Immersing in Imagination: Chapter Five

Fiction By Maddi // 12/5/2012

Hey peoples!

I am very encouraged with all the comments! And I would love any criticisms/feedback. I tried to write the dialogue as realistically as I could. I will run to the suggestions/hard critique with open arms.

P.S. And when you get to the dramatic bits (or what I'm calling dramatic) it’s better if you listen to some dramatic music. 

****

Elise lay restless on her bed. She couldn't shake the feeling that it was all a dream. Nor could she stop thinking about it, turning and twisting it around in her mind, trying to understand it.

It was 10:30 pm. She flipped open her mobile phone. Flicking through the contacts list, she stopped at Blake’s.

“Blake, it's Elise.”

“Oh hey. What are you up to?”

“Umm…nothing much. I wanted to ring to see if you were free tomorrow for us to catch up.”

Blake was silent for a minute. “S-sure. What about the park?”

“Sounds good.”

Another silence. “Look, you’re not acting yourself. Are you okay?”

“I just need to talk with you.”

Blake’s voice ringed with concern. “Elise, honey, is everything all right?"

“Blake…” She hesitated. “I just need to talk.”

**

Elise rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Getting out of bed, she tiptoed to the kitchen to make breakfast. After a bowl of cereal, she tiptoed back up the stairs to get dressed. Slipping on an orange tank top with some denim shorts, brushing on some makeup, she peeked into her dad’s room. Fast asleep. Scribbling on a scrap of paper, she stuck it to his door. GONE TO THE PARK WITH BLAKE. LOVE YOU, ELISE.

She heard a car pull up outside on the drive. A couple of minutes later, she was sitting in the car with Blake. He threw her a sideway glance while reversing.

“You look beautiful today.” He remarked.

Elise allowed herself a smile. “Thanks.”

They went to a park bench and sat down. Blake looked at Elise. She looked away. She sighed.

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” she said. “You won’t believe me.”

He looked straight her in the eye. “Elise, I love you. Tell me.”

Elise took a deep breath. “Okay.”

She poured out the entire story. Blake looked at her as if he didn't want to believe her.

“Umm…Elise, are you sure you weren't dreaming?”

“Pretty positive. I wasn't curled up in the wardrobe for more than half a hour.”

Blake held up his finger. “So…wait a second. Are you saying that you went, came back, and it was still the same time here?”

She nodded. “I think so.”

Blake sighed. “Well…this is weird. What are you planning to do about it?”

“Nothing, at the moment.”

Silence.

Blake spoke first. “I think that you shouldn't do anything about it. If they want you back, then they’ll get you back.”

“But should I go into the wardrobe again? I mean… what if that’s the only way?”

He shrugged. “Wait,” he suggested. “Just wait.”

***

Elise had popped into Woolies on the way back home to get some groceries. She had just finished unloading them onto the bench when Bruce got up. He was holding her hurriedly scribbled note in his hand. He held it up.

“Had a nice time?” He said, yawning.

“Um…yeah.” She had already decided to mention nothing to Bruce about her…escapades. She put on a good face.

“That’s good. You know, we should get him around for dinner one night. You organise it with him, okay?”

“Yeah sure. That’d be great, actually. Did you want to do it at home or what?” She said, putting the last of the tinned tomato in the cupboard.

“Ah…whatever you like.”

“’Kay. I’ll talk to Blake. Do you want a coffee?”

***

“Hey!”

“Wow, you've picked up from this morning.” Blake sounded a little dismal himself.

Laughing. “I know. I had a coffee.”

“Mm.”

“You don’t sound that good. What’s up with you?” Elise’s voice had lost its enthusiasm.

“Dah…nothing. I’m good. What did you ring for?”

“Oh well…dad was thinking of inviting you for dinner.”

“Great. Sounds awesome. At your place?”

“Yep. When are you free?”

“Monday’s good for me.”

“No, I think we’re—oh…oh…”

Blake clutched the phone. “What’s happening?”

“I—don’t know—oh…” Elise bent over double, the fizzy feeling. She gasped into the receiver: “I—I think I'm getting…transported.”

“Elise, talk to me: Are you in pain? Who’s there?”

The dull thud of the phone hitting the floor sounded in Blake’s ears. He slammed the phone down. Grabbing a jacket, he rushed out to the garage to the car. For all I know, she could have been kidnapped. he thought as he pulled out of the driveway.

Comments

:)

Exciting chapter!

“Blake, its Elise.” The its is incorrect. A good way to check to make sure whether to use its or it's is to break it down. Is the sentence, "Blake, it IS Elise." or "Blake, it Elise." Obviously, the first example is the correct one. So, you use IT'S. Don't worry, I had a hard time with this rule for a long time.

Also, I wouldn't say that this chapter's dialogue was realistic enough. I mean, if something was happening to me when I was talking on the phone, even if I got previously transported, I don't think that I would have told someone that I was being transported. I would have been way too scared to even think. And much less, figure out I was being transported. That was not realistic, too me.

But, I wouldn't have mentioned how realistic this chapter was if you didn't ask. But since you did, I looked really carefully. I think you tried too hard. I mean, it's not like it WASN'T realistic but I wouldn't have said, "Wow, this is so realistic." I know that it's a really hard thing to master but keep trying and listening to how people talk and respond. But it wasn't bad, anyway.

This has got to be the best chapter in all of the previous. I like the action!

Lucy Anne | Wed, 12/12/2012

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

:) :)

Ah, thankyou for that. I like that break down. I will remember to use it.:)

That's what I was worried about. Thankyou. I knew that the conversation wasn't realistic; but as to which bits to fix I wasn't sure. Thankyou!!

Really? The best? maybe....wait for the next one!!

And thankyou, thankyou for reading this and always commenting. :D

(And being my private grammar editor...) :D

Maddi | Wed, 12/12/2012

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

Nice dialogue...

Yeah, better dialogue than I can do. Nice. :)
I would argue the point Lucy made of when Elise gets transported, that she should've been to scared to tell Blake. If it's happened before, and she recognizes the feeling, she should be able to gasp it out. But it works either way really. IMO

Jordan | Tue, 12/18/2012

When you knock on your friend's door, turn around...

Awww, thanks. Yes, I realize

Awww, thanks.

Yes, I realize it now. I think I will change it when I edit the whole thing, but definitely not before Christmas...

Maddi | Tue, 12/18/2012

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

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