PNW

A Poem By Kyleigh // 5/17/2017

The wind shakes the firs
Like a raging river,
Roaring.

A breeze catches the chimes
striking metal against stone
Singing.

Lenticular cotton drawn off the mountain
Floats over golden sunbeams on glassy water
Glistening.

Gusts catch the wings
of eagles in the heavens,
Soaring.

Patters on the roof from a drizzly grey sky
Fragrance of rain and wood-stove ember
Mingling

In the hollow of the firs an owl calls
while Ursa Major prowls among wisps of cloud
Shining.

Comments

This has some exquisite

This has some exquisite wording, Kyleigh. It's beautiful and transcendent and the imagery is lovely. That last stanza, especially, is poignant--it shot out and grabbed me, and then to leave off with "Shining" is so vibrant, and so alive, and the whole piece glows because of it.

As for your concerns with the poem:

The wind shakes the firs
mimicking a raging river,
Roaring.

I think I would find another word for mimicking, yes--if you phrase it correctly, I don't think we need to be told that it's mimicking; if you just let the metaphor speak for itself, I think it'll be even more effective.

The wind shakes the firs
A (elevated OR reaching OR sky-high, etc...) raging river,
Roaring

That's just one example of what I mean--really, you could fit anything in there! Also, I just noticed, but AGH the alliteration in there is perfect. *claps*

I do agree with your concern about the rhyming "roaring" and "soaring"--I think this sets up the expectation for the rest of the poem to follow this pattern, but I understand your word choice in both situations. One way to rectify this may be to move the second stanza further down--maybe flip "singing" and "soaring" stanzas?

Kyleigh, this really is lovely! Thank you for sharing a snippet of your life with us. I hope you're well, and it's wonderful to hear from you.

Madeline | Thu, 05/18/2017

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:)

Thank you, Maddi!
Mimicking is driving me nuts. I just step outside whenever it's windy and have to remind myself we don't live near a river because the firs rustling sound JUST like the creek by my grandmother's house.

I'll play around with moving the stanzas, too... I wanted to keep them by each other because they're both wind, but maybe I just need to let that go.

I'm doing pretty well. Life is a bit of a circus after moving so frequently and keeping up with two very active kiddos but we're enjoying where we are now quite a bit.

Kyleigh | Fri, 05/19/2017

My brain wants to insert

My brain wants to insert "mocking" for "mimicking" but maybe that would give a different tone to the poem.

It's SO hard to capture the majesty of nature, but somehow you did it. Utterly gorgeous, Kyleigh!

Sarah Bethany | Thu, 05/25/2017

How about this?

Thank you, thank you! It means so much to get a comment like that from you. :)

An idea for the first verse:
The sound of a raging river
The wind shaking the firs
Roaring

But then I'm afraid it sounds like the wind is roaring when it's the firs... but then looking back it seems ambiguous anyway.

Kyleigh | Sat, 05/27/2017

That would work...but I don't

That would work...but I don't know, I really love the first line being the wind shakes the firs. I feel like that reeled me in, held me there, put me in your place. It's very visceral imagery and I feel like that also connotes the sound as well...

I know this is as basic as it gets, but maybe simplicity is the way to go? What if in the next line you just said like a raging river/roaring or something similar? Then your syllable count for the second line would actually match the next stanza, and I don't think it'd affect the rhythm...just change it a little.

It's always the little things like this that end up being trickiest! lol!

Madeline | Sun, 05/28/2017

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:)

I think that works! At least for now. I may keep it in the back of my head and maybe sometime it will hit me in another way but I've changed it above, and moved the eagle stanza, too.

Kyleigh | Tue, 05/30/2017

It's lovely, Kyleigh; and I

It's lovely, Kyleigh; and I honestly feel honored that you took my suggestions! hahaha! No joke! :)

Madeline | Tue, 05/30/2017

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

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