A Lovely Life

A Poem By Maddi // 4/22/2015

To see things simply
To stop and smell the roses
To stand and taste the rain
To do these things daily
It’s such a lovely life, I can’t deny.

Daisy chains and floral crowns
Bluebirds chirping and maggies squawking
We’ve only got a small time here
And we often rush through it,
This wonderful,
Lovely,
Life.

Enjoy the scent of tea and coffee
Don’t forget to smile at strangers
Hold as many babies as you can
Remember this, my friend,
You can never have enough of life,
So grab it while you can.
Because it’s a lovely life, I can’t deny.

Comments

:)

I really like this. :)
A thought or two on the rhythm:

Daisy chains and floral crowns
Bluebirds chirping and maggies squawking (take out the "and?")
We’ve only got a small time here (maybe "we only have?")
And we often rush through it, (I'd put often before we)

Enjoy the scent of tea and coffee
Don’t forget to smile at strangers
Hold as many babies as you can (these three lines feel wordy, but I'm not sure how to be more concise without losing meaning)

Remember this, my friend,
You can never have enough of life,
So grab it while you can. (the can --- can bothers me a bit, but maybe it's just me).

Hope something in that helps - I love your choices of examples, the first stanza, and the first line and a half of the second stanza particularly.
And speaking of babies, mine has army crawled over and is trying to eat the computer so I'd better go.

Kyleigh | Wed, 04/22/2015

Ditto to everything Kyleigh

Ditto to everything Kyleigh said. :)
Loved the message.

Damaris Ann | Wed, 04/22/2015

I am an overcomer through Christ alone, for the glory of God alone.

Great Subject!

Maddi,

First off, don’t get scared by this long comment!

This poem was beautiful in its message! We do indeed have a lovely, wonderful life to enjoy!

As for the rhythm, I might be able to shed some light on that and why it feels off. Kyleigh did point out the areas that are the problem, which are the holding babies line, and the poem after the second stanza. There are two reasons it reads and feels “off”. One has to do with the amount of syllables you have in each line. During the first two stanzas, you have shorter lines with fewer syllables. Once you reach the third stanza, you are using more syllables in every line. That makes it feel almost like the third stanza belongs in a separate poem, because the syllable count is very different from the previous two stanzas.

The babies line is a problem not because of syllable count, but because of syllable stressing. In the previous two lines, you have stress mostly on every other syllable (this creates rhythm). You read it like this: “ENjoy the SCENT of TEA and COFFee” and “DON’T forGET to SMILE at STRANgers”. The same rhythm happens even if you choose to stress the syllables I didn’t, and unstress the ones I did. When you reach the babies line, you see that it is harder to read in this style. It tends to naturally read like “HOLD as many BABies as YOU can”. The rhythm is different. Perhaps you could reword the line to something like “Hold babies every chance you get”. Like your Enjoy line, you can probably get away with two non-stressed syllables or two stressed ones together in this case, just not have that throughout the entire line.

I also would suggest that since the three lines in the first part of the third stanza are somewhat different in style from the last four lines, I would split them into two separate stanzas. That way, your whole poem takes on a completely different artistic twist by having each stanza in a different style. It will appear and read like you meant to write it that way rather than trying to make all of the stanzas fit together into the same style.

I also agree with Kyleigh about taking out the “and” in the bluebirds and maggies line because again it is breaking the flow of stressed syllables. This is not a problem if your other lines do this too, but they don’t. Your previous line, although it has an “and” and is in the same style as the second line, the syllable stressing is different. You can see the flow difference if you read it like this “DAIsy CHAINS and FLORal CROWNS” and “BLUEbirds CHIRPing, MAGgies SQUAKing”. Add the second “and” in there while reading the daisy and bluebirds lines and I think you’ll be able to hear the difference. A comma would work great there instead of an “and”.

I hope that doesn’t sound like a harsh critique in any way because I absolutely love the poem! I just know I had these issues a lot in my poetry when I was learning to write it. I was hoping to pass some of that knowledge on to help someone else :) It can be rather difficult sometimes (and frustrating too!) when you can’t put your finger on what is wrong with your poetry and make it sound the way you want it to. This syllable lesson I didn’t learn until later, and now I wonder how I ever wrote anything without knowing and fully understanding it!

Please keep writing those poems! I honestly loved it!

Wings of Eternity

Wings of Eternity | Fri, 04/24/2015

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

This is a lovely, nice

This is a lovely, nice reminder Maddi. :) I agree with pretty much everything Kyleigh and Wings of Eternity said, rhythm-wise. This sounds really juvenile of me to suggest, but maybe even adding a couple more instances of rhyme would help tie it together?

I was so happy to see your work on the homepage!

Madeline | Fri, 04/24/2015

everything was better when/you would call and I'd be like/yeah babe, no way

:)

Wings of Eternity, thanks so much for writing that! It helped me so much! I've never been able to put my finger on why things feel off sometimes!

Kyleigh | Fri, 04/24/2015

:)

Homey, you were right--having work on the front page gets more critique!!

Thankyou, Kyleigh! It was lovely getting a comment from you, especially the suggestions!
Thanks for reading, Damari!
Wings of Eternity, THANKYOU SO MUCH. That was so insightful, and not just me but everyone who reads it will gain from your comment! (An excuse to leave the poem just as it is...hehe...) But thanks again. I am copying your comment on my phone for future reference!
Homey, thanks! Maybe?? I'm not sure, will have to see if I ever rewrite this!
Me too!!

Maddi | Fri, 04/24/2015

Goodbye? Oh no, please. Can’t we just go back to page one and start all over again?” – Winnie The Pooh

You're Welcome!

Wow thanks Kyleigh and Maddi :) I am so thrilled that my critique helped you both! I was rather afraid I was going a little too overboard, but when I read you were copying my comment to your phone to save Maddi, I was thinking "Oh my gosh!" It is wonderful to know that my own poetry struggles and subsequent syllable lessons helped someone else out too! Write on and God Bless both of you!

Wings of Eternity | Sat, 04/25/2015

"Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

I never commented, but I did

I never commented, but I did read! But this is so cheerful, and summer-y. I really like it. I thought it was refreshing reminder to enjoy life, and thank God for everything!

Lucy Anne | Thu, 07/09/2015

"It is not the length of life, but the depth of life." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Navigation

User login

Please read this before creating a new account.