The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe

Fiction By Laura Elizabeth // 5/7/2009

Please, please understand me, before reading this: I love, love, love Narnia, and I have ever since I first watched the old BBC version. I am not at all making fun of them. I just thought you might find this humorous. Another thing: it is best to read this outloud; it's much more funny that way. If possible, read it to someone else. Please tell me what you think of it, and if no one likes it, I'll take it off as soon as possible.

England
Mum: Get out! The Krauts are bombing us!
Lucy: I want my teddy bear!
Mum: Now!
They run to cellar.

Train Station
Mum: You kids be good.
Kids: Yes mum. Bye!

Prof's House
Lucy: Let's play hide and seek.
Peter: Alright.
Lucy: Oh, cool, a wardrobe.
She goes inside.
Lucy: Groovy! A forest and a street light.
Faun comes up.
Faun: Who are you?
Lucy: I'm Lucy. What are you?
Faun: I'm a faun. What are you?
Lucy: A beardless dwarf, better known as HomoSapien. In other words, you dumb ape, a girl.
Faun: Oh, I get it! Cool! Will you come with me? We can have a tea party.
Lucy: Yeah. Why not?

Faun's House
Lucy: This picture looks like you.
Faun: That's my dad. I'm not like him at all.
Lucy: Why not?
Faun: Because I'm kidnapping you so the White Witch can have you.
Lucy: Oh. Why?
Faun: Because she pays me good money.
Lucy: Thought you were my friend. I'm leaving.
Faun: Wait! I decided I'll help you. Let's go.

Out of the wardrobe
Lucy: Hey, I'm back!
Pete: Huh?
Ed: Your stupid.
Su: Huh?
Lucy: Come and see!
Pete: Don't see anything, except this old closet.
Edmund: Don't be stupid Lucy.
Lucy runs out crying.

Nighttime
Lucy: Maybe I had a dumb dream.
She takes a candle and goes to the wardrobe.
Ed: Lucy, your stupid. Lucy, where are you?
He steps in wardrobe.
Ed: Weird! A forest. I'm outta here.
He hears sleigh bells.
Witch: Stop!
Ed: Huh?
Witch: I see you are a total idiot.
Ed: Huh?
Witch: Come sit on my sled. Do you want cocoa?
Ed: Why not?
Witch: Say Your Majesty.
Ed: Why?
Witch: Because if you don't I'll turn you to stone.
Ed: Ok, Your Majesty.
Witch: Want some Turkish Delight?
Ed: I don't care.
Witch: I hope you enjoyed yourself. Come to my castle with your family, and I'll give you more.
Ed: Ok, why not?
Witch: Get out of the sled. Dwarf, drive on.
Ed: Bye!
Lu: There you are. Did you have fun.
Ed: No. I was looking for you. Let's go.

Out of wardrobe again
Lucy: Wake up, everyone! I went back to Narnia.
Pete: Go back to sleep.
Lucy: No. Wake up.
Su: Huh?
Lucy: Ask Edmund.
Pete: Well, Ed?
Ed: Shut up.
Lucy runs out crying.
Pete: Let's tell on her.

The prof's room
Pete: Lucy's being weird.
Prof: What if she's telling the truth.
Su: Never thought of that.
Pete: Yeah. Let's go.

Outside
Pete: Are you ready, Ed?
Ed: Why not?
Pete throws the ball, and it crashes through window.
Ed: Your fault.
Pete: No, yours.
Su: Macready is coming!
Lucy: Let's hide in the wardrobe.
Pete: Ok.

Wardrobe
Pete: We're in Narnia. Cool.
Ed: I'm gonna be sick. Let's go to the Witch's house.
Su: Nah. Let's go with Lucy.
Lucy: Let's go see the faun.
Pete: Why not?

Faun's house again
Lucy: His house is torn up. No use being here.
Pete: What now?
Lucy: Look, a talking beaver.
Su: What if he's a bully?
Pete: Then he'll eat us.
Ed: We can kill him. He's bad. I know it.
Beaver1: Here's your hanky, girl.
Lucy: Don't remember giving it to that faun.
Beaver1: Let's go to my house.
Pete: Why not?

Beaver house
Beaver1: Let's eat.
Pete: Why?
Beaver1: Fine. Starve to death.
Beaver2: Here's your food.
Beaver1: Let's go to Aslan.
Pete: Whatever.
Su: But we're not heros.
Ed: I'm outta here.
He leaves.
Su: Where's Ed?
Beaver1: At the witch's house, dummy.
Pete: Fine. Let's get to Aslan.

At witch's house
Ed sees statues.
Ed: They must not have said Your Majesty. Stubborn idiots.
Wolf: Come with me.
Ed: Whatever.
Wolf: Here's the witch.
Witch: Why didn't you come with your family?
Ed: Didn't want to.
Witch: Put him in the clink clink.
Dwarf: This way for your num nums.
Ed: Huh uh.

In dungeon
Ed: What are you?
Faun: I'm a faun.
Ed: So.
Faun: You look like your sister.
Ed: You look like an ape.
Witch comes in.
Witch: Where's Aslan.
Ed: At the Stone Table, I guess.
Witch: Your lying.
Ed: Huh uh.
Witch: Come on, Faun.
She takes the faun out.

Beavers house again
Beaver1: The wolves are coming. Let's go.
Pete: Whatever.
Beaver2: Too bad I can't take the sewing machine.
Beaver1: Tough luck.
Su: Don't wanna go.
Lucy: Me neither.
Beaver1: Fine, get made into supper or stones.
Pete: Whatever.
They leave. Wolves burst in.
Wolf: They aren't here.
Other wolf: Duh.

Witch's house again
Witch: Get in the sled, boy.
Ed: Why?
Witch: Cause you'll be turned to stone otherwise.
Ed: Whatever.
They drive off.

Outside
Lucy: The witch is coming.
Beaver1: Hide then, dummy.
Bells heard.
Beaver1: Come out, idiots, its just Santa Claus.
Lucy: I don't beleive in Santa Claus.
Beaver2: Fine, you don't get any presents.
Santa: Here's your presents. Pete, you get a sword. Su, you get a bow and horn. Lucy, you get some medicine and a knife.
Lucy: I'm not sick.
Santa: You might get sick. But fine, I'll take it back.
Lucy: Here.
Su: I don't have arrows.
Santa: Make some. I don't have time.
Pete: I wanna sheild.
Santa: Ungrateful wretches.

The witch's sled
Witch: The snow is melting.
Dwarf: No duh. Aslan is here.
Witch: Huh uh. It's just some freak accident.
Ed: They said Aslan is here.
Witch: I'll turn you both to stone the next time one of you talks.
Ed (in head): Whatever.
They walk away.

Aslan's camp
Pete: Ooo, creeps. A lion.
Beaver1: That's Aslan.
Pete: I wasn't psychollogically prepared for this encounter.
Su: Talk to him.
Pete: Aslan, our kid brother went to the witch.
Aslan: I know.
Pete: Rescue him.
Aslan: I don't have to.
Oreius: Kill him, Aslan.
Aslan: Shut up.
Oreius: Ok.
Aslan: Pete, you are all gonna be kings and queens if you help me.
Pete: Whatever.
Hears horn.
Pete: What's that for?
Aslan: A wolf is attacking her.
Pete: So?
Aslan: Go kill the wolf.
Pete: Why not?
He kills wolf.
Pete: Pest.

Aslan's camp again
Aslan: Go get their kid brother.
Oreius: Whatever.
They rescue Ed.
Aslan: Be nice.
Ed: Fine.
Aslan: Say your sorry, or you will be.
Ed: Sorry.
Pete: No your not.
Su: Get out of my face.
Lucy: Get some sleep. You look like a zombie.
Oreius: A dwarf is coming.
Aslan: Let the little mud man come.
Dwarf: The witch wants to talk to you.
Aslan: Ok.
Witch: I want the traitor back.
Aslan: He's not a traitor. He just made a few bad decisions.
Witch: I have to have him, or Narnia will go kablooie.
Aslan: Get out or I'll eat you.
Witch: Whatever.

They leave the Stone Table
Aslan: Pete, you have to fight by yourself.
Pete: You deserting?
Aslan: For a little while. I have to finish something with the witch.
Pete: Oh, fine.
Su: Lucy, let's follow Aslan.
Lucy: Whatever.
Su: They killed Aslan. Now I bet you wish you had kept the medicine.
Lucy: Huh uh.
Su: Let's tell Pete and Ed.
They tell them.
Pete: Charge!
Su: The charge of the light brigade.
Lucy: Doomed to disaster. Too bad we girls can't fight. We'd whoop em.
Su: Huh uh.
Lucy: Uh huh.
Su: Aslan's back.
Lu: Let's ride him.
Su: Whatever.
Aslan: Witch, I said I'd eat you.
He eats witch.
Aslan: Let's go crown you guys.
Pete: Whatever.

At castle
Aslan: I crown you kings and queens.
Pete: So.
Aslan: Act your age.
Ed: Thought this was something special. Where's the beer.
Su: Gross.
Lu: I want to see the faun.
Aslan: Forgot about him. He's still a statue. Too late. Too bad, so sad.
Lu: I'm gonna cry.
She does.

The forest again
Lucy: See the streetlight?
Ed: Uh huh. So?
Pete: Thick skull. We get to get out of the wardrobe finally.
Su: Yes!

Prof's room again
Pete: Sorry, but we lost your coats.
Prof: So.
Su: You beleive us?
Prof: Duh.
The End

Comments

wowwww

that was...interesting. it was very funny but i'm wondering why they all say whatever...
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"Jesus is like Tide. He washes away what others leave behind." Anonymous

Tori | Fri, 05/08/2009

“Oh Ronnie! I can’t believe you’re a prefect! That’s everyone in the family!” said Mrs. Weasley.
“What are Fred and I, next-door neighbors?”
–George Weasley

Hmm..

I didn't burst out laughing...but maybe it's because I'm in school right now and nothing seems funny.
---
The Word is alive/and it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless/and afraid...

~"The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns

May my words be a light that guides others to the True Light and Word.

Julie | Fri, 05/08/2009

Formerly Kestrel

WOW...

I can honestly say I have NEVER laughed SO hard over the LWW :):):) (or heard a rendition quite like this one)
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"Yes, words are useless! Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble! Too much of it, darling, too much! That is why I show you my work! That is why you are here!" --Edna Mode (the Incredibles)

Ariel | Fri, 05/08/2009

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"To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme. No great and enduring volume can ever be written on the flea, though many there be that have tried it." -- Herman Melville

Thanks, everyone! I'm glad

Thanks, everyone! I'm glad ya'll like it!
OFG: My brother William (14 yr. old) was falling on the ground with laughter when I read it to him.
Kestrel: I know what you mean!
Tori: I may change some of the 'whatever' parts.

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I believe in Christianity as I believe in the sun
rising; not only because I see it, but because by it I see all things- C.S.Lewis

Laura Elizabeth | Sat, 05/09/2009

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The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --

http://lauraeandrews.blogspot.com/2014/05/dont-tell-me-hes-smart.html

Faun: You look like your

Faun: You look like your sister.
Ed: You look like an ape.
lol
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"There's a differnce between food and a meal."
-My bro and I have no idea what it means either

Keri | Sun, 05/10/2009

That's one of my favorite

That's one of my favorite parts. But my very favorite is: 'I wasn't psychologically prepared for this encounter'.

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I believe in Christianity as I believe in the sun
rising; not only because I see it, but because by it I see all things- C.S.Lewis

Laura Elizabeth | Mon, 05/11/2009

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The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --

http://lauraeandrews.blogspot.com/2014/05/dont-tell-me-hes-smart.html

hmmm....

  I didn't exactly burst out laughing either... some of the language didn't seem very appropriate..otherwise, it seemed just fine. Good job! :) :D :>

Jackie West | Wed, 04/21/2010

I haven't seen the movie, but

I haven't seen the movie, but this gives me a rough idea of what basically happens. I agree with Eirian. The language on this is not the best, but otherwise it's really funny. What I really  want to know is what happened in the woods where the white witch tried to kill Edmund in the book. Did the skip that part in the movie? I asked my mom to read it because I found it a little humorous, but she got tired of the language less than halfway through.

Arya Animarus | Tue, 02/15/2011

Oh for the times when I felt invincible.