of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection, told from the viewpoint of a seventeen-year-old boy named Fagan living through a time of persecution by an infidel king. Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and his own self as he searches for answers and seeks to find his place, tell others about the Creator, and discern right from wrong. As he grows to manhood, he learns that holding fast to the truth may cost him family, friends, and even his life. When he meets a stranger named Adan, Fagan wonders if he will save them. But is an illegitimate king all they need saving from? What will he have to give before peace is restored? Will love mend severed friendships, or are the wounds too deep to be healed? Love Victorious follows Fagan and his friend Iain as they search for answers.

Love Victorious is a book a teen can read to himself or the family can read aloud together, encouraging either group with challenges to follow Christ whole-heartedly and engage in biblical family life. It appeals to all ages and walks of life, having battles, gryphons, hints of romance, and moments of light-hearted fun. I pray it challenges readers to love their families, apply the Word of God to every area of life, and stand fast for Truth. Because it has such a broad audience, I believe Love Victorious would be very successful.

Love Victorious is a completed manuscript of around 300 typed, double spaced pages. It is the first in a set of three full-length novels, all of which focus on Christian family life, a biblical worldview, evangelism, and political situations similar to our own in America today.

I was raised in a family similar to Fagan’s, and many of the conversations in Love Victorious are based on discussions that really happened. I have lived and traveled all over the world, and am a teacher, daughter, and church member. Homeschooled from first grade through high school graduation, I learned to analyze everything through the lens of scripture, as the characters in Love Victorious do. This is my first time pursuing publication, but I have had multiple writing courses in school and have dedicated many hours developing the art and skill of creative writing.

I am honored by your consideration of my manuscript for publishing. Thank you for your time.

Another part for a query
Imagine a book a family could read aloud that would engage everyone, from the five-year-old up to the grandparents. Love Victorious is such a book. Addressing questions of submitting to government, biblical family, forgiveness, sacrifice, and evangelism, Love Victorious seeks to apply scriptural concepts to daily life. An allegorical re-telling of the life of Christ, Love Victorious follows a family as they interpret the events of the times through the lens of the Word of God. Theology is woven into conversation, and characters grapple with who the Creator is and what He desires them to be, a challenge to readers to ask the same of themselves.

Love Victorious is designed to encourage readers to think and grow along with the characters. Although fiction, it teaches many scriptural truths in a way that can speak more directly than a strictly theological work.
This is a completed manuscript with a word count of around 85,000 words. It is the first of a set of three full-length novels, all centering around Christian family life, a biblical worldview, and political situations similar to our own in America today.

The extra query bit are add-ins or replacements for different purposes, targeting different things with different publishers or meeting different requirements.

Comments

Hi Kyleigh! Ooh, good luck!

Hi Kyleigh!

Ooh, good luck! I've not read Love Victorious yet, but it sounds interesting. One pitch in particular really stuck out to me:

The year seventeen-year-old Fagan was born, the King abdicated his authority to an infidel named Fàolan. Now, followers of the Creator like Fagan face severe persecution. Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and himself as he searches for answers, seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong, even when it may cost him his life, or the lives of his family members. As Fagan grows, he and his family work and pray to be rescued, longing to be free from their bondage to Fàolan and from their own sin.

Now, followers of the Creator like Fagan face severe persecution

That line really interested me and made me want to read more. I think this pitch flowed the best and was clear and concise, although this sentence seems a bit long: Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and himself as he searches for answers, seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong, even when it may cost him his life, or the lives of his family members.

Would it be possible for you to break that up into two sentences, or is there a limit? I also thought the mention of Iain in the other pitches made me stumble a bit, since he hadn't been mentioned previously.

As for the Query letter, it sounds good! I like the first one the way it is, but I would probably add the word count in addition to 300 typed, double spaced pages. I've seen that in a few Queries.

Good, good luck! I'm far from practiced in pitch writing (it's so difficult!), but those are all the things that stuck out to me. Definitely keep us updated.

Thanks!
-Homey :)

Madeline | Tue, 02/05/2013

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:)

I really can't say anything, because I have no experience with these things, but Query One really caught my attention and made me want to read this book. You listed good reasons on why you thought this would be successful and what themes the story was about, which struck the cord of deep interest for me.

There were some parts I thought were a bit wordy though.

Seventeen-year-old Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and himself as he searches for answers, seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong in a time of great persecution, (when the king has abdicated his authority, leaving the kingdom in the hands of an infidel.

I think you should break the sentence in two and also, I don't think that putting what you said in parentheses is advisable, because since you put it in parentheses, to me, it makes that part seem rather unimportant.

Lucy Anne | Tue, 02/05/2013

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

:)

Homey: there wasn't a sentence limit on that, but a 100 word limit. Here it is again:

"The year seventeen-year-old Fagan was born, the King abdicated his authority to an infidel named Fàolan. Now, followers of the Creator like Fagan face severe persecution. In Love Victorious, Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and himself. He searches for answers, seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong, even when it may cost him his life or the lives of his family members. As Fagan grows, he and his family work and pray to be rescued, longing to be free from their bondage to Fàolan and from their own sin. "

As for the query, I think that one requested pages, not word count. I'll put them both in if I use it again, though.

Megan: I'm not sure what the parentheses were there for. They're not getting sent in any emails, but I don't know why I put them there. I think it may be because I then took that opening and put it with another second half.

I think most important right now is the 3-sentence one, though. Any further thoughts on that?

Kyleigh | Wed, 02/06/2013

:)

I finally got to commenting on this! Well, I'm not very experienced either, BUT I will give you my thoughts. :)

I liked the Port Yonder Press pitch; it did make me want to read the story (even though I have previously read it).

This one is good also: Seventeen-year-old Fagan struggles with unjust laws, betrayal, and himself as he searches for answers, seeks to find his place, serve the Creator, and discern right from wrong in a time of great persecution, (when the king has abdicated his authority, leaving the kingdom in the hands of an infidel. As Fagan grows, he and his family work and pray to be rescued, longing to be free from their bondage to Fàolan and from their own sin. )

Anyway, good luck, and nice job on this. *thumbs up*

Maddi | Wed, 02/06/2013

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

:)

Good news! Port Yonder Press asked to see my first chapter. I sent it about a week ago, but have not heard anything back yet. Thanks for your input, y'all!

Kyleigh | Tue, 02/19/2013

Hi Kyleigh! That's awesome.

Hi Kyleigh!

That's awesome. :)) I hope, hope hope they ask for the full manuscript. Good luck!

-Homey

Madeline | Tue, 02/19/2013

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:)

Well, they said they can't take it at this time, but did say they liked it and that I was welcome to try again in the future - it was "close" but "not quite there." So that's hope, as is the fact that I got past the pitch stage - which tells me my pitch isn't worthless!

Now I have to decide whether to work and wait to resubmit to PYP or to try elsewhere...

Thanks for your help, y'all!

Kyleigh | Sat, 02/23/2013

Well go Kyleigh!

Yay! Got past the pitch stage.

Maybe you should do both....since PYP has showed promise, work on it, but in the meantime try somewhere else. That's my input, anyway. So good luck for whatever you decide!

Maddi | Sat, 02/23/2013

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

:)

Thanks, Maddi! That's what I'm thinking of doing. It was a similar decision to make when I was wondering about submitting to PYP in the first place. I'll give it a longer think before I decide, though.

Kyleigh | Sun, 02/24/2013

Aww...

I think you shouldn't give up - you went past the pitch stage and since they said that they welcome you to try in the future, you should resubmit and try a few other places!

Lucy Anne | Sun, 02/24/2013

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson