Revised Elcarim #1

Fiction By Lucia // 1/1/2008

I have been reading baout writing novels and I realized that I had to rewrite this one in the view of one character, and also have a good plotline. Here is what I've started so far:

Jason plopped a mound of orange, sticky, singed macaroni and cheese onto his sister Maggie’s plate. She wrinkled her slightly freckled nose.
“Eeuw, you know there’s no way I’m eating that,”
“Mrs. Freedy told me to make you guys macaroni, so I did. My cooking isn’t that bad,” Jason retorted.
Mrs. Freedy was his and his sister’s foster mom, and she had left to do some shopping. She had a husband, Mr. Freedy, but he was at work so Jason was watching Maggie for her. Maggie’s new friend, Althea, had dropped by to hang out with her. Althea was skinny, blonde, and timid.
“I’m going to have a popsicle,” declared Maggie.
“Mrs. Freedy won’t be happy when she finds out you haven’t eaten dinner,” warned Jason.
“Gosh, Jason, I’m twelve. I can baby-sit myself,” said Maggie, and she proceeded to pull two bright blue popsicles out of the refrigerator.
“Come on Althea, let’s go outside,” she said to her friend, and they exited by the sliding screen door, leaving Jason alone in the kitchen. He stood there, looking out through the window at the leaves that were just beginning to change. It was September, but the weather was warm yet. Jason looked at his own plate of pasta. Now that he took a closer look at it, it did look disgusting. He threw the rest of his distasteful meal out in the garbage and opted for a popsicle himself.
Jason wandered into the living room, settled himself on the comfortable leather couch, and turned on the television. It was the news channel, and they were playing a memorial service fro those who died on September 11th. Jason quickly switched to a football game, but he did not really pay any attention to it.
His thoughts were far away, going back to memories from his eighth year. The day his teacher had told him his parents died. The day he had tried not to cry in front of little Maggie, but hadn’t quite succeeded. The day he held on to his stuffed dinosaur as if it could keep the world together. All those weeks of wondering what would happen to him.
Jason shook himself, not wanting to think about these things.
He turned the channel to a sitcom, but felt little impulse to laugh. He turned himself feet in the air, head near the floor, on the couch just because he was bored and wanted to do something. Watching an advertisement for vacuum cleaners upside down made him feel sick, and he was just about to right side up again when Maggie burst in. The door slammed, which made Jason jump and slide, his head hitting the floor hard.
“Ow!” he exclaimed, sitting up.
At any other time Maggie would have complained at his assuming such an immature position, but she looked worried.
“Jason,” she said,
“There’s a…a thing out in the backyard,”
“What kind of a thing?” asked Jason, carefully feeling the back of his bruised head.
“A weird thing,” answered Maggie.
“That really explains it,” said Jason in a sarcastic voice.
“It’s bluish and round, and it’s glowing,” Althea said.
“I’m not in the mood for jokes,” said Jason.
“It’s not a joke, I promise, please come look,” pleaded Maggie. Jason heard the sincerity of her tone and the anxiety in her eyes. Something strange did seem to be going on.
“Okay,” he replied, turning the television off.
He followed them out into the private backyard. They were lucky to have the Freedys as their foster parents; they were fairly rich and owned a large amount of land in a high-end neighborhood. Something stung him on his arm, and he angrily brushed the mosquito away.
“This had better be quick,” he told the girls.
“I’m being eaten alive.”
“Here,” said Althea, in a fearful voice. She pulled the branches of a bush to one side, and Jason saw something very strange indeed. It was sphere, a sky blue, glowing ball. It had a sort of mist clustered around it, and when Jason put his hand near it the air surrounding it felt extremely cold.
“Don’t touch it,” advised Maggie, but she was too late. Jason reached out, through the thin mist. Underneath, the ball felt almost hot and as smooth as glass. A wind seemed to come from it. At first it was only a light breeze, catching the girls’ hair and tugging it. Then, it pulled more and more intensely. Jason tried to pull his hand away but he could not. The wind was so strong now that he felt his entire body being sucked into the sphere…and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was about to shout for help when everything went black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Comments and criticism equally appreciated.

Comments

So, I, umm...

revised the revision. Please have patience with me.
Here is the super-revised version:
Jason plopped a mound of orange, sticky, singed macaroni and cheese onto his sister Maggie’s plate. She wrinkled her slightly freckled nose.
“Eeuw, you know there’s no way I’m eating that,”
“Mrs. Freedy told me to make you guys macaroni, so I did. My cooking isn’t that bad,” Jason retorted.
Mrs. Freedy was his and his sister’s foster mom, and she had left to do some shopping. She had a husband, Mr. Freedy, but he was at work so Jason was watching Maggie for her. Maggie’s new friend, Althea, had dropped by to hang out with her. Althea was skinny, blonde, and timid.
“I’m going to have a popsicle,” declared Maggie.
“Mrs. Freedy won’t be happy when she finds out you haven’t eaten dinner,” warned Jason.
“Gosh, Jason, I’m twelve. I can baby-sit myself,” said Maggie, and she proceeded to pull two bright blue popsicles out of the refrigerator.
“Come on Althea, let’s go outside,” she said to her friend, and they exited by the sliding screen door, leaving Jason alone in the kitchen. He stood there, looking out through the window at the leaves that were just beginning to change. It was September, but the weather was warm yet. Jason looked at his own plate of pasta. Now that he took a closer look at it, it did look disgusting. He threw the rest of his distasteful meal out in the garbage and opted for a popsicle himself.
Jason wandered into the living room, settled himself on the comfortable leather couch, and turned on the television. It was the news channel, and they were playing a memorial service fro those who died on September 11th. Jason quickly switched to a football game, but he did not really pay any attention to it.
His thoughts were far away, going back to memories from his eighth year. The day his teacher had told him his parents died in the Towers. The day he had tried not to cry in front of little Maggie, but hadn’t quite succeeded. The day he held on to his stuffed dinosaur as if it could keep the world together. All those weeks of wondering what would happen to him.
Jason shook himself, not wanting to think about these things.
He turned the channel to a sitcom, but felt little impulse to laugh. Jason felt like a fantasy movie. Where was the remote that switched the television to DVD? It was there, on the end table. Jason reached under the shade of a very expensive lamp that Mrs. Freedy had received at her wedding shower to get it.
At this moment Maggie burst into the room, slamming the door against the wall loudly. Jason jumped in surprise, knocking the lamp. It tottered and wobbled, dangerously near the edge of the table. The lamp was about to fall, but Jason lunged and caught it.
“You almost made me break it! If I did Mrs. Freedy would kill me.”
“Well, I wouldn’t. It’s really ugly,” said Maggie,
“Why’d you burst in so fast?” asked Jason.
“Mr. McGillicuddy’s dog is in the garden again,” explained Althea.
Jason groaned. Mr. McGillicuddy’s Irish wolfhound often slipped in under the fence and buried bones under Mrs. Freedy’s favorite hydrangea bushes. They often had to chase him out.
“Why don’t you go take care of him yourself?” he asked, not wanting to get up and do it himself.
“Are you kidding me? That dog is ginormous!” said Maggie.
“Besides,” she added,
“You’re the babysitter,”
“Okay,” he replied, turning the television off.
He followed them out into the private backyard. They were lucky to have the Freedys as their foster parents; they were fairly rich and owned a large amount of land in a high-end neighborhood. Something stung him on his arm, and he angrily brushed the mosquito away.
The evening air had turned cold, and he shivered in his short sleeves. There, in the hydrangea bushes, was Mr. McGillicuddy’s dog Peewee. Jason thought that there never was a bigger misnomer as he yelled at the huge animal.
“Hey! Peewee! Get out of there!”
Peewee lifted his head, which was as large as Jason’s, gave him a solemn look, and resumed digging.
“Should I go get some leftover meat from the kitchen?” suggested Althea.
Jason agreed, and she ran while Maggie and Jason stood at a distance from the animal and rubbed their arms to rid themselves of goose bumps.
Soon Althea returned with a drumstick. Jason took it.
“Peewee, looky-looky,” he coaxed.
The big dog’s head turned toward him once more. Jason lifted the drumstick high up in the air. The dog’s neck craned toward it. Jason moved it down, two feet from the ground. The dog’s head followed. Saliva was dripping from its jaws. Jason tossed the drumstick over the white, picketed fence. With a yelp, Peewee jumped and crawled under the fence in pursuit of the meat. Soon, satisfied chewing sounds came from behind the white pickets.
Problem solved, the girls started toward the door, and Jason was about to follow them when something caught his eye. It was under some hydrangeas, a different bush than the one Peewee had been digging beneath. A strange bluish glow emanated in rays from between the tiny leaves. He walked up to it, knelt down, and curiously swept the branches aside.
“Jason, what are you doing? We’re getting cold!” Maggie called. Jason hardly heard her. The light had come from a sphere. It was light blue, with a mist surrounding it, circling it in tiny wisps.
“What are you doing?” Maggie’s voice came from his side now. Then she saw it.
“That’s weird,” she declared.
“Yeah,” said Althea.
“Maybe we shouldn’t touch it,”
Her warning was too late. Jason reached out, through the veil of mist. The air around it was cold, but when he touched the sphere the ball was as smooth as glass and almost hot. A breeze came up which was uncannily warm for that time of night. At first it was only a slight movement of wind, pulling the girls’ hair. Then it became stronger, pulling their bodies closer to it. Jason tried to pull his hand away but it felt as if it was attached to the sphere by a powerful magnet. It was impossible to pull away. He tried to call for help but his voice was lost in the gale. He was pulled closer and closer... and then everything went black.

Jason’s neck hurt. He put up his right to rub it, and felt rocks and dirt beneath his head. Surprised, he opened his eyes and saw grey stones, wet moss, and fog. Where was he? Jason, feeling sore all over, sat up. Two cliffs of stone rose high up on either side of him. How tall they were he could not tell, because the fog shrouded them a few feet up. He guessed that he must be in some kind of ravine. Jason had no idea how he got there. The last thing he could remember was touching the blue sphere, with Maggie and Althea on either side of him. Maggie and Althea—where were they? He painfully rose to his feet and leaned again the wall of rock for his support.
“Maggie? Althea?” he shouted their names but heard no answer. Fumbling along the rocky bottom of the ravine, he tripped suddenly over something soft and warm. Getting up with a body more bruised before, Jason looked behind him at what had caused him to stumble. It was Maggie. She was lying on the ground, her face pale behind her freckles, and her eyelids were shut. Immediately he squatted and felt her pulse. It was normal, and his fearfulness eased. Only then did he notice that Althea was next to Maggie, much in the same position. Jason leaned back on his heels. That sphere thing must have brought them here, unless he had been imagining it. He gently shook Maggie’s shoulder.
“Hey, Maggie, wake up,” he urged. She stirred and opened her eyes wide.
“What’s going on?” she asked vaguely.
“I don’t know,” answered Jason miserably.
Maggie sat up quickly, and looked around.
“How did this happen? Where are we?”
“I told you I don’t know,” repeated Jason.
“I think maybe when we touched that thing it took us here,”
“That’s absurd!” exclaimed Maggie.
“Call home on your cell phone,” she said
It was the logical thing to do, so Jason pulled it out of his pocket. Upon opening it he found that the screen was blank.
I can’t believe it’s not working,” Maggie moaned.
“We’re going to die out here, alone,”
“No we’re not,” said Jason fiercely.
“Get Althea up, and then we’ll find something to do,”
Maggie indifferently proceeded to so, all the while murmuring about how they were going to die. Althea regained consciousness slowly, and when she did she was aghast.
“I can’t believe we’re stuck in a crack in the earth and we don’t even know how we got here.” She exclaimed after the situation was explained.
“I suppose we should figure out how to get out now,” said Maggie.
They stood a moment in silence. A slight shower of rain began to fall, drenching them after a few minutes.
“Maybe if Jason stood against the rocks I could stand on his shoulders and see how deep we are,” suggested Maggie.
“I think I’d better do it,” said Althea.
“Because I take gym class,” she added quickly. Maggie was a bit plump.

Scio, diligo, servo Deum.

Lucia | Thu, 01/03/2008

Scio, diligo, servo Deum.

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