Villain Holds the Floor

Fiction By LoriAnn // 4/15/2010

 

 “Ahem.”
 
Maleficent cleared her throat in her most queenly tone. The assorted characters in the all-black room ignored her, continuing with their conversations. She glowered. Today had been a good day so far, and she was not going to have it ruined by asinine villains.
 
Please be seated!” she ordered in an ear-bursting voice. Crackles of purple and green energy snapped around the room, pinching and prodding until everyone was sullenly in their seats. Looking around the long, obsidian table, she counted off in her head.
 
Scar. Dr. Doom. Teela. Moriarty. Mr. Hyde. Jafar. Magneto. Jadis. Darth Vader. Ten villains, counting herself—they were all there.
 
“This meeting of the Inter-World Villainary Council will now come to order. President Sauron is unable to join us today, so I, as the representative of the Evil Queens and Stepmothers Association, will preside as moderator.”
 
“Where’s Sauron?” demanded a voice from the distant end of the table. Maleficent glared at the interrupter. Jafar, as usual.
 
“He’s had a bit of trouble in his home territory and took the weekend off to deal with things. Something about a ring, I gathered, but he didn’t explain.”
 
The evil vizier hardly looked satisfied, but he nodded and sat back. Maleficent noticed that his parrot was missing, and breathed a silent sigh of relief. How she hated that bird—so different than her own associate crow.
 
“As I was saying, I officially call this meeting to order. Copies of the minutes from last quarter’s meeting have been passed around, and I assume most of you have already read those. Are there any corrections or comments to be made?”
 
Dr. Doom stood up. “This states that the annual World Domination Conference is to be held in New York, but that’s been changed.”
 
Maleficent glanced down at her own copy. “I see—thank you for pointing that out, Doom.” Laying the sheet of paper back down on the table, she added, “This year’s Conference will be in Toledo—we were supposed to get a conference hall in New York, but after the recent exploits of the good Doctor and that annoying foursome…” she waited for the quiet chuckles to die away “We were forced to relocate. Anything else?”
 
No one spoke.
 
“Very well, then we’ll move on to committee reports. Scar, do you have anything from the Anarchist Animal Archvillains?”
 
The ragged lion—very awkward in his narrow, high-backed black chair, nodded. “AAA had a meeting last month about the effects of the falling economy on our membership. Many of our members are finding it more and more difficult to pay their dues, and we granted a temporary respite in payment dates—with three-hundred percent interest on the debt, of course.”
 
“Of course,” agreed Magneto from across the table. Maleficent noted with annoyance that he was idly levitating his ink pen; taking it to bits in midair and putting it back together again.
 
“However,” Scar continued, “We expect a period of great success in the near future—revolutions often rise out of unhappy people, and with a few key players in place, we could take out a half dozen kingdoms at once. Cluny the Scourge feels particularly hopeful.” He grinned slowly, and a glint of yellow light caught his scarred eye. “I’ll have an update next quarter.”
 
“Very good.” Looking down at her notes, Maleficent said, “Master Vader—any updates?” Why is it that I never seem to notice his wheeze until I look at him? she wondered as Darth Vader stood.
 
Keeee-koooo,” he rasped. “Our research into new torture instruments is coming along nicely. Keeee-koooo…keeee-koooo. There’s a start-up company out of Calormene that shows promise, but they don’t yet have anything for the market. On the other hand, keeee-koooo…keeee-koooo, Afflictions Associated just came out with a new version of the Iron Maiden that looks affordable and effective. I brought five copies of their spring catalog for anyone who’s interested—you might have to share.”
 
Immediately, every villain and villainess around the table glared at their neighbors, plotting how they could get to the catalogs before anyone else. Thoughts of lasers, daggers, toad-spells and (strangely enough,) cheese, flashed through their minds.
 
Maleficent cleared her throat again. “Thank you, Vader. Are there any other committees that need to make reports?”
 
“I do.” Teela fluttered his black wings, sending a whiff of fetid air around the room. Distracted for a moment, Maleficent sniffed. “Pardon my curiosity, Teela,” she interrupted. “But isn’t that Degoutant’s new cologne for men?”
 
He smiled at her, his needle-sharp teeth glinting in the light. “It is indeed—I found a sample in Desperado Today and couldn’t resist. It’s called Backstabber,” he added for the benefit of the others.
 
“Splendid.” Maleficent nodded her head at him. “Continue, please.”
 
“As you all know, the nominating committee has been looking for a replacement for Cruella de Ville. After that incident with the pack of dogs, she’s been mad as a hatter—even by our standards.”
 
A few dry chuckles filled the room.
 
“I take objection to that!” exclaimed Mr. Hyde, leaping to his feet. “I have opposed de Ville’s removal from the start—and I will certainly not have jokes made at her expense. Especially about her loss of sanity.”
 
“You would know all about that, wouldn’t you?”
 
Maleficent wasn’t sure who had muttered those words, but she winced. “Enough!” she said sternly, before Hyde could explode. “Mr. Hyde, we are well aware of your objections, as well as the concerns and motivations behind them. However, Master Teela holds the floor at the moment, and I would thank you to allow him to speak.”
 
Hyde subsided, and sank back into his chair, grumbling.
 
“As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted,” Teela continued, glaring at Hyde, “The nominating committee has been searching for a member to fill de Ville’s position. We believe we have found a candidate, and as chairman, I would like to present her to you for approval.”
 
“Very well,” Maleficent agreed. “Who have you found?”
 
Teela clawed something on his Blackberry and an image appeared on the conference room’s projector screen. It was a picture of a lovely woman, red-haired and dressed in a rich green gown that brought out the emerald color of her eyes.
 
“This is Celzara,” Teela explained. “She’s currently ruling as queen over a small elven kingdom in an obscure land, but with a little training, I think she could grow into a formidable villainess. Already, she is suspected in the deaths of her parents; has banished her brother—who, by the way, was the heir to the throne she holds—and has completely brainwashed an entire army of her subjects. She also has a mean backhand,” he added. “Her forecourt defense is spectacular.”
 
“And the committee recommends that she take de Ville’s place on this council?” Moriarty spoke for the first time. It always made Maleficent nervous when he didn’t speak for long periods of time—she never knew what he was thinking.
 
“We do. After examining several different candidates, Celzara is the one we are most interested in. We think she could bring some freshness and young blood—“ he licked his lips, and everyone shuddered, sliding to the edges of their seats to gain a few more inches distance from the giant bat “—that is, inventiveness to our group.”
 
“Have you contacted her officially?” Maleficent asked.
 
“Not yet,” Teela said. “We were waiting for Council approval.”
 
“Consider it given,” she told him. “If you’ll bring a motion to instate her during our next meeting, and perhaps bring her along for an interview?”
 
“Of course.”
 
“Good then. Any other committee reports?” Maleficent looked around the table. “No? What about old business?”
 
“Someone asked last month about a winter spell for a section of their empire…” Jadis, the White Witch of Narnia, said.
 
“That was me,” Jafar told her. Maleficent did a double take—the pointy-nosed vizier was staring dreamy-eyed at Jadis. Who would have thought?
 
Jadis, on the other hand, looked a bit droopy. “Well, I’m afraid that’s going to have to wait a while. I was out of town for a mere two weeks and on the way back I discovered a trespasser in my realm. I’m not too worried about things yet, but he’s a Son of Adam and he may have siblings.” There were a few murmurs around the room—everyone knew of the prophecy poor Jadis was always worrying about. “At any rate,” she continued, “I have a feeling I’m going to be busy over the next month or so. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can, Jafar.”
 
He looked disappointed, but nodded.
 
“If there’s anything we can do to help, Jadis, please let us know.” Magneto sat on the White Witch’s left and spun his pen nib in her direction.
 
“Now, Magneto,” Darth Vader chided, rasping. “Keeee-koooo..keeee-koooo. You know that inter-world assistance isn’t allowed.”
 
Magneto shrugged. “What is the point of rules,” he asked, “Except that they are broken?”
 
Before a full scale debate could break out, Maleficent held up a silencing hand. During Council meetings, debates had a way of turning…well, let’s just say that after he argued with Sauron about the correct way to train an Evil Horde, Captain Hook nearly ended up with another metal appendage.
 
“Is there any other old business?” she asked quickly, giving Magneto and Vader each quelling glances. “If not, we’ll open the floor for new business. I know that Moriarty has something he wanted to bring.”
 
“Yes.” Moriarty stood and looked down his nose at the surrounding villains. “I’ve been thinking about opening a new chapter of Recovering Heroes Anonymous. I’ve had a few conversations with people lately who had a “change of heart” during their struggles, and are now trying to regain their villainous ways. I’m sure you’ve all heard about Rulalin?”
 
 Again, the Council murmured amongst themselves. Scar actually growled.
 
“Unfortunately, Rulalin was killed before he could be rescued from his own misguided repentance. There are a few others who give reason for concern, as well as two or three who have mentioned their regret that the closest RHA chapter meets in Mordor—a place that’s rather hard to get to for meetings, as you all know.”
 
“Where would you meet?” Jadis asked.
 
“I was thinking either London or New York. No one would take any notice of us—until it was too late, of course.” He gave an unpleasant laugh, well-practiced. “At any rate, I know that new chapters have to be approved through the Council, and I thought I’d just go straight to the top instead of wasting my time on the proper channels.”
 
“Good idea,” Maleficent complimented, admiring his conniving. This villain might go far, if he could just keep his ego down a bit.
 
“I’m in favor,” added Hyde. “I might attend those meetings now and again myself.” He grimaced. “My Jekyll side can be so annoying, with his do-gooder ways.”
 
“I’ll make a motion to accept the London chapter of the RHA,” Darth Vader raised his gauntleted hand.
 
“Good. Do we have a second?” Maleficent asked.
 
“I’ll second.”
 
“Magneto, thank you. All in favor say Aye?”
 
“Aye!”
 
“And opposed, No.”
 
“No.”
 
Everyone looked at Dr. Doom, who shrugged. “Just for form’s sake,” he said. “We’re villains. Our image can’t afford to be too harmonious.”
 
They laughed.
 
“Very well, then; thank you for that bit of PR, Dr. Doom,” Maleficent said with a smile. “Any other new business?”
 
They all looked at each other and shook their heads.
 
“In that case, I will accept a motion to adjourn.”
 
“Motion,” growled Scar.
 
“And seconded,” added Magneto, finally clicking all the bits of his pen back into place and slipping it into the breast pocket of his suit coat.
 
“All in favor please rise,” Maleficent stood along with the rest. “I hereby proclaim this quarterly meeting of the Inter-World Villainary Council adjourned.”
 
She smiled grimly as they all gathered up their papers. “Live long, conquer much, inflict pain, and have a great quarter.”
 
A mere seventy-five seconds later, the obsidian had emptied. All was silent for a long moment, and then a sudden scuffling sound exploded from under the table. A young woman scrambled out from underneath, her hair frazzled and her face red with the effort of breathing shallowly and silently for nearly an hour. Raising a thick wrist-watch to her mouth, she pressed a small button on the side.
 
“LoriAnn checking in,” she said, her voice only slightly nerve-wracked. “Did you get all of that recorded?”
 
A cracking voice came back through the watch’s speaker. “Received. Things are a bit muzzy in places, but with your transcript we should be able to make it out. You ok?”
 
“Yeah—no one spotted me.” She glared around the room. “Next time, I really hope they meet in a place with a decent hiding spot. I was under the table this whole time—did you know that Maleficent has a secret penchant for purple Crocs?”
 
There was a short period of staticy silence.
 
“Never mind,” LoriAnn grinned. “Should I come back to headquarters now?”
 
“Yeah, I think we got everything we needed—especially about the World Domination Conference being moved. That was a stroke of good luck.”
 
“Okay, I’ll be over in an hour or so.”
 
“Thanks. Good work, Agent.”
 
“Thanks, Director Parker.”
 
“LoriAnn, I’ve told you a dozen times—call me Peter.”
 
“Right. Thanks Peter.”
 
“Just doing my friendly neighborhood duty.”
 
They laughed, and LoriAnn shut off her radio, slipping as silently from the room as she had entered it.
 
The Villains were about to encounter a resistance.

Comments

!

OH MY WORD! THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY FUNNY!!! I LOVE IT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

*Ahem*

Excellent work, my dear.

"Penchant for purple crocs" Oh the horror!

"Peter Parker" LOL

"Something about a ring, I gathered, but he didn’t explain.” CHOKES AND DIES WITH LAUGHTER!

"Why is it that I never seem to notice his wheeze until I look at him?" Girl! You have one great sense of humor!! Why don't you live closer?!?!?!

Ariel | Thu, 04/15/2010

*****************************************
"To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme. No great and enduring volume can ever be written on the flea, though many there be that have tried it." -- Herman Melville

I was hoping it would be

I was hoping it would be funny to someone other than me...sometimes my jokes aren't. LOL

LoriAnn | Thu, 04/15/2010

LOLOLOLOLOL! Love this

LOLOLOLOLOL! Love this LoriAnn! Wonderful, hilarious and all that good stuff. Very evil and clever. I had a feeling the Malificent would be in the lead, you loving her villianess ways and all. Aforementioned, aforementioned LOL's

Kay J Fields | Thu, 04/15/2010

Visit my writing/book review blog at http://transcribingthesedreams.blogspot.com/

Oh

I laughed so hard I had to try to explain this to my mom...not an easy task. I though of doing a crossover fanfic once with several of these villians...but your story is excellant.

Joel might be a candiate for the Recovering Heroes Anonymous...except he doesn't exactly recover.

Teelah is spelled with a h on the end, but this is one of the best paradoy ever.

Julie | Thu, 04/15/2010

Formerly Kestrel

I sure hope you'll treat us

I sure hope you'll treat us with a second installment!!!

Anna | Thu, 04/15/2010

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

LOL!!!!! I giggled my way

LOL!!!!! I giggled my way through all of this! I love the bit about Sauron's having a bit of trouble with a ring and Malificent having a penchant for purple Crocs. How do you think up these things?!? I love your sense of humor!

Heather | Thu, 04/15/2010

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And now our hearts will beat in time/You say I am yours and you are mine...
Michelle Tumes, "There Goes My Love"

My method is very

My method is very professional: it's called, "digging out horse poo from a stable with my sister for three hours and then going home and writing while exhausted". LOL

LoriAnn | Fri, 04/16/2010

Ditto!

I have experiance in that method too. Except mine is called "go and clean vet cases for three hours, laundry etc for an hour, and mop/vacum/empty the trash for an hour, all while trying to remember an idea you had in the first five minutes!"

 

Julie | Sat, 04/17/2010

Formerly Kestrel

Haha! I love this! =D

Haha! I love this! =D

Tahlia Grant | Wed, 05/05/2010

Oh my muffins!!!

I absolutely l o v e  this!!! Hilarious!! I wasn't familiar with a few of the villains but it was amazingly funny all the same...loved how you put dear Aunt Cellie in!! And Jafar having a crush on Jadis? XDDD

KatieSara | Wed, 05/05/2010

Katie:-)

"Are all humans like this? So much bigger on the inside?"
-Idris/TARDIS

Now, I really wanna know who

Now, I really wanna know who the "good Doctor and the annoying foursome are." Surely you don't mean the Doctor, because you haven't seen Doctor Who..

Julie | Wed, 02/16/2011

Formerly Kestrel

No, Dr. Doom and the

No, Dr. Doom and the Fantastic Four. LOL

LoriAnn | Wed, 02/16/2011

@Kestrel

Oh my, Jemi and I thought the exact same thing! :D

LoriAnn, you should watch Doctor Who.

Anna | Wed, 02/16/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief

THIS WAS AWESOME!!!

THIS WAS THE BEST EVER!!! LOL!

So creative! Iloved how they were all modernized!

I laughed when scar was talking about AAA and the debt in volved! LOL! We use AAA and it just stuck out more to me and it was funnier!

I had no clue what Penchant purple crocs mean? Sorry!l

This was amazing! Please write more!

I'd say more but its 11:33 pm! And I need to hit the pillow!l

Hopfully I don't dream of villians in a confrence room and owning blackberry's! LOL! That was funny!

Good work!

Write on!

Kassady | Fri, 02/18/2011

"Here's looking at you, Kid"
---
Write On!

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