The Poisoned Pickles

Fiction By LoriAnn // 11/12/2010

 
Background: MICHAEL and TIMOTHY are best friends and neighbors, and have been from childhood. We enter the scene as MICHAEL is digging in his garden, where he cultivates many prized vegetables. He is kneeling, with a trowel in one hand and a pickle in the other, a small post or table with a hand-bell on it beside him.
 
NARRATOR
It was a bright, sunny spring morning, and Michael was working in his garden.
 
MICHAEL
I am working in my garden!
 
NARRATOR
He was busy under the hot sun, digging up weeds and harvesting his…What are you harvesting, Michael?
 
MICHAEL
Pickles! I’m picking pickles!
 
NARRATOR
Um, Michael, you can’t grow pickles. You have to grow cucumbers and then pickle them to make them pickles.
 
MICHAEL
I can too grow pickles—see? (Takes large bite out of pickle.)
 
NARRATOR
Don’t eat that, Michael!
 
MICHAEL
Mmmm, yummy. (Wobbles) Uh-oh. I feel strange…
 
NARRATOR
Oh no! (To audience) Michael has been potentially poisoned by pernicious pickles!  
 
MICHAEL
I’ve been poisoned! (Grabs at heart) Help!
 
NARRATOR
Michael, thinking quickly, grabs a nearby bell and begins ringing it frantically.
 
MICHAEL
A bell? What bell?
 
NARRATOR
(Sighing) That bell, Michael. Ring it.
 
MICHAEL
Oh. (Picks up bell and begins to shake it heartily, but there is no sound of ringing—the bell has no clapper.) I’m ringing it! But…there’s no sound!
 
NARRATOR
Despite the bell’s seeming soundlessness, the alarm is heard by none other than Michael’s best friend from childhood—his neighbor Timothy!
 
TIMOTHY
(Leaping dramatically into the scene and speaking in melodramatic tones.) Hark! The soundless tones of a gilded bell fall upon mine ears! What troublest thou, friend Michael?
 
MICHAEL
(Weakly) I’ve been poisoned!
 
TIMOTHY
Poisoned! What dastardly scoundrel hath dared?
 
NARRATOR
(Dropping into same melodramatic tones) Twas the pickles! (Points dramatically)
 
TIMOTHY
Pickles?
 
NARRATOR and MICHAEL together
Pickles!
 
MICHAEL
Timothy, I grow weak! (Falls into TIMOTHY’S arms)
 
TIMOTHY
Alas, my poor friend!
 
MICHAEL
The light fades…all turns gray…
 
NARRATOR
Unfortunately for Michael, the poison in the pernicious pickle worked promptly.
 
TIMOTHY
I shall go for assistance!
 
MICHAEL
Nay, too late, too late. Timothy—I must arrange my affairs. You may have my pickle patch.
 
TIMOTHY
But…the pickles are poisoned!
 
MICHAEL
True…Then you may have my house.
 
TIMOTHY
I appreciate the offer, Michael, but I already have a nice home of my own. Nicer than yours, I might add.
 
MICHAEL
Hey, (Suddenly stronger) my house is pretty nice!
 
TIMOTHY
But I like mine better. I can see Patty Miller’s house from my living room window.
 
MICHAEL
Creeper.
 
TIMOTHY
Aren’t you supposed to be dying?
 
MICHAEL
Oh, right. (goes limp again) Very well, if you refuse all other bequests, then…(Dramatic pause) Then you may have my rubber ducky.
 
NARRATOR
Timothy gasped.
 
TIMOTHY
Gasp! Thy ducky? But Michael, it is thy prized possession! Doth thou not wish to be buried with it at thy side?
 
MICHAEL
Nay, my good friend. I will be happy knowing that my fair yellow fowl is in thy care.
 
TIMOTHY
(Pumps fist where Michael can’t see. Then says gravely,) I thank thee, my friend. I shall take great care of it.
 
MICHAEL
I can rest in peace. Farewell, good friend! Farewell, blue skies and green grass! Farewell, sweet spring mornings and soft summer afternoons! Farewell, singing birds, laughing children and mooing cows…
 
TIMOTHY
Cows?
 
MICHAEL
I…I like cows… (Goes completely limp. Dies.)
 
NARRATOR
And with those words, Michael died, fallen victim of those pernicious pickles!
 
TIMOTHY
Alas and alack! O sad day! Farewell, friend! (lays Michael on the ground) I shall take good care of the duck…I’ve wanted it for a while now. (Smiles evilly at the audience and begins to walk off stage.) On second thought, though, perhaps I shouldn’t have given him those pickle seeds…
 
The End

Comments

haha

This really made me laugh... :D 

Sarah Bethany | Fri, 12/17/2010

This was absolutely

This was absolutely hilarious.  :-D

Bridget | Sun, 12/19/2010

"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question." - Harun Yahya

L.O.L!

This was very enjoyable! Though I had to smuggle my laughter, for my little two year old brother is asleep. Very good!vI love how you made drama, comedy. Which always seems to happen when you are playing make believe games, you try and try, but with no avail, you have to add something, for drama, is to funny :D 

I enjoyed this greatly! 

 

Write on! 

Kassady | Sun, 12/19/2010

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!