The Courage(?) of Arturnip Pendragarden of the Cornelotian Turnips (and Other Vegetables) Legend 1
Note that I need you to see right away: Do not question my sanity. Do not question. Do not ask me why. I will not be able to give you an answer.
No one knows the origin of the Turnips. No one knows how they came to be. No one knows the extent of their rich, intricate culture.
And no one knows why they're a thing.
Allow me to take you back centuries, to when the Turnips exposed themselves to the outside world. Their oldest monarch was King Arturnip Pendragarden and he fought alongside wise Merlentil the Lentil against the evil Ger-Radish tribes. Coming out the victor, Arturnip stood tall over Herr Kale, wielding Okralibur like a hero.
Now here is our story.
Arturnip was bent over his parchments as if he was trying to read them. Of course, he was a turnip, and so he could not read, and plus, it was not his intention to read the needs of his vegetable-y people.
He was making paper airplanes.
"Ah, hither, thither, and yon you fly, O, pleasurable origami pieces of parchment!" Arturnip sighed contentedly. "How I wish I might fly like you, on wings of blithe, without the cares of the true world!"
The door whirled open and his paper airplanes all fell limply about the floor.
He scowled at the lentil whom disturbed his fun.
"You're no fun, Merlentil!" he whined as he slumped back in his swivel-throne. Stomping a foot on the floor, he spun his royal desk-seat around until his leafy head was dizzy.
The old, shriveled legume stroked his long beard of moldy fuzz. "I'm looking for a vegetable with whom I might share an adventure," he said in his best Gandalf voice.
Arturnip blinked, then laughed as he spun again. "Ahahahaha! You're actually funner than I thought!"
"'Funner' isn't a word."
"BUT I'M KING!"
Merlentil rolled his eyes and sighed. "Will you come with me across the Kingdom of Cornelot?"
Arturnip the Most Magnificent shrugged. "Sure. Why not? Do I need to pack a lunch?"
"I'll bring some Lunchables."
Arturnip chewed his lip with contemplation. After a moment of hesitation, he asked a question that would change his life forever: "Including Uncrustables?"
Merlentil nodded. "Whatever I can conjure with my magic rosemary sprig."
Arturnip the Honorable grinned. "I'll bring Okralibur."
"I'm tired! I'm thirsty! I'm hungry! I need to go to the bathroom! How much longer? Where's the nearest potty stop? I'M HUNGRY!"
Merlentil's eye twitched with complete annoyance. Two hours ago, Arturnip had slowed down, one hour ago, he started complaining, and just fifteen minutes ago, he was ordered by His Most Agreeable Highness to be carried the rest of the way.
They just got out of Cornelot's Most Royal driveway.
"Your - oomph - Most Humble - hrph - Majesty, should you - huggh - might - huff, huff - try out the salad bar?" asked Merlentil, the Most Pitiful Wiseness.
Arturnip whapped his head straight up. "You KNOW cannibalism is against the law! I only eat red meat!"
Now, as you can see, Cornelot was inhabited completely of vegetables, and their diet consisted solely of red meat and fish. If you could just imagine how horrid the sight was to see a Caesar salad on the street, to picture somewhere, a widow weeps for her loving husband, who was torn apart and his heart was chopped up so that you could enjoy yourself a bowl of Romaine, then it would be so moving you would become a carnivore for life.
Arturnip nearly choked Merlentil holding on. "Wait! Wait, hold up, Noble Steed!"
Merlentil the Most Respected Not For His Ideas But Because He Was Old screeched to a halt.
"Look, a melodrama! How droll!"
Merlentil was relieved of His Most Laughably Fat Highness' weight as the king waddled towards the theater, dragging His Most Noble Sword Okralibur behind him. The wizard groaned and wondered why he was following the king if it was his idea to get out and into the Great Outdoors anyway. Nevertheless, he dragged himself into the theater.
It was horrible.
"What a waste of money," grumbled Arturnip, lip poking out with disappointment. "Why did you bring us there?"
Why, what a question, thought Merlentil.
"This is coming out of your paycheck!"
"You don't pay me, Your Most Friendly Dunce-Like Chivalrous-Packed Highness."
"Oh." Arturnip's most royal brow furrowed. "Well, remind me to pay you and take it out of your paycheck then."
"Duly noted, sir."
Mister Belinda Marie Twinkle-toes Cindy Bloomberg of Eggplantia cackled evilly.
He was an eggplant. Case rested.
No one liked eggplants. They were a tough and tasteless people, and so when Belinda was a young eggplant, no one took him seriously when he tried out for the chorus for the Popular Kind of Greek Theater theater. Even though he aced the auditions for high soprano, the judges cast him off because they feared his tough and tasteless facade would ruin their rendition of Swan Lake. This stabbed Belinda through and through, given he even brushed up on his seven years of ballet just to get accepted. So when he couldn't follow his dreams in the chorus, Belinda decided to toughen up and go into accounting. When that didn't work out so well (he hated heights and they stationed him on the 342nd floor of Royal Accounting Inc.), he went into Evil Science School and graduated as the valedictorian with honors. He decided that evil was his passion (with a little song and dance and typewriting here and there, of course) from then on. It was beneficial for him, too; his closest friends were his roommates and cauldron partners from How to Concoct a Life-Altering Potion 101.
Sure, his only true pal was his piece of lint, Flappy.
"Ah, I think we have the king yet, Flappy," Belinda mused, an evil smile across his purple face. He parted from his gargantuan telescope scanning the immense kingdom of Cornelot. He rubbed his palms together and nestled in his velvet throne.
Flappy fluttered from the portable fan disturbing his lint-y-ness.
"And his goon Merlentil both went into the melodrama!" he squealed. "Now, we have to wait just the right time for-"
A little fanfare chime alerted Belinda.
"Thou hast a warm burrito, Master Belinda!" sang the evil microwave.
"Ooh!" Belinda glanced back at the fake get-up of a melodrama theater - where Arturnip and Merlentil were - then shrugged. "Not ready for complete pulverization yet," he mumbled. "But my tummy's ready for a burrito!"
On returning, Belinda noticed Flappy was jumping up and down as if he had come to life.
"What is it I should know?" the evil mastermind desperately inquired. He dashed to the telescope and angled it down to the melodrama, where he saw no king or wannabe wizard.
"NOOOOOOOOO, CHEESE AND FISHSTICKS!!!!" he cursed. Immediately he regretted such a potty mouth.
Flappy settled down on the arm of his master's throne, as if exasperated.
"Yeah, and YOU were the one who didn't WARN me!"