The Losers of Lorien

Fiction By Marlene E. Schuler // 4/16/2011

Okay, okay, I'll admit this is a little juvenile, but years ago (when I was the sprity age of thirteen or fourteen), I really annoyed people by sending out these spoofs I had written about everyone's favorite films.

Don't judge a person by just one story... ; )
Hope you get a laugh or two out of it!


The Losers of Lorien

Who are these poor unfourtunate losers? These rejects of society? The Fellowship of the Ring!

On the eves of the forest of Lorien, the Fellowship pauses.

Aragorn: Um, does anyone know where we are?
Legolas: I think we're in Lorien, I'm not sure..
Aragorn: Lorien! That's where we are!
Legolas: Hey! That's what I said!
Aragorn: Too bad!
Boromir: I'm hungry... I'm thirsty... I've got a blister...
Gimli: You'll be flying into space after a hit from my axe if you don't quit whining!
Aragorn: He's been whining since Moria! I think he's yellow!
Legolas: (Imitates chicken) Yeah! BAAWK BAWK BAWK BAWWWK!!!
Boromir: (Begins crying) *sob* Noobody loooves me!!!
Frodo: Now, now, Boromir, stop crying... is there anything I can do for you?
Boromir: *sniff* You can... you can give me the ring!
Frodo: I mean besides that...

Haldir and two elves are sitting in a tree.

Haldir: Oh woe, woe is me! I hath been posted here against my will!
Elf 1: (Whispering to Elf 2) Haldir is just whining becauseth he is missing the Lorien's N. F. L... National Fight against Little dwarves...
Haldir: I hateth this job... I hateth this place...
Elf 2: Oh thou Whiny One and Elf friend! Look thou yonder!
They see the Fellowship pass through the river they are guarding.
Haldir: Oh itith just a fat dwarf who is forbidden to entereth our country and his companions... waiteth! Geteth them!

After a short and unrefined fluster to get down from the platform on the tree, Haldir and his buddies stop the Fellowship with their bows drawn.

Haldir: You shalt stopeth where thou art!
Boromir: What the heck did he just say?
Aragorn: Whhhoooaaaahhh.... I haven't heard THAT language in at least forty years... He said to quit whining, Boromir!
Haldir: No, I didst not sayeth that! Why isith that dwarf here?

  Aragorn decides to tell Haldir of their quest in a very consise way:

Aragorn: We'regoingtodestroytheringofpowersogoodbye.
Haldir: Whateth dideth he justeth sayeth?
Boromir: That's what I'd like to know about you.
Haldir: Thou must cometh with us.
Elf 1: Whateth about the fat dwarf?
Gimli: Hey! I resent that!
Legolas: If you think he's fat, you ought to see his father!
Gimli: Yeah, well, I wonder how much bulk YOUR daddie has!
Aragorn: Now, now, my plump ones... I mean, my fellow hobbit-guards, settle down!
Haldir: I thinketh we ought to dump the dwarf in a ditcheth and leaveth him.
Legolas: That would be nice...

 As the Fellowship goes forward to Lorien following Haldir, Boromir shares his emotions with the rest of the Fellowship.

Boromir: Stuck with a bunch of weirdys... in a strange country... with even MORE weirdys that don't even speak English right... I wish I was back at home where at least the men don't look like walking, talking leaves...
Everyone: BOROMIR!!!! STOP IT!!!
Boromir: Okay, okay! Shheesshh.. everyone's so mean to me!
Aragorn: Shut your yappa!

Pippin: Say, Merry! Doesn't this place look like Moria?
Merry: Yeah, it does, except there's not three feet of dust, no dwarves with arrows in them laying around, and no cave trolls that want to kill you, but apart from that, yeah, it kinda does look like Moria.

  Frodo is walking at the rear of the company, and minding his own business. All of a sudden he hears a voice in his head.

Voice: Frodo... Frodo Baggins...
Frodo: (In his head) Wha... who's calling?
Voice: Frodo... this is the Wood Lady, Galadriel.
Frodo: ......right....
Galadriel: I wanted to tell you that you are bringing a great evil into our country...
Frodo: What, the dwarf?
Galadriel: Well, him too, but the One Ring of power as well. Er... One who has seen dies!!
Frodo: Hello, hello? Good, she's gone..... what a freak.

  The Fellowship arrives at the elven city of Lothorien.

Haldir: Welcome to the greatest city in the region in Lorien!
Aragorn: And the only...
Boromir: That's the FIRST thing he's said that I was able to understand!!!
Haldir: Whateth?
Boromir: Here we go again....

  The Fellowship follows Haldir into the thone chamber of Galadriel and Celeborn. The king and queen of Lorien come down a set of stairs, and greet the Fellowship in their own ways.

Galadriel: Where is Gandalf the Grey? Did he not accompany you on this hopeless journey?
Aragorn: Yup. Sure did. He fell at Moria with a balrog, which, no insult intended, looked rather like you...
Galadriel: Ahh. I see.
Celeborn: It is good to be king... *hic*
Galadriel: Dear! Have you been drinking to much miruvor again? Greet our guests in a more proper manner!
Celeborn: Oh, sorry! Did you want some?
Celeborn: (In a generic computer voice) Welcome to Lorien. I am an agent from Onstar. How may I assist you?
Galadriel: THAT does it! Go to bed! NOW!
Celeborn: Aww...

  The Fellowship spends the night at Lorien, and whilst they are doing so, Galadriel calls for Frodo to meet her at the Mirror of Galadriel. Frodo begins to walk to the mirror, talking to himself as he walks along.

Frodo: Sheesh, this is really creepy. I find this ring. I'm sent on this dare-devil mission. My oldest friend falls at a place I can't remember the name of, with a big, ugly, and fiery demon that had a really bad attitude (Not to mention his breath..) . Some lady who I don't even know starts talking to me in my head.  NOW she asks me to go to this mirror that's named after her. THAT'S pushing it! Now, I was never a vain person...

Frodo reaches the mirror, and finds Galadriel talking to herself.

Galadriel: Oh yes, my precious, yes, we've had a tough time today! Don't worry, my precious, we will have the miruvor soon enough...
Frodo: Excuse me?
Galadriel: Whaaa... Oh, sorry, Frodo, we.. I mean I didn't hear you!
Frodo: Yes, I can see that..
Galadriel: Look into the mirror, but do not touch..
Frodo: Are you some kind of health freak or something?
Galadriel: Look, can you follow an order for once without making a comment?
Frodo: Okay, okay! Gee..

Frodo looks into the mirror. He beholds the following scenes:
Two men are sitting on a bench in Minas Tirith. One is holding a hair gel product.

Man 1: Gee, the inflation on hair gel is awful!
Man 2: Yeah, all thanks to Mr. Sauron. If it weren't for him, hair gel wouldn't be six dollars more then it should be!

The scene fades away. Another scene, with five hobbits sitting around a fire side, appears. All five hobbits are rubbing their cubby bellys.

Hobbit 1: I've lost two pounds thanks to that food tax Sauron levyed!
Hobbit 2: If you think that's bad, I've lost five!
Hobbit 3: It's been two years since I've had a nice, simple, sixteen course meal....

As the scene fades away, Frodo shudders. Another scene shows two orcs beating on an unseen object.

Orc 1: We'll straighten you out!
Orc 2: Yeah! Take this!
The scene view point widens, allowing Frodo to see the that the two orcs were beating on a crooked sign post. Then the mirror goes completely blank.

Frodo: Is.. that it? That was... terrible!
Galadriel: I know what you have seen, for it is in my mind as well. What you have seen is what is to come if you don't bring the ring to Mordor.
Frodo: Is that a threat?
Galadriel: Yes! Yes it is! (Galadriel transforms into the Storm Queen) I don't want to have to pay the hefty price of $16.50 for a sixteen ounce bottle of hair gel, all because some little hobbit didn't want to take the ring into the land of shadows, through thousands of orcs and hardships to destroy.. (she transforms back into her usual self) say, I think I can get your point. No stress, okay, Frodo? No hard feelings?
Frodo: Deal!

The next morning, the Fellowship leaves Lorien, not without recieving a few gifts from the elves.

Please don't throw me off AP... my former did it, not I! 


That is

That is, but does have redeeming qualities.

Julie | Sat, 04/16/2011

Formerly Kestrel

What can I say?

I warned you that it was going to be weird! LOL. Don't worry, I won't post anything like this again. We all have 'mid-teen' crisis moments, where we break out and let people read things from our pasts! ; ) 

Marlene E. Schuler | Sat, 04/16/2011

Visit yon blob of literary adventureness!

I might have been able to

I might have been able to understand that better if I had seen LOtR, but it was still rather humerous.

Arya Animarus | Sun, 04/17/2011

Oh for the times when I felt invincible.

LOL :)

 Don't worry, we won't throw you off of AP. In fact, I did some Narnia movie spoofs... Well, the first two were spoofs of the movies, but VDT was based more off of the book because the movie wasn't out at the time. They're up on my profile still :D

But yes, this was pretty humorous! I need to do one on LotR one day, but it's such a long movie...

Laura Elizabeth | Sun, 04/17/2011

The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --

; )

I know what you mean about LOTR being long. To solve this, I took FOTR in bit-sized sections beginning with the Council and ending after Amon Hen. I did start on TTT, but it really didn't go anywhere. Mostly it was just orcs and lame jokes (ha ha, nothing much different from this one!).  : ) 

If you'd like to read any of the other FOTR, they are as follows: The Council of Elrond Remix, My Moria, and The Dopes of Amon Hen. Just say which one and I'll see about posting it. :D

Marlene E. Schuler | Mon, 04/18/2011

Visit yon blob of literary adventureness!

This reminds me of the humor

This reminds me of the humor section at :) Nice cloak, btw.

Anna | Mon, 04/18/2011

I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right. --The Book Thief


I like the sound of My Moria :) But don't post it if you're too embarressed :D

Laura Elizabeth | Tue, 04/19/2011

The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --