PNW

A Poem By Kyleigh // 5/17/2017

I'm still not happy with this but posting it anyway for some feedback! Mostly what bugs me is the word "mimicking" in the first stanza, and then how the first two stanzas rhyme with the last word and none of the others do. It's been sitting like this for a while so I thought I'd see if anyone had any input.

---
The wind shakes the firs
mimicking a raging river,
Roaring.

Gusts catch the wings
of eagles in the heavens,
Soaring.

A breeze catches the chimes
striking metal against stone
Singing.

Lenticular cotton drawn off the mountain
Floats over golden sunbeams on glassy water
Glistening.

Patters on the roof from a drizzly grey sky
Fragrance of rain and wood-stove ember
Mingling

In the hollow of the firs an owl calls
while Ursa Major prowls among wisps of cloud
Shining.

Comments

This has some exquisite

This has some exquisite wording, Kyleigh. It's beautiful and transcendent and the imagery is lovely. That last stanza, especially, is poignant--it shot out and grabbed me, and then to leave off with "Shining" is so vibrant, and so alive, and the whole piece glows because of it.

As for your concerns with the poem:

The wind shakes the firs
mimicking a raging river,
Roaring.

I think I would find another word for mimicking, yes--if you phrase it correctly, I don't think we need to be told that it's mimicking; if you just let the metaphor speak for itself, I think it'll be even more effective.

The wind shakes the firs
A (elevated OR reaching OR sky-high, etc...) raging river,
Roaring

That's just one example of what I mean--really, you could fit anything in there! Also, I just noticed, but AGH the alliteration in there is perfect. *claps*

I do agree with your concern about the rhyming "roaring" and "soaring"--I think this sets up the expectation for the rest of the poem to follow this pattern, but I understand your word choice in both situations. One way to rectify this may be to move the second stanza further down--maybe flip "singing" and "soaring" stanzas?

Kyleigh, this really is lovely! Thank you for sharing a snippet of your life with us. I hope you're well, and it's wonderful to hear from you.

Madeline | Thu, 05/18/2017

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:)

Thank you, Maddi!
Mimicking is driving me nuts. I just step outside whenever it's windy and have to remind myself we don't live near a river because the firs rustling sound JUST like the creek by my grandmother's house.

I'll play around with moving the stanzas, too... I wanted to keep them by each other because they're both wind, but maybe I just need to let that go.

I'm doing pretty well. Life is a bit of a circus after moving so frequently and keeping up with two very active kiddos but we're enjoying where we are now quite a bit.

Kyleigh | Fri, 05/19/2017

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