Old Things Die (But Not Us) -- Chapter four and a half: Entry 14

Fiction By Madalyn Clare // 11/30/2018

Dear Levi-
Are you okay? I know you ask this of me almost every time we see each other. I guess I should ask you every now and again. I’m not the only one in the world with a hard life, and there are times that you’re not the strong one. I’ve depended on you for so long I never thought that, maybe, you can depend on me.
You looked hurt today. I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what’s going on in your head but I can imagine it being a pretty stupid place to be right now. If ever you need to talk to me, please just say it. I don’t want you to think you’re incapable of it. If there’s anything I did to make you angry, I’m so sorry. I want to know what I did so I can fix it.
And I’m also sorry about my reaction to you having a girlfriend. I look back now and I want to slap myself for it. You don’t need me to hate you for it. I really can’t wait to meet her, and I’m really happy for you. I should’ve assumed you’d tell me.
I lied about the camp being all right. I didn’t tell you about everything that happened. In all honesty, I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t feel like you were listening. And also, because you didn’t give me a detailed description of the YEP. I missed it. I really did, and I was being a jerk because I knew you weren’t telling me the entire thing.
It’s so hard to tell you the truth face to face. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I keep all this to myself because it’s better to be honest with you. One day, I’ll tell you the whole truth to your face without being afraid.
I missed you a lot while I was gone. Most of the time I was just thinking about what you were up to and how I could run away. I wanted to hang out with you in Easton, after your classes. I wanted to go on hikes with your dad, and take pictures of the trees changing color. I didn’t want to be Alan’s cabin mate, and I for sure didn’t want to be his partner for the whole trip. All I was thinking about was the friends you were probably making and all the smart stuff you could talk about together. I was thinking about how you might have been asked to teach a class or something, or tutor. Thinking about everything made me scared. I didn’t want to lose you. I’ve never felt this way because there’s never been a time when I needed to be around anyone without you.
Please don’t ever leave. I don’t know what I’d do if the rest of the world, if the rest of my life, was like this camping trip.

Your friend,
Josh

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